p. and me: our story + Dday

[grab a snack and kick your feet up if you're going to read through all of this…]
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.

i was drawn to him.  i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on.  i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way.  it fills me with something good.

i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity.  his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.

somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done.  he was kind.  he as sweet.  and it seemed his affection didn't change at all.  the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past.  what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked.  he said it use to be a problem.  i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.

it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.


despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together.  we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship.  we grew deeply in love.  i took him home to meet my family in April.  he loved them.  it was such a great weekend.  and it seemed, he fit right in.

June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much.  they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple.  it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.

the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often.  that i really was an annoying person.  i was embarrassed.  i felt like i was terribly flawed.

so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc.  i applied them and improved myself.  and no matter what technique i tried.  no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words.   no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.

it. is. exhausting.

about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:

Sept. 28 

Thank you for realizing i do deserve better.  I do.

I am good to you. 

I am patient with you, I try to always improve, work on my weaknesses and communicate the best i can.

i love you. 

i love you a lot. and i show it in as many ways as i can think of.

i serve you, and your happiness is always my greatest desire.

if you want a girl that will be a push over and keep quiet, and let you rule the relationship with fights like these, then go find her.

if you want to argue like this for the rest of your life, then go for it.

if you dont ever intend to really do anything about preparing yourself to go to the temple, go to church regularly, or be the worthy priesthood leader that I need, then i wish you happiness in life.

if you dont want to or feel the need to work on your anger and pride, then i can't stay.

i'm not going to wait for you to wake up.  im not going to lay in bed one night, 4 years down the road, and wish that i had realized you werent ever going to change before we got married..  i cant pretend like its ok with me any more.

i have been waiting for months for something to happen or change with out me having to say anything.  since its your personality to not like to be pushed or confronted, i've kept my mouth closed as much as possible.

i want to be your wife.

i want to be the girl that goes through all of this with you.

i want to be the girl that is worth changing over, to keep ME.

i've thought about how i would let you go if i truly believed that you would be happier with someone else.

i could stomach that. knowing that you were better off with another girl.

but i dont believe that, not even a little bit.

it would be the same thing. the same issues. because it is something that you have to deal with and overcome at some point p.

if its not me, its just some other girl.  and if thats what you really want, then that's fine.

but im not happy like this and i know you aren't either.

i know that we love each other, thats not a question.

i thought in june, when you said you wanted to marry me, that something would change.  that being sealed to me would be motivation enough to soften your heart and get some progress.  

but i just keep waiting.

i don't know what else to do or how to motivate you, i dont know how long im suppose to wait or put up with the fights.

the reality is that youre not happy.

and you havnt been truly happy in years.

i can see it, i can hear it.

the only way this is possible to not be progressing or having joy is if you havent fully repented.

this may feel like an attack to you, but know that i am weeping.

i mean this from the most loving part of my heart.

i want you to taste of the Saviors healing power and love.

i can feel how much God really loves you.  You are so special.

i know that it is not a coincidence that we met that this time in our lives, working randomly at 24 together.

us both having a past, and our own crosses to bear, would be able to look beyond it all and truly love each other.

there arent many people that i think could do that.

i was made to help you, and you to help me.

in the temple they say the word, helpmeet. in regards to the spouse. and this is what i think it means.

to pull through life together.

ive been in a position where i have needed to repent.  i wrote about it on my blog yesterday.

i know i need to right now. im not perfect.

but im trying to be. everyday.

i understand that you can have support from me and your family, but ultimately it has to be something that you want.

something that you want bad enough to push satan aside.

satan has a firm grip on you with your pride.

it may be hard to hear, but deep down i think you know its true.

he is quiet and tricky.  he is bent on your destruction.

you are a great man, and powerful.       you are a son of God.

he wants to help you p.

i know this with every fiber of my being. i can feel it through the Spirit.

you need this.  you need the atonement. and you need Jesus Christ.

i want for you to feel the peace and purity of knowing your sins are forgiven.

