"None of us is perfect. I know of no one who would profess to be so. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions." President Monson
i thought about this with p. and i.
i thought about this with friends that i've lost.
i thought about this with the sisters in my ward.
as i came into this calling (rs pres if you missed that post), it was strongly impressed upon my mind that there was a lot of labeling and stereotyping and negative feelings amongst the sisters toward one another. competition. luckily, i know almost none of them. and because i don't know any of them, i have zero assumptions about each of them.
i sat in group last week and thought about how each of the sisters there have a serious, deep hurt. some big issues that they face every day. and most people on the outside have no idea. each of us have our own imperfections and weaknesses. we shouldn't strive to be like another girl, for she is imperfect in some ways too! we should just try to be our best selves. i thought about how much judging goes on in the world (and in relief society) and how really each of us are just equally imperfect and broken, and in need of our Savior, Jesus Christ. are we not all beggars?
i learned more about this as i have begun Step 4: Personal Inventory. I decided last week how i will organize my inventory (ill share that in another post..well not the inventory! but how i set mine up ;] ). I was planning on picking one of you anonymous readers to be the person i call and read my inventory to. then after group, i felt impressed to tell p. the hardest thing for me to say out loud on my list. it was something i have never before said out loud, told anyone, or let be in my mind for long throughout my life. i wanted it erased. as i told him about it. i realized how very much, I AM NO higher or lower than him, or anyone else on earth. We are all equally imperfect. we both have mistakes and pain. we both need the atonement of Jesus Christ. and we both will be healed and happy through His great atonement and POWER. it was freeing to tell p. my shame and let it go. it was freeing to share with him that i can partially understand him too.
God is amazing how he molds our lives.
one of my greatest goals is to work on this tendency to judge others, myself. i know i have to work on it. to judge less. to just love. to look beyond the pretty face we all put on for the world. to get real. to get to the root. the real being. to help sisters find their Savior and their self worth.
my goal is to love as many people as possible.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
shout out.
p. started his own recovery blog: spiritual survivalist
WHUUUUAAATTT????!!
yeah he's pretty awesome.
go give him some love.
WHUUUUAAATTT????!!
yeah he's pretty awesome.
go give him some love.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
epiphany no. 78
here it is!
recovery began (REALLY began) when i stopped have EXPECTATIONS for him and his recovery.
i couldn't be hurt if i had no expectations for the outcome or actions of him
i have somehow learned (Christ aided me) in being able to disconnect myself.
i am no longer the ball chained to his ankle.
i sometimes catch myself telling myself "He might slip tonight. I have a feeling he might. and if he does, thats ok. I will be ok. And he might hurt for some time, and thats his choice. But he will be ok too. its not the end of the world. You are a strong woman."
and whether he does or doesn't slip—im good.
remember the anxiety i was fighting the past two days?
he didn't slip at all.
He put on his armor. he protect himself. he fought satan.
and won.
i have tears in my eyes.
i love this warrior.
he is fighting for his God, for his Savior, for himself, for his future, for happiness, for righteousness, for a future marriage and family, maybe for me, maybe for our babies, for truth, for his brothers, for his self image.
i'm (very slowly) watching this man MORPH
he is changing.
i can watch part of him turning to God. he didn't hand himself over 100%, jump in head first, full commitment—but he is doing it little by little. his testimony is growing little by little. his confidence is growing little by little.
He had his closing disciplinary council last night.
i had zero expectations (i honestly tried not to think about it, about what i wanted, about how i wished it would go)—i disconnected.
he came over after.
HE LITERALLY looked different.
He carried the Spirit into my home. it was the sweetest feeling.
he proceeded to tell me he has the full blessings of membership restored to him.
!! he was so excited and happy and full of love and inspiration.
he glowed.
he couldn't stop smiling the biggest most genuine smile.
he had an energy and light around him.
The Holy Ghost as his companion.
It made me so very happy.
epiphany: WORKING RECOVERY WORKS.
im trying to not have expectations (outside my boundaries—those aren't changing!) about time frames with his recovery, with what i think he should be doing or not doing..
i'm trusting God will guide that.
and it is AMAZING to SEE God guiding us both.
another epiphany:
PRAY ABOUT IT.
my buddy came up to me last week and said " D, i need some advice…"
my quick reply, "John, pray about it."
i get that this is an annoying answer for someone that doesn't trust in God at that time.
i get that its not a bandaid quick fix.
i get that that doesn't give immediate relief.
BUT IT IS WHAT BRINGS REAL, LASTING relief.
it IS what has the ability to "FIX" to heal, to guide, to inspire
IT IS the BEST thing we could do if we want to live a life of happiness.
recovery began (REALLY began) when i stopped have EXPECTATIONS for him and his recovery.
i couldn't be hurt if i had no expectations for the outcome or actions of him
i have somehow learned (Christ aided me) in being able to disconnect myself.
i am no longer the ball chained to his ankle.
i sometimes catch myself telling myself "He might slip tonight. I have a feeling he might. and if he does, thats ok. I will be ok. And he might hurt for some time, and thats his choice. But he will be ok too. its not the end of the world. You are a strong woman."
and whether he does or doesn't slip—im good.
remember the anxiety i was fighting the past two days?
he didn't slip at all.
He put on his armor. he protect himself. he fought satan.
and won.
i have tears in my eyes.
i love this warrior.
he is fighting for his God, for his Savior, for himself, for his future, for happiness, for righteousness, for a future marriage and family, maybe for me, maybe for our babies, for truth, for his brothers, for his self image.
i'm (very slowly) watching this man MORPH
he is changing.
i can watch part of him turning to God. he didn't hand himself over 100%, jump in head first, full commitment—but he is doing it little by little. his testimony is growing little by little. his confidence is growing little by little.
He had his closing disciplinary council last night.
i had zero expectations (i honestly tried not to think about it, about what i wanted, about how i wished it would go)—i disconnected.
he came over after.
HE LITERALLY looked different.
He carried the Spirit into my home. it was the sweetest feeling.
he proceeded to tell me he has the full blessings of membership restored to him.
!! he was so excited and happy and full of love and inspiration.
he glowed.
he couldn't stop smiling the biggest most genuine smile.
he had an energy and light around him.
The Holy Ghost as his companion.
It made me so very happy.
epiphany: WORKING RECOVERY WORKS.
im trying to not have expectations (outside my boundaries—those aren't changing!) about time frames with his recovery, with what i think he should be doing or not doing..
i'm trusting God will guide that.
and it is AMAZING to SEE God guiding us both.
another epiphany:
PRAY ABOUT IT.
my buddy came up to me last week and said " D, i need some advice…"
my quick reply, "John, pray about it."
i get that this is an annoying answer for someone that doesn't trust in God at that time.
i get that its not a bandaid quick fix.
i get that that doesn't give immediate relief.
BUT IT IS WHAT BRINGS REAL, LASTING relief.
it IS what has the ability to "FIX" to heal, to guide, to inspire
IT IS the BEST thing we could do if we want to live a life of happiness.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
two bits of advice
i got from a fireside on sunday:
1. marry a man that will work.
in every aspect and form of the word.
2. be independently happy and healthy on your own before you commit to a serious relationship
1. marry a man that will work.
in every aspect and form of the word.
2. be independently happy and healthy on your own before you commit to a serious relationship
also, triggers...
i had a sense yesterday that things were a little off.
that "noah and ali" moment carried over through the day.
do you spouses feel it?
the spirit of discernment?
i could sense satan tempting him.
i hate that feeling.
its a helpless feeling cause all i can do is pray for him (and for me) and try to show love and testimony.
