d day no. who knows...

i first thought d day was dooms day.

i quickly found that it stands for disclosure day.

and i quickly found out it stands for both.

the shock has worn off a little by now.

i slept very little.

i knew that what i was going through the past two days with his slip was not a normal slip. or that i was feeling a heavier pain but i did not know what over.

in the middle of the day i had a prompting that there is something else he isn't telling me. 

so i called and just asked.

he said no, theres nothing else.

i thanked him for his honesty and hung up.  i tried to believe him.

i had a clear impression that something with his ex girlfriend was looming. and i had a clear prompting, that i quickly ignored, that he has cheated on me.

i cast those things aside.

and went for a run.

i cried on my run.

several times. and i didn't care if the cars that drove by saw the saddest wreck of a lady. haha.

during that run, the Spirit reminded me of a talk i heard a couple weeks ago… Skip in this video to elder bednars talk.  his talk relates COMPLETELY to sexual/lust addiction recovery and the healing of the spouses and family members.

from this talk, i was reminded to ask myself, do i have FAITH enough to do this, to not shrink, if it IS Gods will that this not be taken from me?  That it may be His will that i suffer for some time.  If it is His will that i not be healed completely right now when i want it, do i have faith enough to endure on Gods own time?

I am accepting of God's will and timing in my life.


Even though i plead for something different often with full faith.
I can honestly say, I will do the Lords will.  Whatever that may be.


p. texted later in the evening that yes there was something else he needed to tell me.
he came to the door in his suit. in the grey vest i bought him. with calla lilies in his arm, nutella, and sparklers (i enjoy them).
he never ever does this.
he sat down with me and told me how much he loved me.
he was humble and sweet.
but my stomach dropped.

this must be bad.
he said he just wanted to read a letter.
i started hyperventilating.

"D.
i've been wrestling with this for a very long time and have felt so many different ways about what happened over a year ago that i didn't know what to do or how it would affect/ruin the possibility with us and our potential future together.  But the more and more i think about telling you, the more and more i justify it in my mind to not tell you because of the pain and hurt i want to protect you from and because i am not the man i was.  i've grown and progressed and improved so much w/your help an support to bring me from someone completely lost to my addiction and life of sin to someone who now has a hope in the future and faith in obedience and strength from hiking along this long path of recovery  and repentance.  there only 3 people who i can thank and praise for the man i've become and on my way to becoming.  Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and you, D.  You've helped teach me not only how to love, and even what love could even be, but als how to live.  And how much more enjoyable and fulfilling life can be living it with someone you love and someone as loving as you are, i love you with all the small and insignificant ability that i haveto love you with.  i do truly love you d. and that's why it pains me so much to tell you this. that as much as i've tried to dismiss and reassure against my own promptings, if the Spirit is talking to you and prompting you to ask me if theres something more, then today's call is as much as sign/answer to prayer that the Lord wants me to tell you.  i've prayed about it for months trying to ask for inspiration.  and i know ive repented of it, and ive been constantly prompted by the Spirit that there was something more that i needed to do in order to fully repent, and to completely give up everything in order to fully hold fast to recovery, even if what i was holding onto could mean losing you.  and it scares me so much and i feel so weak and vulnerable and so frustrated and angry at my former self for allowing it to happen.  but i have to have faith in my Savior and faith in the process and faith in my personal revelation and in yours—that this is whats been holding me back….holding us back…i did mess up with __exgirlfriend__ last year in march or april.  i don't remember when.  just once.  she came on to me and i was blinded by the mists of darkness and temptation and i couldn't see how wrong i was until after it happened.  i felt disgusting, empty, and worthless.   i prayed for hours and hours, told my bishop and forced myself to forget and erase any and all memory because i had repented and confessed.  but i see now, i had prematurely sewn up that wound and that the thing the Spirit has most prompted me to do these last two weeks was to be honest with you and to have more faith in being obedient and acting on spiritual promptings than trying to control the consequences.  there is no way to adequately the deep amount of regret and anguish and how sorry i am for what i did over a year ago.  i am so sorry to have to tell you this d, but i take comfort in the gospel and comfort in knowing that this is what God has wanted me to tell you, and that he inspired you to give me a call and ask, when i've been too afraid and too easily persuaded against being open and honest until now.  I know that this wouldnt have been possible without the enabling power of the atonement and the great progress spiritually that we've both been able to make bringing our lives more in line with the teachings of the gospel.  my feelings for you have changed. everything about me has changed.  every day i continue to fall in love with you over and over again and more and more each time.  i know that the gospel is true.  i know that repentance is real.  i know that this is what has been holding back my recovery and am thankful for you beingso diligent and strong in building your spirituality and being such an amazing example to me and acting on your promptings and helping to give me the strength to act upon mine.  i love you.  i want to marry you.  i know that this will hurt. im so sorry.  i hope you can learn to trust me again and that we can work together to overcome this obstacle and move forward with our lives.  im putting all my faith in God at this point, and praying that His will be done in regards to the future of us.  maybe this can be the first thing we destroy with our personal inventories.  i am telling you this because its what i feel inspired to do and because of my love for you.  please forgive me.
your behbeliones forever and always—p."


along with the letter he gave me a really sweet card with 69 things that he loves about me written in it.  i asked if he could have posssibly come up with absolutely any other number.  lol.  he took the card and wrote ten more things.
its terribly sweet.

needless to say. i didn't really hear all this letter.  i was busy having a severe anxiety attack and hyperventilating.  i don't know if i've ever cried like this before.  i shook for a long time.  i crawled to the other side of the room and buried my face into the corner walls.

i feel horrifically disgusted.  disgusted knowing it was in her car. knowing what she looks like. knowing my sweet mans lips and hands and body were all over some other woman.  disgusted that he kissed me the day before and the day after, that he took me to meet his parents around that time.

i feel anger that for so very very long i thought all of this was something wrong with me or that i wasn't doing something right.  i let myself go crazy trying to fix everything.  when really it was a series of all these addictive/weak/lustful actions that he was living that was destroying him, me and our relationship.

i feel, strangely, relief knowing what it is.  having it out in the open.  i have known for a year now that something is not right—but i never knew what it was.   i did not want to marry him with that feeling. i couldn't.

i feel betrayed and low and stupid and of little worth that he would choose to cheat on me, even if it was in the beginning.

i feel anxiety.

i feel like i don't know what to trust or believe or what to think about the future.

i feel so very sad that he gives the most sacred part of himself to her and other objectified women through pornography and masturbation.  i wish he was virtuous. i wish he was pure. i wish he kept that ability to create life sacred to give to me and our God.

i feel stabbed in the back.

i feel like calling in sick to work.

i feel like i shouldn't broadcast this incredibly personal part of his life and our relationship to others, that i should hide it…but i need help and someone to hear me.

i feel that he's being honest.

i feel that i dont feel bad for him for his stupid choices.

i feel that i don't know how or why i possibly stayed with him through the "old him"

i feel like a naive mormon girl for once in my life.

i feel sick to my stomach.

i feel like i don't know what to do.  yesterday when i received that prompting, i thought "please God, let it be anything except him cheating on me with her."

i feel grateful for his honesty and courage.

i feel surprised and blinded.

i feel like im need to go to the temple tomorrow.

i feel very tired and overwhelmed. numb and like a zombie.

i also feel like my eyes are going to swell shut.


interestingly, i had the impression several times that i forgive her. and i need to tell her. i just checked and she doesn't have a facebook account any more.  but i'll send her a text as soon as my sweet boyfriend hands over her number. which also makes me sick.