am i allowed to say that it is such a relief to not wonder about someone elses recovery?
am i allowed to say that i am soooooooo relieved that i dont have to hear or know of slips/relapses?
im not waiting for any of them, they're not coming to find me. to choke me.
not trying to rub it in. but its really nice. and i cry sooo much less.
but, honest truth, im still haunted.
watched a movie last night with the slightest of scenes and i lost it. i couldnt choke back the tears. i talked myself out of it.
it just opens the flood gates of the deepest emotions.
it hurts.
still.
EVEN during the leadership broadcast, in the presence of the Apostles. hearing about elders having more access to electronics…oooohhh noooo.
there was a clip in one of the movies of each of the family members, and it gets to the dad. he looks like he's on an ipad or something. and i got tears in my eyes hoping it wasnt pornography (of course it wasn't but my sad mind distorts). then theres a scene of two little boys on a school bus. where p. says he was first exposed. i lost it. balled my eyes out.
i just hate it.
its so hurtful.
and it kills me that sooo many people, addicts and spouses alike, are hurting.
i want to help.
i want to do something to help.
and really i need help.
dating isnt easy. trying to figure out how to trust men when they say pornography isn't a part of their life. trying to believe them when you've been lied to exactly like that before.
will the sensitivity fade for me? will i be able to pass a victorias secret and not want to pull my hair out?
will it get easier?
advice anyone?
As much as I enjoyed the broadcast....I had similar triggers!!! technology is both good and bad...it stinks that we know the bad:(
ReplyDeleteI think it will get easier over time as you heal. I haven't been in your situation where I am trying to trust other men, but I have been in the situation where I am trying to trust the one man who I should be able to again. I have times (like now) where it feels so hard and almost impossible to trust again. And, I too was triggered by the broadcast. What about the missionaries who have struggled with porn? I hope they can keep themselves safe from it, you know?
ReplyDeleteFor me, the trust issue comes down to fear. I mean, I have valid reason not to trust, but when it keeps me from allowing forgiveness, and when I keep being too afraid to trust again (because of the potential hurt?), I know it's Satan. He is the one who works through fear. You definitely need to heal, and it will take time. You've been hurt a lot, so it's only natural. But if fear is motivating you, I would say to turn that over to God and ask Him to give you strength to push past your fears. Tell Him your fears, and let Him know if your heart gets broken again that you really need His support to make it.
I hope that wasn't too much, and I hope something I said helps. That's just what came to mind. D, YOU ARE DOING SO SO AMAZING! Keep it up. We're all cheering for you :)
It will get easier. The sensitivity will fade. I don't know if it will 100% go away, but it will get easier, and you will get stronger :)
It gets easier, but it's always a roller coaster, some days are up, some are down. I used to not be able to walk into Target because of the giant poster of girls in tiny bikini's on the wall. Sadly for my bank account, I can shop at target again without too much trouble. As I've continued to seek healing for myself, as I've learned that my husband's actions don't define me, and can't diminish my worth, I've had less trouble with a lot of the triggers with which I used to be paralyzed. I don't know that I will ever be like I was before (and in a lot of ways, I don't think I want to) but hang in there, it does get easier!
ReplyDeletethank you for your comments. and your hope.
ReplyDeletethank you for being strong women.
you are INSPIRED.
and i love you.