(what do you ladies do??? other things that work for you to help him when he's tempted???)
we met up around dinner time.
we had a great time together. just mellow.
watched River Monsters and he made me egg sandwiches (yes multiple).
but it was trigger central. my anxiety from my feeling that he was being tempted.
i couldn't help but have anxiety as he scanned the channels. i watched the name of every show in the guide, fearful that just reading the name would catch him. (never saw any, haha)
when he got up to get something from his room, and didn't come back for a while, i went to check on him. i did. i checked on him. co-dependent behavior.
he was watching a gun video. haha.
when he readjusted his "stuff" i tense up and think, "man just dont touch it!!" ahahaa.
when i plugged my phone into his room, i had thoughts of checking his phone or computer
i had thoughts of throwing away all of the lotion i could find in the room
i had thoughts about him moving into a new ward (he might be moving soon) and worrying of him lusting after new eye candy
most of these are just unconscious thoughts that i am trying to be conscious of and change. i wasn't miserable or anything, handling this anxiety has just become part of life.
im getting better.
and im getting good at not listening to them and changing them quickly with prayer, positivity, and trust.
but it sure is hard.
i hope one day, i will worry less and less.
that "noah and ali" moment carried over through the day.
do you spouses feel it?
the spirit of discernment?
i could sense satan tempting him.
i hate that feeling.
its a helpless feeling cause all i can do is pray for him (and for me) and try to show love and testimony.
(what do you ladies do??? other things that work for you to help him when he's tempted???)
we met up around dinner time.
we had a great time together. just mellow.
watched River Monsters and he made me egg sandwiches (yes multiple).
but it was trigger central. my anxiety from my feeling that he was being tempted.
i couldn't help but have anxiety as he scanned the channels. i watched the name of every show in the guide, fearful that just reading the name would catch him. (never saw any, haha)
when he got up to get something from his room, and didn't come back for a while, i went to check on him. i did. i checked on him. co-dependent behavior.
he was watching a gun video. haha.
when he readjusted his "stuff" i tense up and think, "man just dont touch it!!" ahahaa.
when i plugged my phone into his room, i had thoughts of checking his phone or computer
i had thoughts of throwing away all of the lotion i could find in the room
i had thoughts about him moving into a new ward (he might be moving soon) and worrying of him lusting after new eye candy
most of these are just unconscious thoughts that i am trying to be conscious of and change. i wasn't miserable or anything, handling this anxiety has just become part of life.
im getting better.
and im getting good at not listening to them and changing them quickly with prayer, positivity, and trust.
but it sure is hard.
i hope one day, i will worry less and less.
peeling back the layers.
p. recently told me there was a lengthy bout of sobriety before he started dating me.
i was trying to better understand the timeline, putting pieces together that i didn't know.
he said in the beginning of our relationship he began acting out again, but really just once a month or so—then it built up more and more.
i am wondering WHY.
i know his addiction has been a part of him for a very long time.
i don't blame myself for him ever having the addiction.
but did i somehow make it "flare up"?
i know that he had a very lustful relationship some time before me. i know that he wasn't viewing pornography then, because he was acting out with her. i know that God would have him resolve this and face it head on now that he is in a relationship that could become an eternal one.
so it is not a bad thing that the addiction has surfaced and is now being addressed. its a wonderful thing! it is so very necessary. it is the only way for p. to find true peace and happiness and for him to have a marriage with trust in it. so im not mad that we are fighting this battle. and perhaps, the reasons why he became so much more active in relapses was just naturally necessary.
"gets worse before it gets better" right?
but a tiny part of me wonders, did i do something wrong to make it worse?
i suppose its a deadly question.
i suppose it really doesn't matter now.
and i suppose nothing good would come from me placing that burden on my shoulders.
i guess i just found it very interesting.
i was trying to better understand the timeline, putting pieces together that i didn't know.
he said in the beginning of our relationship he began acting out again, but really just once a month or so—then it built up more and more.
i am wondering WHY.
i know his addiction has been a part of him for a very long time.
i don't blame myself for him ever having the addiction.
but did i somehow make it "flare up"?
i know that he had a very lustful relationship some time before me. i know that he wasn't viewing pornography then, because he was acting out with her. i know that God would have him resolve this and face it head on now that he is in a relationship that could become an eternal one.
so it is not a bad thing that the addiction has surfaced and is now being addressed. its a wonderful thing! it is so very necessary. it is the only way for p. to find true peace and happiness and for him to have a marriage with trust in it. so im not mad that we are fighting this battle. and perhaps, the reasons why he became so much more active in relapses was just naturally necessary.
"gets worse before it gets better" right?
but a tiny part of me wonders, did i do something wrong to make it worse?
i suppose its a deadly question.
i suppose it really doesn't matter now.
and i suppose nothing good would come from me placing that burden on my shoulders.
i guess i just found it very interesting.
trust
"When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust. And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost." —Ann M. Dibb
Monday, April 22, 2013
"You are never far from the sight of your loving Heavenly Father."
oh how i wish i could take on his burden and turmoil.
i wish i could help on the other side of that yoke.
i wish i could transfer the Spirit directly into his heart.
i wish i could have him see the strong, valiant man that i see.
i wish i could carry him through.
i wish i could take the temptations upon myself.
but this is not my burden to bear.
i know i have to sit and watch.
my noah and ali moments.
and he has a Savior that is a whole lot more powerful and perfect than my small human efforts.
update.
he is working really hard lately.
he's doing good.
wednesday night i got a text while sitting in ARP.
i didnt see his car when i walked into the meeting. i prayed he showed up late.
right before my time to share. the text said, "slipped."
all i could say was, i love you, get to the meeting even if its half over.
and my heart just melted to a big exhausted puddle on the floor.
i wasn't mad. i was just sad.
i bore testimony about the things i do know to be true about myself and about recovery and about the atonement.
i left the meeting with lots of hugs and tried to decide what to do.
i wanted to wail hysterically.
i also wanted to tell him all my fears and thoughts and pain.
i also wanted to hold him and take away everything he is feeling.
i also wanted to just let him sit in whatever misery he was in to feel the extent of his consequences.
oh the internal battle.
i found myself driving to his house. i said a prayer. i told myself i wont let myself go inside if i am feeling angry. so i stopped and assessed how i was feeling and if i trusted myself enough to not be hurt or angry toward him. i felt the Spirit. i knew i could do it. i also felt prompted to not say anything at all (lest anger came out). So i went in. he said something defensive. i wanted to cry seeing the brick wall he puts up. i hadn't said a word. he was protecting himself from the wrath or hurt he was expecting from me. it broke my heart.
dear satan,
please leave my man alone.
so i just hugged him.
i held him in my arms.
until he sobbed.
and he shook. and i cried with him.
for a long time.
he was writing in his journal when i walked in and he read to me what he wrote.
he is a good man.
he told me he thinks this was rock bottom.
he told me how much he hates this. and wants to get rid of it.
he made a list of ways for him to combat satan when a temptation arises.
it was such a good evening together.
so we battle on.
i wish i could help on the other side of that yoke.
i wish i could transfer the Spirit directly into his heart.
i wish i could have him see the strong, valiant man that i see.
i wish i could carry him through.
i wish i could take the temptations upon myself.
but this is not my burden to bear.
i know i have to sit and watch.
my noah and ali moments.
and he has a Savior that is a whole lot more powerful and perfect than my small human efforts.
update.
he is working really hard lately.
he's doing good.
wednesday night i got a text while sitting in ARP.
i didnt see his car when i walked into the meeting. i prayed he showed up late.
