on slips.

last week at group, i was talking with two of the other women after.
one of them had just experienced her first slip since they began recovery (a couple months i think).
the other has not heard of a slip since they began, but is dreading it.
the first had the courage and inspiration to text me when it happened.  she got to vent.  she got to collect herself and put herself in the right position to speak to him when he got home.
she did awesome!

i've been thinking about these two sisters a lot lately.
they both expressed how fearful they are of the next slip.
the second sister said, "well be ready for my texts when he does slip!"
have we all felt this?  this fear of the dreaded slip up? the anxiety of anticipation? do we play out in our heads how horrific it will be and all the pain we will be filled with?

a couple of points:
1. A slip is not the end of the world.  Him stopping recovery would be pretty horrific. Him not making ANY progress would be horrific.  But a slip is NOT a relapse. A slip is not absolute failure.  It will happen and it is part of the process.

2. I thought about WHY are these women fearing it so much? why did i fear it so much?  We are fearful and have anxiety about slips when we deep down know it has the power to destroy and hurt us.
Don't give it that power! Do not let satan have that.  When we can say that we are truly disconnected from it—We will be healthy, happy, and strong despite someone elses actions.  That is when we are truly free.

3. it IS possible to be ALRIGHT even if he has a bad day.  it is possible because for a long time i suffered WITH HIM.  because of recovery, i now know how to be sane and healthy through slips.




I've also been tossing around another thought.  Like many women, i can tell by his moods, words, and actions when he is struggling, when perhaps a slip may occur.  I found myself thinking, "Slip. Do it, see if i care."   This kind of sounds cruel, like im wishing it upon him.  but thats not where im coming from.  Nor do i ever wish that he would slip again in his life haha.  But i feel like im trying to keep myself in reality—that Yes, he might slip. And YES i will be ok.  And i will be able to distance myself from the addiction.
Ive been trying to figure out if it is unhealthy that i say this every now and then (in my head of course..).  Ive been trying to figure out why i think it.
Some times i tell myself, "D. one day your grandma is going to die.  and it is going to hurt really bad. but you will be ok."  this is kind of morbid but i feel like it is me trying to prepare myself and not be caught naive or by surprise.
does this make any sense?



Moral of the story: theres no sense in fearing a slip.  it only makes us less than happy and gives power to satan.
We will all be OK.

well good gravy

my last post was just from earlier in the day.
and already i was forced to test the knowledge i gained.

p. reported a slip.
20 minutes before my presidency meeting.
at my home. that i was conducting and trying to receive inspiration about some great callings in my ward.
it just wasnt an option to throw a fit or be angry or sit in pity.

so i cried really quick in the shower.
i felt disgust knowing that within a couple of hours my man was sitting at a computer and what he was looking at.  it just makes me hurt.  i felt sick. i wasnt hopeless. i wasnt mad or angry.
i was just disgusted about lust and hurt that he looks at other women and intentionally seeks it out.
hacks his own firewalls, and chases after it.
that just makes me sick.
and sad.

BUT i remembered the quote in my last post! i wouldn't be able to receive the revelation that i needed for my sisters if i was upset or angry.  so i prayed a couple times.
and had a wonderful meeting. and i've been totally ok.
i feel disconnected from it.
and maybe a little bit numb from it happening so often.

but he established a new record: 23 days.
back to day one tomorrow, BUT NOT SQUARE ONE.
for that, i am thankful.

one thought and a powerful quote.