that whole and complete feeling standing in the temple knowing you belong there.

i love you so very much and i want you to feel real joy.

i know our relationship can not progress to marriage without this happening.

i dont know how you really feel about all of this.

i know you have been in pain. i can feel that you have felt ashamed and unworthy.

but know that i would love to be your best friend and be with you through it all.

im always willing to work, and endure as long as this is the direction you are willing to work towards.

whether or not you decide to progress and be with me, know that i love you with all my heart.

like never before.  

know that your family wants joy for you and aches for your personal pain.

know that Heavenly Father wants to give you strength and the power to overcome satan and the feelings of unworthiness that he plants.

know that i will always be a friend to you no matter what happens. 

i have been at a loss as to what to do the past couple weeks.  logically, this is not working out, but in my heart, i love you deeply.  and it just kills me thinking about being with anyone else.  all i know is, i can not work toward getting married to you if your spirituality will always be like this, or if our arguments continue this way.  it seems like its easy for you, and is normal to you.  but the fights a tearing me apart.  i feel like i have nothing left. and i am painfully unhappy in those times.  they aren't normal.  and they're not healthy. and we dont have to live that way.  

i dont know where things stand. i guess thats your decision.

but here are ideas on what i did if you aren't sure how to start:

-meet with the bishop every single week

-read 7 habits, with the intent to live it

-pray everyday, rate your prayers- try to be specific

-all 3 hours of church, every week, no excuses

-repent  —  give all of it away, all the pain, all the sin

-study the saviors life

-create a home where you can feel the Spirit 

-surround yourself with people and music and shows that invite the Spirit

-play church music every morning, not just sundays

-show love to family

-sat outside the temple often to ponder, until i could go in

-use positive self talk (you can learn this in 7 habits or the psychology of selling- all successful people do this to learn to master themselves) to help yourself over come the anger/pride.  talk yourself out of bad behavior or saying bad things.  take control

- don't give up when youre down, when satan tries to attack you again,  keep going!

-talk to (your brother):  confide in someone who understands you, loves you, and who you can vent to

-write.  i loved writing in my journal the feelings i was going through. it helped keep me going and reminded me of my testimony (write your testimony each week!  i love doing this)

- forgive yourself

all of which helped me. i feel like a different person than who i was back then.  i love myself and i really love my life.

i am so proud of the progressions i have made and ways that i have improved my communication, overcome sin, and learned to be more loving.

i know that i was a mess.

i was in a dark place for a while.

and i was disobedient.  i did not deserve Heavenly Fathers forgiveness.

but he loves me so very much.

so much that he sent His son to pick me up, to make me whole, and to show me how to be happy and strong.

i am forever grateful for this. 

i am grateful for the personal relationship that I began with my Savior when i knelt in prayer, crying, begging him to show me how to be what he needs me to be.  i begged him to help me to feel guiltless and free and be happy.

and he gave it all to me as i showed him my faith, by living the gospel. 

i know that he lives and he didn't just suffer for me, and for the people you have taught on your mission.

he died for you too.

i love you.

rereading this—fills my heart and tears run down my face.  I know that the Spirit was with me as i wrote it, and i feel the Spirit confirm to my that my testimony is true.

he was humbled by this letter and told me it was all true.  then he went home after i read it. and i felt peace as i waited for his response.

the following day there was a note on my car that said, " d., i ab-solute-ly love you.  you are the most amazing woman i know (second only to my mother).  i'm sorry for the things ive done to make you feel  like youre not enough and that wear on your self worth.  nothing you said last night was incorrect and i appreciate you caring enough to share those things with me.  i want to be the man you deserve to be with."

hope filled me. and we pressed on.
1 or 2 good weeks.
and the same habits were all there.  the terrible communication continued.
somewhere in December, i learned that the pornography "problem" wasnt actually gone.