right before my time to share. the text said, "slipped."
all i could say was, i love you, get to the meeting even if its half over.
and my heart just melted to a big exhausted puddle on the floor.
i wasn't mad. i was just sad.
i bore testimony about the things i do know to be true about myself and about recovery and about the atonement.
i left the meeting with lots of hugs and tried to decide what to do.
i wanted to wail hysterically.
i also wanted to tell him all my fears and thoughts and pain.
i also wanted to hold him and take away everything he is feeling.
i also wanted to just let him sit in whatever misery he was in to feel the extent of his consequences.
oh the internal battle.
i found myself driving to his house. i said a prayer. i told myself i wont let myself go inside if i am feeling angry. so i stopped and assessed how i was feeling and if i trusted myself enough to not be hurt or angry toward him. i felt the Spirit. i knew i could do it. i also felt prompted to not say anything at all (lest anger came out). So i went in. he said something defensive. i wanted to cry seeing the brick wall he puts up. i hadn't said a word. he was protecting himself from the wrath or hurt he was expecting from me. it broke my heart.
dear satan,
please leave my man alone.
so i just hugged him.
i held him in my arms.
until he sobbed.
and he shook. and i cried with him.
for a long time.
he was writing in his journal when i walked in and he read to me what he wrote.
he is a good man.
he told me he thinks this was rock bottom.
he told me how much he hates this. and wants to get rid of it.
he made a list of ways for him to combat satan when a temptation arises.
it was such a good evening together.
so we battle on.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
i just had a weird thought..
am i scared of what life would be like without his addiction? i don't think i mean life in sobriety. i mean a life where it just wasn't existing.
maybe i am fearing being over confident spiritually or becoming naive again (i guess thats not possible)…
im not even sure what im trying to say.
i guess maybe i just have some sort of comfort knowing what the problem is that p. and i face.
its kind of nice to not always be wondering what the problem is.
and if i wasn't with him, i think i may live in fear of it, knowing its really out there-- running around lying to pretty girls like me.
that didn't make sense right?
perhaps i should delete this.
am i scared of what life would be like without his addiction? i don't think i mean life in sobriety. i mean a life where it just wasn't existing.
maybe i am fearing being over confident spiritually or becoming naive again (i guess thats not possible)…
im not even sure what im trying to say.
i guess maybe i just have some sort of comfort knowing what the problem is that p. and i face.
its kind of nice to not always be wondering what the problem is.
and if i wasn't with him, i think i may live in fear of it, knowing its really out there-- running around lying to pretty girls like me.
that didn't make sense right?
perhaps i should delete this.
john 14:27
" Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. "
write it on my forehead. paint it on my walls.
rough day.
remember my last post? how i wanted to save the world and women's self image?
the Lord reads my blog???
received a calling: RS President.
i am humbled and excited and intimidated and suddenly feel way too busy.
-my student just took my body fat and im 5% fatter than a month ago (im hoping for student error). thats never fun. makes me feel like im getting bigger despite my hard work.
-my boss at my photography studio sends me an email complaining about some out of focus photos that my terrible eyes didnt realize i sent in to the editor… makes me feel like they think im a failure. makes me feel like i suck.
-boyfriend randomly, informally proposes last night and i say maybe, because i have not yet received confirmation that that is the Lords will, he gets upset and hurt and leaves… makes me feel confused why he can't comprehend that i am waiting on inspiration from the Lord and hurt that he just walks away and wont talk to me about it.
and i think thats it for my rough day.
i listened to conference talks while i worked out.
they are fantastic.
i love love love pres utchdorfs talk on light.
did it seem conference was all about recovery or what?
=D the Lord works awesome in that way.
life is still good.
im totally ok.
i am trusting the Lord and His plan for me.
remember my last post? how i wanted to save the world and women's self image?
the Lord reads my blog???
received a calling: RS President.
i am humbled and excited and intimidated and suddenly feel way too busy.
-my student just took my body fat and im 5% fatter than a month ago (im hoping for student error). thats never fun. makes me feel like im getting bigger despite my hard work.
-my boss at my photography studio sends me an email complaining about some out of focus photos that my terrible eyes didnt realize i sent in to the editor… makes me feel like they think im a failure. makes me feel like i suck.
-boyfriend randomly, informally proposes last night and i say maybe, because i have not yet received confirmation that that is the Lords will, he gets upset and hurt and leaves… makes me feel confused why he can't comprehend that i am waiting on inspiration from the Lord and hurt that he just walks away and wont talk to me about it.
and i think thats it for my rough day.
i listened to conference talks while i worked out.
they are fantastic.
i love love love pres utchdorfs talk on light.
did it seem conference was all about recovery or what?
=D the Lord works awesome in that way.
life is still good.
im totally ok.
i am trusting the Lord and His plan for me.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
dove evolution
have you seen this video yet??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
my wonderful man sent it to me today and said,
"i want you to know that i think you're beautiful."
probably one of the top 5 sweetest things a human being could ever be told.
it just melts my heart. those are words that hold a lot of power and influence.
i remember when p. and i first started dating, he hadn't ever told me i was beautiful. i didn't really think about it until we had been dating two months or so. then i started getting worried. (i dont know why. i guess i just thought it was part of how he should be expressing love…then i was sad with the thought that maybe i would never hear him say it and wondered if i was ok with that.)
then one day,
he looked me in the eye.
and he told me i was beautiful.
and i cried.
like a happy baby.
it means so much to me.
i still think i'm mostly a beautiful person—not super stunning physically, but i do love myself and all that makes me ME.
but its the BEST to hear your love tell you so.
makes me feel like a million bucks.
i appreciated this so much today.
especially after my run yesterday, i was thinking about my boss.
i don't like her. and i fight negative thoughts all day.
she has a stupid boob job and wears small tanktops and it makes me angry.
i dont know how to not be angry about it.
but i also feel really sorry for her.
she screams for attention from everyone.
and needs that validation.
even so much that she was willing to mutilate and "fake" her body to get that pseudo love or attention.
also on my run i thought about women in general, with the way media would have us made out to be like and look like. the cartoons with giant boobs and toothpick waists. heaven help us!
someone change this.
then i think about the men sitting behind the computer screen drawing the figures… come on!
i wish i could change the world somehow.
i wish i could throw away all of the dirty movies or movies with any nudity or inappropriate scenes. i wish i could talk to all of those women who play those parts, help them realize their worth and their real beauty. i wish i could show all of the people in that industry how many REAL people they are destroying through publishing the raunchy garbage. i wish they could see their way of making money destroys families and the self esteem of thousands and destroys marriages around the world.
surely if they could only grasp the depth of it…
surely it cant be worth the income theyre making…
man, i just want to be real.
even if real isnt cookie cutter.
