d day no. who knows...

i first thought d day was dooms day.

i quickly found that it stands for disclosure day.

and i quickly found out it stands for both.

the shock has worn off a little by now.

i slept very little.

i knew that what i was going through the past two days with his slip was not a normal slip. or that i was feeling a heavier pain but i did not know what over.

in the middle of the day i had a prompting that there is something else he isn't telling me. 

so i called and just asked.

he said no, theres nothing else.

i thanked him for his honesty and hung up.  i tried to believe him.

i had a clear impression that something with his ex girlfriend was looming. and i had a clear prompting, that i quickly ignored, that he has cheated on me.

i cast those things aside.

and went for a run.

i cried on my run.

several times. and i didn't care if the cars that drove by saw the saddest wreck of a lady. haha.

during that run, the Spirit reminded me of a talk i heard a couple weeks ago… Skip in this video to elder bednars talk.  his talk relates COMPLETELY to sexual/lust addiction recovery and the healing of the spouses and family members.

thank you for all of those that have commented and supported me. it is so comforting to know there is someone out there that has experienced this and is hearing me and loves me.
i feel pretty empty right now.
i feel like i could reread my past posts and hear my own preaching advice. and i know i should follow it but i don't want to force myself to.
i want to just feel whatever it is that im feeling.   hoping it will pass.
i have sooo many things i am suppose to get done today but i havent done much but an eye appointment (with swollen eyes) and drove a sister to work after her car was totaled.
the rest has been in bed.
crying.
trying to read the scriptures and recovery blogs.
praying.
im suppose to post my car for sale. im suppose to do a billion things for my calling. im suppose to fold my laundry. im suppose to go running right now.
but instead i sit here feeling hallow.
and like my head is a balloon.
and i guess this is unhealthy. but im in pain. and im miserable.
and i just want the day to be over and skip to a better day.




last night i had the serious thought:   this wears on me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.  will i die younger because of this stress and heartache?

i mean that 100% serious.

Today sucks.

Reality. 

He cant go a month without feeding his addiction. 

How are we suppose to get sealed in the temple? How could i ever set a wedding date knowing he would be messing up the weeks up to it? How do i marry someone that will bring filth into our home? Who will offend the Spirit instead of invite it?

I grew up without the priesthood in my home.  I wont do it again. 

Does he think about any of this?

my shoes.

I wish for a second he would just have compassion for me. For what it might be like to be in my shoes. To deal with a slip without an apology or concern outside himself.

What if i came to him every week or so and said, 'i cheated on you again, sorry i cant help it..yeah, ill keep working on it.. But no im not going to read any of those books or go to more meetings or even call my sponsor. Im good on that. You can have fun with that.' And expected him to stay? To be ok with that? To still be sane and have any confidence at all? To have a trusting relationship?
I get theres differences between sex with someone else and sex with himself and that girl on the computer. But by how much? Maybe my example is extreme or harsh. But thats exactly how it feels.
It feels like hes cheating on me every other week.
And i just dont know if i have the strength.

My head is pounding from crying so much. Heavenly father heard my prayers this afternoon. As soon as i got to work, a dear friend of mine asked the dreaded, ' are you ok?' after he saw my bloodshot eyes. And i lost it. I cried the uncontrollable shaking sob cry in this hug. He talked with me and let me wail. And told me a lot of inspired things. And i felt so much better and made it through. What a great and inspired friend.

My head feels like its going to explode. Im going to close my eyes. If youre reading this, i hope youre doing far better than i.

drained.

had an amazing wonderful sabbath, bore testimony, was served and served. had wonderful leadership meetings. felt my testimony that this is indeed the Lord's church. 

came home smiling talking to my mom and grammie.

then, bout 5 minutes ago, i get a text reporting another slip

and today.

i just. cant. take. it.

i can't be superwoman today. 

i've been working my butt off with 3 jobs and my calling and making visits to the sisters. i've been trying to also keep up on my own life—prayers, scripture study, temple attendance, training for my half marathon, eating, sleeping, cleaning up my room, laundry, running errands, and trying to devote time to RECOVERY! and short dates with P.  

i just can't do it all today but i also don't have much of a choice.

p.

im so tired of slips.

im so tired of fighting the pain. trying to just be happy and normal and put on a smile.

most days i don't have to fake it. but this evening at work, im going to have to. i hate it.

i absolutely HATE that he has masturbated to videos/images of i dont even know what.

i am so hurt.

my heart is just broken. 

he did his dailies, he sat outside the temple. he had a great therapy session the day before.  

this is so hard.

we went on a date last night and the entire time, he was irritable with every other thing. i kept pretending not to hear the irritability and kept things light and happy. when i did ask what he was feeling, i tried to reassure him and help him to feel loved and work out of the mood—but i didn't help.

i knew that he may act out. he left my house pissed that night that because he bumped a key on my computer while we were watching a show, but he didn't think he did.

that was it.  just an example of what this is like.

today. im drained.

and in pain.

and wish that he and i were healthy enough on our own to comfort each other, but were not.

i feel like he is not only abusing himself but he is abusing me and this relationship.  he IS definitely working recovery and trying. he has made some big changes lately. 

but satan is still in full force.  still apart of our life.

what a wave this still is. 

well i have to be at work in 5 minutes to serve families food on this happy mothers day.    

And thus it is

When i was investigating the church, i was 17 and going through a really hard time. Perhaps one day ill write about that experience more detailed. In short, i had a normal, healthy older brother of 24 yrs get strep throat severely enough that he stopped breathing and suffered massive brain damage. He has been in a vegetated state for 9 years.
During those beginning months of learning of the gospel and addressing my grief and pain, i came across this scripture... It became my rock. My hope. It fueled my faith and kept me going.
I believe it can do so for aiding in my recovery now as well.

6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 9)

I love my God. I do love him so much.

i also would like to note:
my recent post titled: sex.
has more "reads" than any other post.


i find this terribly interesting and i wonder the real reason why.