Sunday, August 18, 2013

who am i to be

Sometimes, it is easy to focus on others. What they do to you, what they are and arent doing... What you wish others would do for you or say... How you wish the world would be.. All the things you have ZERO control over..

And you forget about You. 
Just worrying about yourself alone. 
Choosing who you want to be and how youre going to become that. 

My goal is to worry less about others. 
And work more on being the me that i love.

.journal entry some time ago.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

iphone pictures

The truth is, the pain and anxiety doesn't all just disappear once the addict is out of your life.

so women out there thinking divorce will take away all the pain and sorrow, please recognize it is not so. BUT it does become healthier. and it is certainly less pain and anxiety.  but it does not magically all go away.

i was going though my pictures on my iphone the other day.  i found the saddest photos ever.
i have no idea why, but after january sometime, i started documenting pictures of myself when i was hysterical and hurt by p.   it reminded me of how raw and deep that pain was.
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss the great qualities p. possesses.  of course right?
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss our friendship, inside jokes, and activities we loved to do.
but those images of me crying (which i recognize is a totally weird thing for me to take pictures of…) remind me of the reality.

i never have deserved being treated poorly.
no one does.

remember the time i was so excited to make him his easter basket and fill it?  remember the time he got furious with me in the car and left it on my door step?
all the times hes been angry at me for no reason
for the never ending fights over petty things
for the mean things that have been said
for telling me not to cry
for leaving me places
making me feel rejected over and over
for having sex with her
for all the lies

i don't know how i did it for so long.
i was completely the poor lady in the abusive relationship that had blinders on. kept myself in the lions den purposely.
i had so much love and hope and belief in the ability to change.
i thought it could all be worked on and overcome.  i thought it might just be possible to progress from it.

i can honestly say, i have a healthier perspective now.
i thank God for the strength and courage be blessed me with to walk away from that relationship.
there has been nothing but amazing people and experiences since then that have confirmed in my heart and mind that i made the right choice.

i am currently dating a man that treasures me.  he knows how to control himself.
he is slow to anger.
he is calm and respectful.
and he makes me feel like the queen that i am to become.

and i feel sooo very blessed.

Monday, July 15, 2013


"Genuine love always desires the highest good for the objects of its affection."

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock."  Matthew 7:25

Monday, July 8, 2013


im a whole lot more messed up/traumatized than i even thought or wanted to admit.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


watch this 4 minute clip on my friends blog.
Bra Badges: Chilling

my heart just aches.
as i watched the clip i was reminded:
the worth of every soul is great in the eyes of God

the reality of the destruction of lust and pornography needs to be exposed into our society that says its "normal" and OK.  or that a little bit is OK. or just as long as i have control over it, its OK.  or that its healthy.

there is ABSOLUTELY nothing healthy about it.
it is common, but it is not OK.
and thankfully there is a way out of it.
it does not have to be a part of your life or your loved ones life.
Heavenly Father loves you.  He has provided a Savior to help you and give you the chance to heal.  God wants happiness for you, and freedom from chains that bind you down.
please email me to learn more or if you have questions on what to do.

at one ment with God

Christs mission was to "bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;…to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."

the atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was not just him dying on a cross.
it included his sacrifices made in his life and ministry.
it included his will to obey Gods will. to come to this Earth.
it included the pain and suffering he experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.

i don't know how i hadn't learned it or realized it before…but the following scripture taught me something very important.

He "suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent."

Do we realize that we have been spared part of our suffering?  We dont suffer fully for our imperfections and sins and heartache?

Surely this may mean that when we are being judged after this life that we may be spared and not suffer eternal damnation for our wrongs done on Earth.  Yes, through repentance we will be spared our suffering in the next life.  BUT i would venture to say that we are most definitely spared while still on this Earth.  TODAY.
Jesus Christ provides the relief.
He provides us the means to NOT FULLY SUFFER.

and oh how many of us have felt that we are truly suffering deeply.
my heart aches for you.
i wish i could carry other peoples burdens.
my shoulders are strong enough right now.

i do love you.
i love my Savior for making my burdens light.
for relieving my suffering.
and i hope you may KNOW and FEEL of this in your life.