fears

i met with my absolutely wonderful and inspired stake presidency counselor.
he is a gift.
he is the kind of man that speaks scriptures fluently.
he teaches me things that i never knew possible.

he and i sifted through my feelings today.
it was so therapeutic.  so healthy. he's so  nonjudgmental.
he was so full of love and kindness to me.  he was so full of praise.

he is just what i imagine being with the Savior would be like.
thats amazing.



i talked to him about some of my fears.
i talked to him as honestly and openly as possible.
he made clear that i do not need to tell anyone including boyfriends/a husband about my past transgressions.  he said what good would that do? it just reopens wounds and discredits the atonement of Jesus Christ.  i wept.  i, for some reason, felt like i was lying or hiding something by not telling every boy about it.
that wound really has been reopened time and time again.
and through recovery, i feel like i can finally close that for good.

he also asked me to take away all my fears and THEN decide how i feel about p.

so here are my honest fears…
I FEAR:
-waking up one day, 5 years down the road, married to him and going through a stint like our campout, and telling myself, "dear girl, you knew this when you were dating. when you could have gotten out. and now you are stuck."
-him loosing himself and being depressed with our break up
-him have sex with other girls after our break up
-every word i say might piss him off
-when he is mad
-how he would treat children
-children seeing a husband treat a wife that way
-children thinking its ok to deal with anger like he does
-that im too old and they're arent any good men left over the age of 25
-that other boys wont be worthy either
-that i wont be able to connect with someone else the way i do with p.
-that im going to be 30 and not married
-that i'll never have kids, have trouble having kids, that ill be that sad single woman that wants to be a mother so bad that she adopts her own
-that other people are pressuring my decision
-that p. is my security blanket
-that im too much of a saver/protector/nurturer, that im willing to sacrifice myself to save him
-that he'll be so hard hearted and stubborn that we won't ever speak to me again
-that he's acting out today
-that he's spending all his money on guns that was suppose to be my ring
-that he'll talk to his ex
-that if we did get back together that it would stay the same
-that years of objectifying women has completely destroyed any respect for them
-that im giving up
-that im calling it quits right when it was starting to get better
-that i wont be able to find anything better
-that ill be miserable for months
-that ill get depressed and fail more at work
-that ill have to go on my family vacations and face them alone
-that ill be totally alone here in provo without friends
-that ill never be able to have healthy trust in a relationship again
-that he isn't really going to school
-not being with his family any more
-feeling terribly alone
-dating again
-letting him pass me by
-that i love him so very much that i will take his abuse
-that i love him so very much that i am risking loosing my favorite person




i don't know what it is, but whenever i feel real deep pain—it triggers my pain for my brother.
one day ill share about him.
and how he led me to the gospel.
post traumatic stress? i need to research it.