"History provides us a vivid example of the importance of the Lord's servants being in tune with the Spirit.  The young Prophet Joseph Smith could not translate when he was angry or upset."
—Dallin H. Oaks

this is pretty profound really.
in my calling, i have been thinking about how to prepare myself spiritually.
and i think in recovery this is oh so important.  to recognize we CAN NOT receive revelation when we are angry.
don't we feel angry so often?
i will continue to fight with all i have, to not be easily angered. to have the Spirit with me!
it is the only way to get through this! to rely on His direction, love, peace, and hope.






while making a trek to st. george this weekend, i looked out the car window and had a thought.
i recently read a quote that said, "it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that."  i thought about how do i act and respond to the things that are bad? to people who treat me wrong? i am great at being GOOD when things are going good, but is it ok for me to do bad when things are going bad?  is that a good enough excuse?  is that excusable to God?   Did Christ not forgive those who cursed and murdered him?
I thought about p.
he does great when things are great.
but when the stress comes, the temptation comes does he still do just as great?

im great in recovery until a bad day, a poor combination of moods and sleep and patience and Spirit—and im not doing so great.

so how do i keep myself in a position where i am proud of myself, my words and deeds EVEN WHEN things aren't going well?
this is my quest.

sex.

Read this on www.joshweed.com, a man with SSA, is lds, and is happily married to a woman (sounds like an amazing human being):

"Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection."

i read more today about the chemical processes that occur with sex and sexual behavior.  a bonding chemical is released, connecting the person with whomever or whatever is stimulating them.
it is just another layer that makes it so very difficult for lust addicts to break this emotional bond they have with their source of pleasure.



and thats hard to hear as the lady that would like to be the only source wanted and needed.

on commands

Do we have commandments and counsel from prophets that we disregard as not applicable to us?

I grew up in a non-lds home.
I grew up on ice tea. It was my water. Man i miss it! But when i was 17 and i sat across from 19 yr old missionaries that asked me to obey the Lord, i did. And i have for 9 years. I do it completely out of faith in the Lord, not because i think anything is wrong with my ice tea. Who knows what blessings are or may come to me for obeying this word of wisdom.

Conversely, we have been counseled not to view rated r movies. I grew up watching rated r movies at a young age. And i turned out just fine! Right??? So i neglected this command. I felt it wasnt applicable to me. Now, i am triggered by bloody commercials! I struggle with movie trailers. I trigger with some pg 13 films. I can feel the Spirit dissipate from me when i watch tv. I NOW recognize what wonderful and inspired counsel the prophets give us. IT IS FOR OUR HAPPINESS.
You dont have to understand the reasons for the commandments. I need to have faith in every word that proceeds from their mouths that i may have the greatest joy. A righteous life is a happy and free life.

"History provides us a vivid example of the importance of the Lord's servants being in tune with the Spirit. The young Prophet Joseph Smith could not translate when he was angry or upset." - Dallin H. Oaks

I find this to be profound.

hi

my name is d.
and i just want a healthy sex life.

"This is where neurochemistry comes in, too. Sexual climax involves incredibly powerful chemical events that can even be analogized to the effect of powerful drugs. Both make the brain perceive incredible pleasure. Because of neuroplasticity (the brain’s tendency to rewire itself so that a stimulus and its response are closely associated with each other), sexual stimulus will be associated with its incredible neurochemical reward. Some of the chemicals that are released during sex are the same as those released after a woman gives birth. And just as these chemicals help a mother to bond with a newborn child, they also help sexual partners to feel bonded to one another.

   But when sexual stimulus comes in the form of masturbation, completely devoid of the sharing and vulnerability and complementarity of marriage, then the brain can become wired so that it is primarily masturbation that produces the reward, and an individual can become increasingly unable to sexually respond to a spouse. Masturbation and intercourse are simply different. One who masturbates frequently has a very direct knowledge of what actions bring pleasure most effectively. It can be difficult or impossible for a spouse to reproduce the pleasure that a masturbator has learned how to produce on his or her own. Thus, sexuality, if not expressed in the context of a loving and devoted relationship, turns inward and becomes a focus on self. It is spiritually dangerous to use 
sexuality for self when God intends for it to be used to help us overcome our love of self."
Read this on Janes awesome blog post today..


i am afraid of a sex life like my first marriage.
i am afraid of not meeting his standard or what he desires of me.
i am afraid that i'll be the one saying i love you and he'll just roll over, objectifying me.
i am afraid of sex addiction being a gap between us in the bedroom instead of sex part of what binds us together.
i am afraid im not enough and i'll feel empty.