who am i to be

Sometimes, it is easy to focus on others. What they do to you, what they are and arent doing... What you wish others would do for you or say... How you wish the world would be.. All the things you have ZERO control over..

And you forget about You. 

Just worrying about yourself alone. 

Choosing who you want to be and how youre going to become that. 

My goal is to worry less about others. 

And work more on being the me that i love.

.journal entry some time ago.

iphone pictures

The truth is, the pain and anxiety doesn't all just disappear once the addict is out of your life.



so women out there thinking divorce will take away all the pain and sorrow, please recognize it is not so. BUT it does become healthier. and it is certainly less pain and anxiety.  but it does not magically all go away.

i was going though my pictures on my iphone the other day.  i found the saddest photos ever.
i have no idea why, but after january sometime, i started documenting pictures of myself when i was hysterical and hurt by p.   it reminded me of how raw and deep that pain was.
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss the great qualities p. possesses.  of course right?
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss our friendship, inside jokes, and activities we loved to do.
but those images of me crying (which i recognize is a totally weird thing for me to take pictures of…) remind me of the reality.

i never have deserved being treated poorly.
no one does.


remember the time i was so excited to make him his easter basket and fill it?  remember the time he got furious with me in the car and left it on my door step?
all the times hes been angry at me for no reason
for the never ending fights over petty things
for the mean things that have been said
for telling me not to cry
for leaving me places
making me feel rejected over and over
for having sex with her
for all the lies

i don't know how i did it for so long.
i was completely the poor lady in the abusive relationship that had blinders on. kept myself in the lions den purposely.
i had so much love and hope and belief in the ability to change.
i thought it could all be worked on and overcome.  i thought it might just be possible to progress from it.


i can honestly say, i have a healthier perspective now.
i thank God for the strength and courage be blessed me with to walk away from that relationship.
there has been nothing but amazing people and experiences since then that have confirmed in my heart and mind that i made the right choice.

i am currently dating a man that treasures me.  he knows how to control himself.
he is slow to anger.
he is calm and respectful.
and he makes me feel like the queen that i am to become.


and i feel sooo very blessed.

Truth.

"Genuine love always desires the highest good for the objects of its affection."

Tossed

"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock."  Matthew 7:25

fact:

im a whole lot more messed up/traumatized than i even thought or wanted to admit.

Bundy

watch this 4 minute clip on my friends blog.
Bra Badges: Chilling

my heart just aches.
as i watched the clip i was reminded:
the worth of every soul is great in the eyes of God


the reality of the destruction of lust and pornography needs to be exposed into our society that says its "normal" and OK.  or that a little bit is OK. or just as long as i have control over it, its OK.  or that its healthy.

there is ABSOLUTELY nothing healthy about it.
it is common, but it is not OK.
and thankfully there is a way out of it.
it does not have to be a part of your life or your loved ones life.
Heavenly Father loves you.  He has provided a Savior to help you and give you the chance to heal.  God wants happiness for you, and freedom from chains that bind you down.
Bundy
please email me to learn more or if you have questions on what to do.
 deziray2@yahoo.com

at one ment with God

Christs mission was to "bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;…to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."

the atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was not just him dying on a cross.
it included his sacrifices made in his life and ministry.
it included his will to obey Gods will. to come to this Earth.
it included the pain and suffering he experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.


i don't know how i hadn't learned it or realized it before…but the following scripture taught me something very important.

He "suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent."

Do we realize that we have been spared part of our suffering?  We dont suffer fully for our imperfections and sins and heartache?

Surely this may mean that when we are being judged after this life that we may be spared and not suffer eternal damnation for our wrongs done on Earth.  Yes, through repentance we will be spared our suffering in the next life.  BUT i would venture to say that we are most definitely spared while still on this Earth.  TODAY.
Jesus Christ provides the relief.
He provides us the means to NOT FULLY SUFFER.



and oh how many of us have felt that we are truly suffering deeply.
my heart aches for you.
i wish i could carry other peoples burdens.
my shoulders are strong enough right now.


i do love you.
i love my Savior for making my burdens light.
for relieving my suffering.
and i hope you may KNOW and FEEL of this in your life.

just like the movies

am i allowed to say that it is such a relief to not wonder about someone elses recovery?
am i allowed to say that i am soooooooo relieved that i dont have to hear or know of slips/relapses?
im not waiting for any of them,  they're not coming to find me. to choke me.
not trying to rub it in. but its really nice.  and i cry sooo much less.


but, honest truth, im still haunted.
watched a movie last night with the slightest of scenes and i lost it.  i couldnt choke back the tears. i talked myself out of it.
it just opens the flood gates of the deepest emotions.
it hurts.
still.