God gave me a body as a gift! he gave me my body that is completely unique to me, its mine! and it is gorgeous! and it may be imperfect now, but it will be perfect one day. and i am so thankful to God for giving me this body to one day make babies with and feed them. i am thankful for this body that i get to run with and swim in water with and stretch. i love this body that i may travel with and partake of all my senses with. there are so many joys we enjoy because we have our body! i do love mine and i desire to take care of mine, respect it, and LOVE it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
my wonderful man sent it to me today and said,
"i want you to know that i think you're beautiful."
probably one of the top 5 sweetest things a human being could ever be told.
it just melts my heart. those are words that hold a lot of power and influence.
i remember when p. and i first started dating, he hadn't ever told me i was beautiful. i didn't really think about it until we had been dating two months or so. then i started getting worried. (i dont know why. i guess i just thought it was part of how he should be expressing love…then i was sad with the thought that maybe i would never hear him say it and wondered if i was ok with that.)
then one day,
he looked me in the eye.
and he told me i was beautiful.
and i cried.
like a happy baby.
it means so much to me.
i still think i'm mostly a beautiful person—not super stunning physically, but i do love myself and all that makes me ME.
but its the BEST to hear your love tell you so.
makes me feel like a million bucks.
i appreciated this so much today.
especially after my run yesterday, i was thinking about my boss.
i don't like her. and i fight negative thoughts all day.
she has a stupid boob job and wears small tanktops and it makes me angry.
i dont know how to not be angry about it.
but i also feel really sorry for her.
she screams for attention from everyone.
and needs that validation.
even so much that she was willing to mutilate and "fake" her body to get that pseudo love or attention.
also on my run i thought about women in general, with the way media would have us made out to be like and look like. the cartoons with giant boobs and toothpick waists. heaven help us!
someone change this.
then i think about the men sitting behind the computer screen drawing the figures… come on!
i wish i could change the world somehow.
i wish i could throw away all of the dirty movies or movies with any nudity or inappropriate scenes. i wish i could talk to all of those women who play those parts, help them realize their worth and their real beauty. i wish i could show all of the people in that industry how many REAL people they are destroying through publishing the raunchy garbage. i wish they could see their way of making money destroys families and the self esteem of thousands and destroys marriages around the world.
surely if they could only grasp the depth of it…
surely it cant be worth the income theyre making…
man, i just want to be real.
even if real isnt cookie cutter.
God gave me a body as a gift! he gave me my body that is completely unique to me, its mine! and it is gorgeous! and it may be imperfect now, but it will be perfect one day. and i am so thankful to God for giving me this body to one day make babies with and feed them. i am thankful for this body that i get to run with and swim in water with and stretch. i love this body that i may travel with and partake of all my senses with. there are so many joys we enjoy because we have our body! i do love mine and i desire to take care of mine, respect it, and LOVE it.
Monday, April 15, 2013
magic tricks.
sometimes, i feel like noah in the notebook.
remember at the end when ali is in and out of Alzheimer's?
and he reads to her and then magically, they get a couple of minutes together with her memory..
the part i can relate to is that feeling noah has as she slips back into the disease.
she forgets everything.
he begs her to stay with him.
that helplessness. that sadness.
for some reason today i just have a bad feeling.
but im hoping and praying that can be reversed and its not a foreshadow.
do you ever see the cycles where your man is slipping away?
"don't do it, don't do it! stay with me! you're ok! you are strong!"
i want to plead with him.
satans black cape draping over him.
i pray that it isnt so today.
i believe in God.
and i believe HE has the power to heal my sweet p.
and today, no matter what happens i will be ok too.
i love my God and my savior, Jesus Christ.
remember at the end when ali is in and out of Alzheimer's?
and he reads to her and then magically, they get a couple of minutes together with her memory..
the part i can relate to is that feeling noah has as she slips back into the disease.
she forgets everything.
he begs her to stay with him.
that helplessness. that sadness.
for some reason today i just have a bad feeling.
but im hoping and praying that can be reversed and its not a foreshadow.
do you ever see the cycles where your man is slipping away?
"don't do it, don't do it! stay with me! you're ok! you are strong!"
i want to plead with him.
satans black cape draping over him.
i pray that it isnt so today.
i believe in God.
and i believe HE has the power to heal my sweet p.
and today, no matter what happens i will be ok too.
i love my God and my savior, Jesus Christ.
Friday, April 12, 2013
the wilderness
girl: but i do want to go on an adventure!! but we should get some moneys…
boy: WHAT?! adventures are cheap!! we can go camping in the mountains!
girl: (long pause for real consideration...) yes! there is no pornography in the mountains! lets go!
boy: lets go for a long time!
girl: we will need to come down for food..?
boy: we will live off the land!
girl: hunters and gatherers!
boy: we will need hunting permits…. we gotta get our next gun!
girl: we don't need such permits. we are hunters and gatherers!
i would love to escape the anxiety and media and woes of the addiction.
live in the forest for some time.
but hiding from our problems isnt the same as overcoming them right?
so we go on pseudo hunter/gatherer adventures.
and we'll be ok.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
faith
i kissed my man last night and it felt like the first time.
does that ever happen to you?
i loved it and wanted to memorize it.
maybe it was because that kiss held a deeper meaning than usual.
either way, it was the best.
we both smiled from ear to ear.
i felt incredibly peaceful yesterday, didn't cry at all.
before group, p. asked me to go shooting as our last hoorah in case we broke up.
i found this humorous but went along. i kept my distance and used that time to pray again and confirm what i've been feeling.
p. and i realized, written on my boundaries that i printed out, i stated that they were to begin to be implemented the monday after we got back from vacation. that would mean, he has until this upcoming monday to pull his part, as i pull mine. i wrote it, i knew i needed to agree to that. so he has until monday. and the dates dont really matter.
i realized yesterday, my boundaries werent made for me to control him or punish him. they werent made for me to keep track of everything he does when. they werent made for me to force him into recovery. they were made to protect me and provide a healthy environment for me and our relationship. and i know my boundaries do just that.
i realized something huge! my natural tendency is to protect him, to micromanage, to LEAD (its my personality!) and my boundaries protect me from doing that. they protect me from myself! by him doing particularly the 5 things i asked of him (meet with bishop, honest with me, have a sponsor, have a therapist, and go to group) im giving my control over to them. i know, in their hands-through the Lord, p. will be guided correctly, and I DONT HAVE TO WORRY. knowing that he is meeting with all those people every week takes a huge burden off me, and i know he can truly work recovery then.
we had a wonderful talk last night.
i let him talk first. he was sweet as pie of course.
i loved hearing him share what he learned at group and what he learned about himself.
he is such a smart man. and heavenly father really inspires him when he is humble.
i then asked him what he has been doing. he shared that he has already started and done everything he could so far (his bishop hasnt called him back to meet or to make the counseling appt) to fulfill the boundaries. he spoke to a missionary in group about sponsors and who could be one, he got names and is going to pray and ask one of them next wednesday night, he is going to group regularly, he has told the bishop he wants to meet biweekly and needs to have him call to set up his therapy, and he has apologized for his last bout of dishonesty and is committed to being honest now.
i can't really ask for more at this point.
so i asked ok, what is your plan or goals?
he listed his goals for everyday: daily planning, scriptures, doing one action step a day, writing, listening to a conference talk once a day, contact with sponsor
every week: going to the temple and just sitting outside for 30 minutes once a week, counselor, bishop, sponsor, group
by June 21 (first day of summer): have a temple recommend so he can go through with his brother when he comes home from his mission, have enough money saved so he can buy an engagement ring
future: attending the temple weekly, be sealed in the temple (to me!), be a facilitator at ARP meetings
i guess i can't say he isn't trying.
i shared testimony to him about how the Saviors Atonement has been carrying me through and that im OK. i shared that i will walk away from this relationship if Heavenly Father tells me to, and I will walk away if we do not live within my boundaries. He bore testimony of the boundaries, he said they are scripture, my personal revelation and they are true and powerful. and i know its true. he agreed and said he will always support them. he said those boundaries kind of make him feel uncomfortable and restrictive but he knows they are for my and his benefit, and he believes in them and will do them. good man.
by the end of the conversation, i was feeling the Spirit very peacefully.
i told him monday we will reassess where were at and move forward.
i thanked him for not giving up.
i know that i can leave him now if i had to. i know that God will guide me with just enough light to see only my next step. and i will keep walking by faith.
