after all

I often ponder what the Lord means by becoming childlike. I think it is interesting doctrine.

'A child comes for help, not to prove his self reliance.'

that i would not forget

'Our task is to school our appetites, not suppress them, to make them work in concert with a will that disciplines the spirit as much as the flesh. For desire has both spiritual and bodily expression, and our life is a journey to purify both. Along the way, we discipline and honor the body, even as we aspire to perfect the soul, finding in the end that the body and spirit, fitly framed together, do indeed provide the deepest joy.' The God Who Weeps

ever grateful

wow wow wow
best night ever

seriously
such a special special night
i am SO blessed.
i have only a few experiences where i have felt this close to God.

last night i went to my group meeting.  had my boundaries all printed out so pretty.
scared of what p.'s reaction would be, but so ready to stand up for myself and move in a direction.
i really enjoyed group last night, as usual.
i also felt confirmed in the person that i have been wanting as a sponsor.

after the mtg i found p. sitting there waiting for me, talking with the other men.  he was sooo excited to see me.  and stopped me after we got outside to pick me up and kiss me.  he kept telling me how much he missed me and loved me.  i felt like a queen.

we decided we would have our talk, sitting in his truck.
i let him begin.

he hugged me and kissed me sweetly and was incredibly humble.
he apologized several times and explained how he was wrong.  he explained that he understood where i was coming from and what this was like for me.  he went on to share with me the inspiration that he has had the past couple of days.  he said that in the article i sent him (on rowboatsandmarbles titled  something like a letter to the silent wife…)  he realized that he is not really in recovery.  that he has been just trying so hard to just not act out and view pornography.  he said he also realized that "just not looking at pornography" is not recovery if you do not treat the root, lust addiction.  he also talked about getting a sponsor (the person he wanted was a missionary and couldnt be a sponsor, so now he is praying about a different person—this may take a little while..).  i was so happy that he brought both of these facts up on his own 1. i need a sponsor 2. i havent really been working recovery.  this made me sharing my boundaries so much easier.

boundaries.

my vision when i set out to create boundaries:
1. i am doing this to protect myself and respect myself and to create a healthier life for myself
2. these boundaries are not forced upon anyone, but if people in my life (namely p.) do not wish to live within them—consequences do follow, which are spelled out
3. these boundaries are out of love and not anger or punishment
4. these boundaries are what i can handle and what i can not handle
5. this is who i am, and what i deserve and want, and i will have the courage to stand by my own boundaries
6. make sure i had the Spirit with me as I created and pondered the necessary boundaries in my life.  i know and felt that my boundaries are approved by the Lord, and are worthy perimeters
7. these boundaries were not formed to confine anyone, they are to ensure freedom, happiness, and growth

Boundaries:

 I will:

-replace my garments ASAP after workouts

-attend the temple once a week

-work on being healthy physically  (at least 8 hours of sleep every night, at least 5 workouts a week, eat healthy)

The Death of Pious Jack

what an awesome story!
http://rowboatandmarbles.org/death-of-pious-jack-cautiounary-tale-for-mormons-with-porn-problem.html



i would send it to my man, but he would say:  "don't you worry about me!  I'll be fine! I'm doing great honey!  Carry on in your own recovery!"



Heaven help me.
Im going to the temple today and going to fast tomorrow.


How do you sit by the edge and watch your favorite person in the world drown?
this is what i do everyday.
this is why its hard.

it is really hard to have people that do not understand addiction tell me that p. is just an ass and i should leave him.  people that we are close to have told me to leave him.  people have told me that i can do better.

i get that it looks that way. i get that my last post demonstrates that.
but it is a veil of addiction that controls him.
it isnt the real him.


and i know that is hard for people to comprehend that have no experience with addiction.
it makes it really hard for me to confide in anyone and get sound advice.

i prayed last night.
fervently.
i know that God knows p.'s heart better than i do, and I know God knows what is best for both him and  I.  i know that God wants both of us to be happy.

i am ready to do whatever he prompts me to do.

story of my life.

"Our loved ones are use to the way we have responded in the past and expect us to keep responding that way.  They may unconsciously like the fact that we do not have boundaries because it means we will usually give in to what they want.  If we attempt to take a stand, they know what to say to blame us, confuse us, manipulate us, or to get us so emotionally charged up that we will question our position.  They know how to take our words and twist them around to their benefit.  In short, they know how to talk us out of keeping our boundaries…our position may further agitate them or make them angry, but it is important for us to be consistent and firm with our boundaries."   Healing Through Christ