EVEN during the leadership broadcast, in the presence of the Apostles.  hearing about elders having more access to electronics…oooohhh noooo.
there was a clip in one of the movies of each of the family members, and it gets to the dad. he looks like he's on an ipad or something. and i got tears in my eyes hoping it wasnt pornography (of course it wasn't but my sad mind distorts).  then theres a scene of two little boys on a school bus.  where p. says he was first exposed.  i lost it. balled my eyes out.

i just hate it.
its so hurtful.
and it kills me that sooo many people, addicts and spouses alike, are hurting.
i want to help.
i want to do something to help.


and really i need help.
dating isnt easy.  trying to figure out how to trust men when they say pornography isn't a part of their life.  trying to believe them when you've been lied to exactly like that before.
will the sensitivity fade for me? will i be able to pass a victorias secret and not want to pull my hair out?
will it get easier?


advice anyone?

"The first instruction to Adam for his mortal responsibility is found in Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."" - Tom L. Perry

I would like to be married..

i love the temple.



"In this world we may receive many gifts—cars, money, beautiful homes, educational degrees, and fame in our professions. But none of these compares to the light and revelation that comes to us in the temple. Why is this so? Because there is a special spirit in the temple that can bring us direction and peace in our lives."

updated boundaries

a couple months ago, i prayerfully and fasting fully, created some boundaries for myself particularly concerning the relationship i was in.

i believe that those boundaries need to be revised.  i had the impression the other day that i need to sit down and reconsider what my boundaries need to be as i date again.

i feel like things are very different this time around.  i've learned new things since being with p. and i have grown a lot.  i think i will have a much different approach to dating now and definitely a different mind frame.

i want to date again in the healthiest way possible.
i want to do it right.
i want to find an exceptional man that will push me to be better everyday, that will walk by my side always and will help me bring our family to the celestial kingdom.
i need to be dating the best of men
to marry the best one.

so heres a rough draft….

Boundaries:

I will:
-work full time until i have babies
-consistently budget to contribute to getting out of debt
-prayerfully seek to fulfill and magnify my calling
-try to express love to as many people as possible, as often as possible
-attend the temple weekly
-do something i love every day.
-pray when i feel sad.
-cook more at home, and eat out less than 3 x wk
-get 8 hrs of sleep every night
-try to improve my weaknesses
-read my patriarchal blessing at least once a month
-run 13.1 miles in august
-try to fulfill my mission statement (overcome the natural man. create synergy. inspire belief.)
-put my garments on asap after workouts
-give out a book of mormon to someone this summer
-try to make more friends
-read the scriptures and STUDY them daily
-be open about sharing my testimony and the gospel with others
-say yes to first dates
-call my grammie at least on sundays
-only pursue second dates with men that could possibly fall under my top 5 non negotiables (love for God and sharing the gospel, wants a family and children in the near future, strong communicator, no temper, respectful-to me, to other women, to the waiter, to everyone)
-bear testimony of and be open about the 12 step program of the church in hopes to help someone
-strive to be compassionate. forgiving. and non judgmental.
-stand up for myself, for the innocent, and for womanhood
-be better than OK

I will not:
-watch rated R movies
-spend the night with boys
-let myself sit in self pity
-stop running
-make excuses not to go to ward events, dates, dancing, etc
-date men that aren't living a lifestyle worthy to be in the temple
-let satan win
-allow others to manipulate me
-stop living the gospel and commandments ever
-speak poorly about p. to others
-stay in a relationship where i am cussed at, yelled at, or abused physically or emotionally.
-settle
-stop pursuing who i want to become
-try to finish peoples sentences
-marry someone that isnt spiritually at a similar or better spot than i am
-marry someone that doesnt understand the law of chastity
-stay in relationships with men that can't open the door or openly talk
-stop doing the things i love for a boy
-allow anyone to disrespect me by not honoring my boundaries
-give up. on myself. my dreams. on God.

His Princess

Few things more powerful than my mum sending me these words:

You are in my thoughts! And the most amazing person I know. And, to top it off, a daughter if God. And if that doesn't make you worthy of being treated like a princess, i dont know what does.

this past week has been so interesting.
i don't really know everything that i feel or what im thinking for the future.
but i do know that i feel relief.
i also feel like my relationship with p. has messed me up.
i also feel significantly less anxiety.


i hung out with a boy this week.  it was a great time.
but i found myself repeatedly saying sorry for things.  i guess i was use to having to apologize for everything.
i also found myself thinking multiple times if i was annoying or making the guy mad.
it was really quite ridiculous.
i began to recognize that i think i am going to struggle to trust other people a lot now.
i wonder if they're tricking me, manipulating me, or just trying to put on some "great guy" face.