does that ever happen to you?
i loved it and wanted to memorize it.
maybe it was because that kiss held a deeper meaning than usual.
either way, it was the best.
we both smiled from ear to ear.
i felt incredibly peaceful yesterday, didn't cry at all.
before group, p. asked me to go shooting as our last hoorah in case we broke up.
i found this humorous but went along. i kept my distance and used that time to pray again and confirm what i've been feeling.
p. and i realized, written on my boundaries that i printed out, i stated that they were to begin to be implemented the monday after we got back from vacation. that would mean, he has until this upcoming monday to pull his part, as i pull mine. i wrote it, i knew i needed to agree to that. so he has until monday. and the dates dont really matter.
i realized yesterday, my boundaries werent made for me to control him or punish him. they werent made for me to keep track of everything he does when. they werent made for me to force him into recovery. they were made to protect me and provide a healthy environment for me and our relationship. and i know my boundaries do just that.
i realized something huge! my natural tendency is to protect him, to micromanage, to LEAD (its my personality!) and my boundaries protect me from doing that. they protect me from myself! by him doing particularly the 5 things i asked of him (meet with bishop, honest with me, have a sponsor, have a therapist, and go to group) im giving my control over to them. i know, in their hands-through the Lord, p. will be guided correctly, and I DONT HAVE TO WORRY. knowing that he is meeting with all those people every week takes a huge burden off me, and i know he can truly work recovery then.
we had a wonderful talk last night.
i let him talk first. he was sweet as pie of course.
i loved hearing him share what he learned at group and what he learned about himself.
he is such a smart man. and heavenly father really inspires him when he is humble.
i then asked him what he has been doing. he shared that he has already started and done everything he could so far (his bishop hasnt called him back to meet or to make the counseling appt) to fulfill the boundaries. he spoke to a missionary in group about sponsors and who could be one, he got names and is going to pray and ask one of them next wednesday night, he is going to group regularly, he has told the bishop he wants to meet biweekly and needs to have him call to set up his therapy, and he has apologized for his last bout of dishonesty and is committed to being honest now.
i can't really ask for more at this point.
so i asked ok, what is your plan or goals?
he listed his goals for everyday: daily planning, scriptures, doing one action step a day, writing, listening to a conference talk once a day, contact with sponsor
every week: going to the temple and just sitting outside for 30 minutes once a week, counselor, bishop, sponsor, group
by June 21 (first day of summer): have a temple recommend so he can go through with his brother when he comes home from his mission, have enough money saved so he can buy an engagement ring
future: attending the temple weekly, be sealed in the temple (to me!), be a facilitator at ARP meetings
i guess i can't say he isn't trying.
i shared testimony to him about how the Saviors Atonement has been carrying me through and that im OK. i shared that i will walk away from this relationship if Heavenly Father tells me to, and I will walk away if we do not live within my boundaries. He bore testimony of the boundaries, he said they are scripture, my personal revelation and they are true and powerful. and i know its true. he agreed and said he will always support them. he said those boundaries kind of make him feel uncomfortable and restrictive but he knows they are for my and his benefit, and he believes in them and will do them. good man.
by the end of the conversation, i was feeling the Spirit very peacefully.
i told him monday we will reassess where were at and move forward.
i thanked him for not giving up.
i know that i can leave him now if i had to. i know that God will guide me with just enough light to see only my next step. and i will keep walking by faith.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
all things are possible
God has done something very divine to me.
As a teacher, over a student that suffers from severe anxiety, grief, and lack of self worth, i decided today was a writing day. i place three pieces of happy yellow colored paper and said we both are going to fill these pages front and back with words. you can write anything you want to. you just have to write. (i secretly want to be a therapist now.)
(just kidding. i'd go nuts.)
so i wrote and wrote and wrote…and 2 hours went by…
it was one of the best things i could have done while i was fasting.
one of the greatest realizations i wrote about was this:
The past couple of weeks I have really felt a healthy thing happen to me that God has done. He really, truly has been the one to do it. I imagine him taking a splinter out—"this may hurt a little bit, but it will allow you happiness and to heal properly." He has allowed me and made me detach from p. and from his addiction, in a mental and emotional way. A very healthy way. i dont feel numb, or disconnected or lost. i just feel like all the immense sorrow and grief and despair that accompanies p.'s lashing out and the addiction—are all diminished and manageable. like today i read a text from him disclosing another slip from this weekend. didn't even phase me. (honestly its the least of our troubles right now). but i wasn't a basket case, i wasnt out of control. my mind stayed focused, with the Spirit, on the eternal perspective. I didn't even realize it was happening to me, until now. Until it was. I'm so very grateful to God for it. I know I have been working hard at recovery, and I am blessed for it. I'm not affected by p. as much any more.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Maybe
Just maybe
He is choosing the right?
Maybe a tiny bit of softening in his heart?
Maybe knowing i would be gone tomorrow, he gathered his pride and dumped it in the closest garbage can?
Maybe he cried because he knows its true?
Maybe he made the phone calls, got on his feet and took some action?
Maybe he isnt self loathing, but he is filled with the Spirit?
Maybe he'll choose the Savior over everything his body and satan tell him?
Maybe, just maybe he'll choose to keep me.
Please?
He is choosing the right?
Maybe a tiny bit of softening in his heart?
Maybe knowing i would be gone tomorrow, he gathered his pride and dumped it in the closest garbage can?
Maybe he cried because he knows its true?
Maybe he made the phone calls, got on his feet and took some action?
Maybe he isnt self loathing, but he is filled with the Spirit?
Maybe he'll choose the Savior over everything his body and satan tell him?
Maybe, just maybe he'll choose to keep me.
Please?
abba
there are angels in my life.
the girls from group have been calling and texting and checking in with me all day.
my sweet friend and p.'s sister in law, has been up early and late hours listening to me.
my best friend, is patient with me and is always so dependable and loving.
for those of you that have commented here and expressed love and support.
i'm blessed. you are all angels.
i can't help but think that my situation is how Heavenly Father must feel.
he gives us commandments and boundaries to protect us, to ensure safety and happiness.
and then he sends us to this earth, watches us break those commandments, forget him, mistreat him.
and then he has to watch us walk into that pain.
and walk into the darkness.
and i imagine his heartbreaking just as mine does today, when he has to withdraw his Spirit from us for not living within his boundaries of the gospel. i imagine the tears going down his face for that child that he loves so very much. i know of the helplessness he must feel when he watches us use our agency unwisely. He has set us up with every opportunity to be successful! he gives us his Spirit, the scriptures, temples, each other! and prayer.
my boundaries too have been lain.
and my heart just burns with so much love for p.
he is a Son of God and a sweet soul.
and i'm just breaking that i have to withdraw from him.
but i have the courage.
I know God is aware of this.
he is aware of my sadness and heartache. and as i show my faith in him, and call on him, he will guide me and strengthen me. i know and believe this wholly.
"And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt."
the girls from group have been calling and texting and checking in with me all day.
my sweet friend and p.'s sister in law, has been up early and late hours listening to me.
my best friend, is patient with me and is always so dependable and loving.
for those of you that have commented here and expressed love and support.
i'm blessed. you are all angels.
i can't help but think that my situation is how Heavenly Father must feel.
he gives us commandments and boundaries to protect us, to ensure safety and happiness.
and then he sends us to this earth, watches us break those commandments, forget him, mistreat him.
and then he has to watch us walk into that pain.
and walk into the darkness.
and i imagine his heartbreaking just as mine does today, when he has to withdraw his Spirit from us for not living within his boundaries of the gospel. i imagine the tears going down his face for that child that he loves so very much. i know of the helplessness he must feel when he watches us use our agency unwisely. He has set us up with every opportunity to be successful! he gives us his Spirit, the scriptures, temples, each other! and prayer.
my boundaries too have been lain.
and my heart just burns with so much love for p.
he is a Son of God and a sweet soul.
and i'm just breaking that i have to withdraw from him.
but i have the courage.