because of my past experience with s., i learned a little bit more about addiction and pornography over the years.  i knew i needed to respond in a Christ like way.
i never brought up the pain i felt for him lying to me in the beginning.
i didn't lash out at him. but i was a mess.
i considered not spending christmas with him and his family like we had planned. i considered leaving him. i don't remember much about that time.  it was dark and sad.
but he said it was only happening about once a month or so.
not so bad right?

we endured the holidays and put smiles on our faces for the family.  we did enjoy each other and just pushed our pains or fears aside.
while visiting his family, my anxiety began to grow.  why was he taking so long in the bathroom?  was he watching pornography on the basement computer where he slept?  why is he so short and isolated from his family?  when he is playing games on his phone, is he really just viewing images?

i tried to control my head.

New Years Morning.
i kissed him. we had a fun little new years eve together.
as i kissed him anxiety or an impression came to mind.
ask about pornography.  i had so many questions i've wanted to ask and know the truth about but have been afraid of him blowing up angry at me.
but i took a deep breath that day—and asked.
he said it is a problem.  and its multiple times a week.
i cant even describe the pain and lump in my throat.
my stomach dropped.
multiple times a week?
i don't remember saying anything at all.

i felt sick. my eyes burned.
i returned to cooking him breakfast.
i bowed my head and sobbed in his kitchen.  i let the breakfast burn.
i served him what was edible.
i sat there empty next to him, unable to eat.
he was furious and wouldn't look at me or speak to me.
there was no comforting me.
no apology.
no sense of hope.
nothing.

just raw pain.




he had to leave for work.
he left and sent me a text that i cant remember exactly but i think all it said was, " i hate hurting you".
i went to his room and sat at his desk. and wrote him a very long letter.
i said a prayer.
i expressed everything i was feeling.
i expressed love.
i realized i was sitting at the desk where his computer sits. and i felt disgusted.  i wished to break it.
i looked up and saw pictures of myself on the wall behind his.  does he watch pornography with my face on the wall next to it???  really?

while writing the letter (i wish he knew where the letter was so i could post it  here..), i had the distinct impression to text a friend of mine.  i knew her parents served as missionaries in the 12 step program.  i knew nothing about it. but she immediately responded (she is an angel), and said her parents would call me that evening.

my new years day was a mess. i made it to the gym to sweat off some of my pain.
i spoke to the missionaries and they told me to come to the meeting the next night.
i was soo scared to ask p. to come with me.
we went to dinner that night to our favorite spot (were planning on bringing in the new year right!) and i asked.
he said, "d. i will do ANYTHING to get rid of this."
and my heart melted to the floor.
i loved him sooo very much in that moment.
i was filled with so much love and hope.

we went.
and it was amazing.
i felt so much love and hope there and he had a great experience.
leaving the meeting we were both in tears.  he said, "this is exactly the place i need to be and have wanted from bishops for so long."
i smiled for about a month without stopping.

it seemed we finally were changing our lives around.
through the month of january we fought only twice!! i bought him a gift to celebrate!
it was a miracle!!

february and march were learning months.  i have been focused on my recovery and learning about his addiction and addicts' recovery.  ive been leaving him to work it himself.
and he hasnt really been dedicated. he HAS gained better sobriety (longest has been just over 2 weeks), he has learned more about addiction and himself, he recognizes what he needs to do, he HAS opened up to his brothers about his addiction, he HAS agreed to my boundaries.  but so far: not consistent with attending meetings, does not meet with his bishop regularly, does not have a sponsor or a therapist, is not comfortable talking about recovery most days.  there is still a lot of pride and anger cycling through him.

i have a lot of thoughts and confusion right now, as far as what to do next.
this past weekend has been a mess with his last slip. he has been in complete isolation.
i have hope and know that Christ can heal him, but i do not know if i am suppose to be there with him to see whenever that may or may not P.'s choice.
i love this man.
i want his heart to change.
but i cant stay if it is going to risk my own health and happiness.
im seeking Heavenly Father's light to guide me.

and that bring us to today.
heaven help us.