remember the time p. said he was going to class and doing homework and such this spring?  he wasn't really in school.
seriously.
i had no idea.
how do i recover from that? from people in my life that i could have never predicted or even thought of lying about the most trivial things?  how do i believe other men when so many of them blatantly lie to my face?
why do they do it?


i went out to a movie friday night.
the google internship one.  really funny except the insanely long strip club scene (don't see this movie or let your kids or spouse…)
i triggered like crazy.  i started crying in the theatre.
the scene was terrible and the movie was rate pg-13.
i didnt want the boys i was there with to see it.
i didnt want to see it.
i wished i had gotten up and left the theatre.
i couln't handle the reminder of the pain i feel inside.
that my man (men…ugh) had preferred that over me, that that was better than us having a healthy relationship, that that was what he sought after
my broken heart.
the people i was with didn't think anything of it.

am i going to be messed up forever?

When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust. And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

--sis Dibbs

Update:

My heart is going to be OK.

Eq pres texts me:

You'll like this quote.

"Woman was created from a rib out of the side of Adam; not from his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."

Has there ever been a sweeter modern day scripture?

My heart just melted. 

God loves me.

I feel so blessed.

be believing

i am clinging to my faith. i believe that Jesus Christ can do the things he promised he can in the scriptures and in my heart. i know that God is so very aware of my loneliness and heart ache. i am desperately and faithfully holding to the hope of better things to come. I have received counsel that i must remain faithful, true to my covenants, obey all of the commandments with exactness—and i will be blessed.
it is not easy for me to be positive right now.
but I can feel the strength the Savior is providing me with right now.

fears

i met with my absolutely wonderful and inspired stake presidency counselor.
he is a gift.
he is the kind of man that speaks scriptures fluently.
he teaches me things that i never knew possible.

he and i sifted through my feelings today.
it was so therapeutic.  so healthy. he's so  nonjudgmental.
he was so full of love and kindness to me.  he was so full of praise.

he is just what i imagine being with the Savior would be like.
thats amazing.



i talked to him about some of my fears.
i talked to him as honestly and openly as possible.
he made clear that i do not need to tell anyone including boyfriends/a husband about my past transgressions.  he said what good would that do? it just reopens wounds and discredits the atonement of Jesus Christ.  i wept.  i, for some reason, felt like i was lying or hiding something by not telling every boy about it.
that wound really has been reopened time and time again.
and through recovery, i feel like i can finally close that for good.

he also asked me to take away all my fears and THEN decide how i feel about p.

so here are my honest fears…
I FEAR:
-waking up one day, 5 years down the road, married to him and going through a stint like our campout, and telling myself, "dear girl, you knew this when you were dating. when you could have gotten out. and now you are stuck."
-him loosing himself and being depressed with our break up
-him have sex with other girls after our break up
-every word i say might piss him off
-when he is mad
-how he would treat children
-children seeing a husband treat a wife that way
-children thinking its ok to deal with anger like he does
-that im too old and they're arent any good men left over the age of 25
-that other boys wont be worthy either
-that i wont be able to connect with someone else the way i do with p.
-that im going to be 30 and not married
-that i'll never have kids, have trouble having kids, that ill be that sad single woman that wants to be a mother so bad that she adopts her own
-that other people are pressuring my decision
-that p. is my security blanket
-that im too much of a saver/protector/nurturer, that im willing to sacrifice myself to save him
-that he'll be so hard hearted and stubborn that we won't ever speak to me again
-that he's acting out today
-that he's spending all his money on guns that was suppose to be my ring
-that he'll talk to his ex
-that if we did get back together that it would stay the same
-that years of objectifying women has completely destroyed any respect for them
-that im giving up
-that im calling it quits right when it was starting to get better
-that i wont be able to find anything better
-that ill be miserable for months
-that ill get depressed and fail more at work
-that ill have to go on my family vacations and face them alone
-that ill be totally alone here in provo without friends
-that ill never be able to have healthy trust in a relationship again
-that he isn't really going to school
-not being with his family any more
-feeling terribly alone
-dating again
-letting him pass me by
-that i love him so very much that i will take his abuse
-that i love him so very much that i am risking loosing my favorite person




i don't know what it is, but whenever i feel real deep pain—it triggers my pain for my brother.
one day ill share about him.
and how he led me to the gospel.
post traumatic stress? i need to research it.

Seek

Text from my sweet eqp:

All the fliers got passed out. Should get a decent turn out. Thanks for your testimony also. You're powerful. Your testimony reminded me of this quotes “A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” How true it is.