I know God is aware of this.
he is aware of my sadness and heartache. and as i show my faith in him, and call on him, he will guide me and strengthen me. i know and believe this wholly.
"And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt."
spent an hour crying while i rode the bike at the gym. (i should probably hydrate).
i dont think anyone noticed.
tomorrow will be 2 weeks from when he agreed and committed to my boundaries.
and not much has changed.
we thought everything would change. we were so happy and felt the Spirit like never before.
but surprise, satan is still here. every day.
and the consequences of 2 weeks without fulfilling those boundaries is that im out.
i know God approved and inspired those boundaries. i feel peace that they are true and workable and doable. and i know that i must follow through with my end.
but boy, i dont want to. i dont want to leave him.
and if i knew today would be our last day together id like to sit and hold him and kiss him and tell him i love him.
ive been waiting.
and waiting 13 months for him to find the Savior.
for him to do something.
for him to become temple worthy.
for him to put in the real efforts for recovery.
and now he's down to one day.
we need a miracle.
and all the prayers and help.
tomorrow may open a whole other door of pain.
i dont think anyone noticed.
tomorrow will be 2 weeks from when he agreed and committed to my boundaries.
and not much has changed.
we thought everything would change. we were so happy and felt the Spirit like never before.
but surprise, satan is still here. every day.
and the consequences of 2 weeks without fulfilling those boundaries is that im out.
i know God approved and inspired those boundaries. i feel peace that they are true and workable and doable. and i know that i must follow through with my end.
but boy, i dont want to. i dont want to leave him.
and if i knew today would be our last day together id like to sit and hold him and kiss him and tell him i love him.
ive been waiting.
and waiting 13 months for him to find the Savior.
for him to do something.
for him to become temple worthy.
for him to put in the real efforts for recovery.
and now he's down to one day.
we need a miracle.
and all the prayers and help.
tomorrow may open a whole other door of pain.
nightmares.
i wish this blog was more cheerful like the title implies.
i had nightmares and woke up curled in a ball crying.
we were on vacation and he was cheating on me with my sister.
and they were both smiling and happy.
i wanted to throw up and die.
haha.
then (i watched the office before i fell asleep) we were working together and pornographic sites kept printing off the printer when i asked him to print a work document.
everyone was crowding around me. giving me dirty looks.
i made some excuse for him.
my heart raced and i woke up crying again.
i said 3 prayers and fell back asleep.
i had a nightmare i found pornography on his phone—he has promised he has never used his phone..
when i asked him, he just smiled and shrugged.
my pillow was soaked and i desperately did not want to come to work.
but here i am.
i forced myself to smile at myself in the mirror.
and i prayed.
and i said, "Heavenly Father, let it pass from me."
"i will not go down with you, p. love ya, but i am going to choose the Savior.
i can do it.
i have done hard things.
and i will do something great with today."
i had nightmares and woke up curled in a ball crying.
we were on vacation and he was cheating on me with my sister.
and they were both smiling and happy.
i wanted to throw up and die.
haha.
then (i watched the office before i fell asleep) we were working together and pornographic sites kept printing off the printer when i asked him to print a work document.
everyone was crowding around me. giving me dirty looks.
i made some excuse for him.
my heart raced and i woke up crying again.
i said 3 prayers and fell back asleep.
i had a nightmare i found pornography on his phone—he has promised he has never used his phone..
when i asked him, he just smiled and shrugged.
my pillow was soaked and i desperately did not want to come to work.
but here i am.
i forced myself to smile at myself in the mirror.
and i prayed.
and i said, "Heavenly Father, let it pass from me."
"i will not go down with you, p. love ya, but i am going to choose the Savior.
i can do it.
i have done hard things.
and i will do something great with today."
Monday, April 8, 2013
p. realizes my migraine through instagram (i dropped my lunch cause my hand was numb..)
he texts me all frantically, "baby! are you ok?! what do you need?!"
all i can help to think is,
'so somedays youre eager to take care of me and other days you toss me to the curb? i'll take care of myself.'
but instead i say im fine.
boy that urks me
he texts me all frantically, "baby! are you ok?! what do you need?!"
all i can help to think is,
'so somedays youre eager to take care of me and other days you toss me to the curb? i'll take care of myself.'
but instead i say im fine.
boy that urks me
i feel like how it looks outside.
rainy/gloomy/quiet.
have a migraine for the second time in my life.
i am physically and mentally and emotionally annoyed.
i prayed 4 times within an hour of waking up this morning.
i woke up from an anxiety dream that a man broke into my house and some how i was with my dad, and he fought the intruder off. i have a knife. ready to stab the intruder. it was scary.
i woke up sad about p.
i woke up to texts saying
'im sorry, i love you, have a great day!'
after his 4 days of isolation and unkindness.
he isolated his family that was visiting and really hurt their feelings too.
it was hard.
its hard to see how satan has so much power over him still.
the roller coaster of addiction.
so now he is playing happy, and pretending like nothing happened.
and that annoys me.
i don't know what to say to him.
for some reason i took down some photos of him last night.
it was painful to look at.
yesterday and today i am wondering…
he can't just check out for 4 days if we had children… i don't want to be a single parent…
how would his mood swings effect children? what if he grew impatient and sarcastic and said mean things to them like he does to me?
the innate mama bear inside me says to protect my future offspring and not to run that risk.
im also wondering—i was reminded that God has a very particular and special plan for me. i recognize that i have certain skills and abilities and experiences to serve in his kingdom as a missionary. i am a convert and i am ridiculously passionate about the gospel. i NEED a husband that supports this mission of my life, and also encourages it. i can't imagine being married to someone that doesn't have the natural personality to be an example and share the gospel with everyone. i also cant imagine being married to someone that isnt in the temple regularly. its such a huge part of my life.
i am recognizing that things must change. and i just dont know that they really are…
i worry im not being patient enough or Christ like enough.
then i also worry, i've seen it all—and it may be healthier for me to walk away.
i also wonder, is it better for him to work recovery and do this without me or with me?
i read about clinical depression last night and supplements/medications. it was like reading a biography of p. i'm not sure if he would ever be open to it. but it sounds like it would be a great idea to look into.
i felt a lot of peace and love from heavenly father from conference this weekend.
but i still have questions.
and i assume i will always have some kind of questions.
but although i feel bummed and a bit confused, i am healthy.
i am detached from p. and im not a big mess.
and i'll be ok no matter what happens.
God is always with me.
have a migraine for the second time in my life.
i am physically and mentally and emotionally annoyed.
i prayed 4 times within an hour of waking up this morning.
i woke up from an anxiety dream that a man broke into my house and some how i was with my dad, and he fought the intruder off. i have a knife. ready to stab the intruder. it was scary.
i woke up sad about p.
i woke up to texts saying
'im sorry, i love you, have a great day!'
after his 4 days of isolation and unkindness.
he isolated his family that was visiting and really hurt their feelings too.
it was hard.
its hard to see how satan has so much power over him still.
the roller coaster of addiction.
so now he is playing happy, and pretending like nothing happened.
and that annoys me.
i don't know what to say to him.
for some reason i took down some photos of him last night.
it was painful to look at.
yesterday and today i am wondering…
he can't just check out for 4 days if we had children… i don't want to be a single parent…
how would his mood swings effect children? what if he grew impatient and sarcastic and said mean things to them like he does to me?
the innate mama bear inside me says to protect my future offspring and not to run that risk.
im also wondering—i was reminded that God has a very particular and special plan for me. i recognize that i have certain skills and abilities and experiences to serve in his kingdom as a missionary. i am a convert and i am ridiculously passionate about the gospel. i NEED a husband that supports this mission of my life, and also encourages it. i can't imagine being married to someone that doesn't have the natural personality to be an example and share the gospel with everyone. i also cant imagine being married to someone that isnt in the temple regularly. its such a huge part of my life.
i am recognizing that things must change. and i just dont know that they really are…
i worry im not being patient enough or Christ like enough.
then i also worry, i've seen it all—and it may be healthier for me to walk away.
i also wonder, is it better for him to work recovery and do this without me or with me?
i read about clinical depression last night and supplements/medications. it was like reading a biography of p. i'm not sure if he would ever be open to it. but it sounds like it would be a great idea to look into.
i felt a lot of peace and love from heavenly father from conference this weekend.
but i still have questions.
and i assume i will always have some kind of questions.
but although i feel bummed and a bit confused, i am healthy.
i am detached from p. and im not a big mess.
and i'll be ok no matter what happens.
God is always with me.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
p. and me: our story + Dday
[grab a snack and kick your feet up if you're going to read through all of this…]
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.
i was drawn to him. i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on. i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way. it fills me with something good.
i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity. his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.
somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done. he was kind. he as sweet. and it seemed his affection didn't change at all. the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past. what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked. he said it use to be a problem. i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.
it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.
despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together. we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship. we grew deeply in love. i took him home to meet my family in April. he loved them. it was such a great weekend. and it seemed, he fit right in.
June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much. they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple. it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.
the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often. that i really was an annoying person. i was embarrassed. i felt like i was terribly flawed.
so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc. i applied them and improved myself. and no matter what technique i tried. no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words. no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.
it. is. exhausting.
about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.
i was drawn to him. i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on. i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way. it fills me with something good.
i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity. his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.
somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done. he was kind. he as sweet. and it seemed his affection didn't change at all. the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past. what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked. he said it use to be a problem. i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.
it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.
despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together. we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship. we grew deeply in love. i took him home to meet my family in April. he loved them. it was such a great weekend. and it seemed, he fit right in.
June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much. they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple. it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.
the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often. that i really was an annoying person. i was embarrassed. i felt like i was terribly flawed.
so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc. i applied them and improved myself. and no matter what technique i tried. no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words. no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.
it. is. exhausting.
about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:
Friday, April 5, 2013
I HATE pornography and his lack of self control and his anger.
I hate it.
I dont want pornography in my life.
Tonight im a mess. I finally broke.
I was still kind and tried to keep control at least toward him.
But i just cant fight the anxious thoughts and the betrayal tonight.
Im going to pray and not let myself sit in it.
But i just needed someone to know,
I hate pornography.
I hate it.
I dont want pornography in my life.
Tonight im a mess. I finally broke.
I was still kind and tried to keep control at least toward him.
But i just cant fight the anxious thoughts and the betrayal tonight.
Im going to pray and not let myself sit in it.
But i just needed someone to know,
I hate pornography.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Surprised
P. confessed a slip today.
Im grateful he was honest and told me on his own. Im grateful he went to work and didnt stay in a depressed isolated state.
I am hurt because im slightly disgusted when i know what he has seen.
I am disappointed, less that he slipped and more that he isnt really doing everything he could be for recovery.
Annoyed that he is still in and out of pride daily.
A little bit frustrated and helpless that i cant tell him what he should be doing for recovery.
And happy that i didnt cry or destroy myself over it.
Im bummed but im ok.
He went his longest bout of sobriety yet! Slightly longer than 2 weeks. There is some progress there.
I love the Lord. I love you for reading. And i love myself. Life is going to be ok.
Im grateful he was honest and told me on his own. Im grateful he went to work and didnt stay in a depressed isolated state.
I am hurt because im slightly disgusted when i know what he has seen.
I am disappointed, less that he slipped and more that he isnt really doing everything he could be for recovery.
Annoyed that he is still in and out of pride daily.
A little bit frustrated and helpless that i cant tell him what he should be doing for recovery.
And happy that i didnt cry or destroy myself over it.
Im bummed but im ok.
He went his longest bout of sobriety yet! Slightly longer than 2 weeks. There is some progress there.
I love the Lord. I love you for reading. And i love myself. Life is going to be ok.
anxiety in my dreams makes me feel like i never slept at all
took this "attachment style" quiz online today.
confirmed that i am higher end anxiety and lower end "comfortable opening up to my partner". i knew this. so now what?
i am trying to work recovery and seeking my Savior, to try to lower my stress levels and control my anxiety over p. and his addiction.
just last night, i knew he was still awake and couldn't sleep (insomnia was a huge problem for him when he was at his worst..), and i bolted up more than once during my own sleep worrying if he was being tempted or acting out.
goodness!
my own sleep messed up because of anxiety over him!
i asked him in the morning if anything had happened or if he felt tempted.
he said not at all. he just played a game until he fell asleep.
all my nightmarish anxiety over nothing.
i was thankful to not have freaked out or over exaggerated my anxiety, but the anxious thoughts still come.
im trying to squash them every day.
do the anxious thoughts ever go away???
i bet they can compare to the temptation thoughts that the addicts get. the thoughts may come, but we extinguish them before they become unmanageable.
hmm.
confirmed that i am higher end anxiety and lower end "comfortable opening up to my partner". i knew this. so now what?
i am trying to work recovery and seeking my Savior, to try to lower my stress levels and control my anxiety over p. and his addiction.
just last night, i knew he was still awake and couldn't sleep (insomnia was a huge problem for him when he was at his worst..), and i bolted up more than once during my own sleep worrying if he was being tempted or acting out.
goodness!
my own sleep messed up because of anxiety over him!
i asked him in the morning if anything had happened or if he felt tempted.
he said not at all. he just played a game until he fell asleep.
all my nightmarish anxiety over nothing.
i was thankful to not have freaked out or over exaggerated my anxiety, but the anxious thoughts still come.
im trying to squash them every day.
do the anxious thoughts ever go away???
i bet they can compare to the temptation thoughts that the addicts get. the thoughts may come, but we extinguish them before they become unmanageable.
hmm.
how this blog got its name
when i first learned the truth of p.'s addiction, i dove in head first into recovery material and arp meetings and prayer. at some point in february, i stumbled across this scripture:
"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.
The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."
I understood that i could not bear all things now. but i had no idea how to be of good cheer. i was destroyed and i felt validated in my feelings of pity and pain.
but i had HOPE that i could somehow become cheerful and be happy again.
and that is what prompted me to title my blog so.
*the url for this blog: I stared at the computer for some time when i was deciding on it. i didn't really care what it was, i just wanted/needed to write!
finally i decided to call it " and he wept " for two reasons.
1. the very first time p. and i went to an arp meeting we got into the car and i was nervous that he would be angry and say he never wanted to go back. we drove around a little. i talked about how my meeting went. and then i asked how it was for him.
he wept.
he told me he knew that was exactly where he needed to be and exactly the help he always wanted.
the Spirit overwhelmed me.
and my heart filled with so much love for him in that moment.
2. i often imagine Heavenly Father and Christ, weeping along with me (and along with the sisters in group). they know me and feel for me and love me.
"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.
The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."
I understood that i could not bear all things now. but i had no idea how to be of good cheer. i was destroyed and i felt validated in my feelings of pity and pain.
but i had HOPE that i could somehow become cheerful and be happy again.
and that is what prompted me to title my blog so.
*the url for this blog: I stared at the computer for some time when i was deciding on it. i didn't really care what it was, i just wanted/needed to write!
finally i decided to call it " and he wept " for two reasons.
1. the very first time p. and i went to an arp meeting we got into the car and i was nervous that he would be angry and say he never wanted to go back. we drove around a little. i talked about how my meeting went. and then i asked how it was for him.
he wept.
he told me he knew that was exactly where he needed to be and exactly the help he always wanted.
the Spirit overwhelmed me.
and my heart filled with so much love for him in that moment.
2. i often imagine Heavenly Father and Christ, weeping along with me (and along with the sisters in group). they know me and feel for me and love me.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
amen
checking in.
i feel that i have always been a pretty introspective person. very aware of myself.
but i find myself "checking in", thinking about how i am doing, more often.
several times throughout the day. evaluating my feelings and thoughts.
i think this is a good thing for me.
once, after i had first joined the church, i asked my bishop, "during my investigation of the church, i felt such a 'high', and then there are these lows of spiritual dullness.. how you prevent the roller coaster and just keep it pretty high medium level of spirituality?"
he left me with one of those kinds of answers that really just mean, you need to learn and find this life lesson out on your own.
so YEARS later. i sat in a sacrament meeting, and heard the Spirit say: repent quickly and continuously.
the quicker we repent, and acknowledge bad behavior/bad thoughts and quickly grab back on the iron rod, the less chance we have to fall deeply. it is like never letting yourself go out of grasp of the iron rod. even though satan will do all he can to prevent us from grabbing right back on to that rod, we must—no matter how difficult it is, no matter how menial the sin may seem.
this is why we are commanded to pray daily, to repent in prayer daily.
this is why we NEED the sacrament every week.
i have committed to myself that i will work on this. repenting quickly and as often (even hour by hour) if i must.
i have been doing really really good lately.
i feel a huge change in the past two weeks or so.
i have not been freaking out or crying at all.
i have not let p.'s irritability or anger affect me.
and this is HUGE for me.
i really have had an epiphany. so much so that i couldn't sleep last night, i kept thinking about it—not wanting to forget it.
I can not let my self worth be determined by anything that changes. for a very very long time i have unconsciously been finding my self worth in: the attention or love of the people around me, the boyfriends i have had, how great/terrible my abs look, whether there are pimples on my face or not, the type of shoes i wore to school, whether i was tan or not, whether i had a good haircut or not, how well i played soccer that day, how many things i could check off my to do list, how clean my house was, the fanciness (or lack of) of my car, what people thought of me, what i thought people would/were saying of me, how much i worked out that day, how good/bad my diet was that day, my past mistakes, etc.
i feel that i have always been a pretty introspective person. very aware of myself.
but i find myself "checking in", thinking about how i am doing, more often.
several times throughout the day. evaluating my feelings and thoughts.
i think this is a good thing for me.
once, after i had first joined the church, i asked my bishop, "during my investigation of the church, i felt such a 'high', and then there are these lows of spiritual dullness.. how you prevent the roller coaster and just keep it pretty high medium level of spirituality?"
he left me with one of those kinds of answers that really just mean, you need to learn and find this life lesson out on your own.
so YEARS later. i sat in a sacrament meeting, and heard the Spirit say: repent quickly and continuously.
the quicker we repent, and acknowledge bad behavior/bad thoughts and quickly grab back on the iron rod, the less chance we have to fall deeply. it is like never letting yourself go out of grasp of the iron rod. even though satan will do all he can to prevent us from grabbing right back on to that rod, we must—no matter how difficult it is, no matter how menial the sin may seem.
this is why we are commanded to pray daily, to repent in prayer daily.
this is why we NEED the sacrament every week.
i have committed to myself that i will work on this. repenting quickly and as often (even hour by hour) if i must.
i have been doing really really good lately.
i feel a huge change in the past two weeks or so.
i have not been freaking out or crying at all.
i have not let p.'s irritability or anger affect me.
and this is HUGE for me.
i really have had an epiphany. so much so that i couldn't sleep last night, i kept thinking about it—not wanting to forget it.
I can not let my self worth be determined by anything that changes. for a very very long time i have unconsciously been finding my self worth in: the attention or love of the people around me, the boyfriends i have had, how great/terrible my abs look, whether there are pimples on my face or not, the type of shoes i wore to school, whether i was tan or not, whether i had a good haircut or not, how well i played soccer that day, how many things i could check off my to do list, how clean my house was, the fanciness (or lack of) of my car, what people thought of me, what i thought people would/were saying of me, how much i worked out that day, how good/bad my diet was that day, my past mistakes, etc.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
fantasy land.
"Fantasy is practice, rehearsal for the actual act. Thinking and visualizing aobut performing an activity increases our skill even without ever physically performing the activity. Any fantasy of lust, therefore, is keeping the practice alive and well, in preparation for the final acts. Spark becomes fantasy, fantasy becomes planning, planning becomes actions, until the cycle takes on a life of its own."
read this today.
some times.. a lot of times…i worry that p. is fantasizing about someone else.
this triggers panic for me. pain. worry about him cheating, viewing pornography, never being satisfied with me.
i am recognizing that me worrying about it doesnt do anything
except drive me crazy and make me upset.
i had the courage this weekend to talk to p. about it.
he was the sweetest thing. not defensive at all.
he loved me and reassured me, and it was incredibly comforting.
i am going to try with all my might to not allow that specific worry any more.
i caught myself multiple times a day, asking him what he was thinking. i never really noticed that i do this because i fear idle thinking time with him. i fear he is in fantasy land. so i try to "save him" from it by asking questions to bring him to reality. (as if he would actually tell me 'yeah, i was just thinking about x,y,z.. he usually says nothing.)
co-dependant behavior??
yes.
so what if he is fantasizing? theres nothing i can do to control that any how. he needs to make that choice with his power. and what if he is not?? i am getting all worked up and hurt over nothing.
the reality is: me worrying over him fantasizing doesn't change anything except hurt me, so i need to stop.
i am glad i have become aware of it. so i can change it.
it is very hard and unnatural to do.
but i will do it.
read this today.
some times.. a lot of times…i worry that p. is fantasizing about someone else.
this triggers panic for me. pain. worry about him cheating, viewing pornography, never being satisfied with me.
i am recognizing that me worrying about it doesnt do anything
except drive me crazy and make me upset.
i had the courage this weekend to talk to p. about it.
he was the sweetest thing. not defensive at all.
he loved me and reassured me, and it was incredibly comforting.
i am going to try with all my might to not allow that specific worry any more.
i caught myself multiple times a day, asking him what he was thinking. i never really noticed that i do this because i fear idle thinking time with him. i fear he is in fantasy land. so i try to "save him" from it by asking questions to bring him to reality. (as if he would actually tell me 'yeah, i was just thinking about x,y,z.. he usually says nothing.)
co-dependant behavior??
yes.
so what if he is fantasizing? theres nothing i can do to control that any how. he needs to make that choice with his power. and what if he is not?? i am getting all worked up and hurt over nothing.
the reality is: me worrying over him fantasizing doesn't change anything except hurt me, so i need to stop.
i am glad i have become aware of it. so i can change it.
it is very hard and unnatural to do.
but i will do it.
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