boundaries.

my vision when i set out to create boundaries:
1. i am doing this to protect myself and respect myself and to create a healthier life for myself
2. these boundaries are not forced upon anyone, but if people in my life (namely p.) do not wish to live within them—consequences do follow, which are spelled out
3. these boundaries are out of love and not anger or punishment
4. these boundaries are what i can handle and what i can not handle
5. this is who i am, and what i deserve and want, and i will have the courage to stand by my own boundaries
6. make sure i had the Spirit with me as I created and pondered the necessary boundaries in my life.  i know and felt that my boundaries are approved by the Lord, and are worthy perimeters
7. these boundaries were not formed to confine anyone, they are to ensure freedom, happiness, and growth

Boundaries:

 I will:

-replace my garments ASAP after workouts

-attend the temple once a week

-work on being healthy physically  (at least 8 hours of sleep every night, at least 5 workouts a week, eat healthy)

-work on being emotionally healthy (detaching, trusting God, letting go of things i can not control, controlling negative thoughts)

-work on my spiritual health (daily scripture reading, studying healing through Christ, writing, attending all 3 hours of church, family history work, PRAYERS throughout the day, service to others)

-Let the other person know when I am feeling manipulated or blamed, to give them a chance to change the way they are communicating first.  If their behavior does not change, I will let them know that I must leave the conversation.

-communicate daily about mine, and his, and recovery in general with p.—even if he does not like it

-enjoy life now!  (find reasons to smile, play MY music, run, photography, dance, CRAFT!, hobbies)

-tell him how i am honestly feeling, and take responsibility to make every attempt to be thoughtful that i do not blame, hurt feelings, or purposely be unkind

-try to be as Christ-like as possible in response to slips— i love you will always be the first words

-i will express more feelings of hope to P. throughout the week, this includes things I have learned in my scripture study and readings/writings

-walk away and leave negative environments when someone is short/bitter toward me, or in an irritated mood, and choose a healthier environment to be in.  I will communicate my feelings and why I need to leave before, and will never just leave as a punishment or out of anger—i will leave because it is not healthy for me to be treated that way

-i will seek to live a life with more gratitude (gratitude lists, "thank you" prayers, express to others my appreciation daily)

-i will listen more, seek to understand the other persons view, and think less about how to defend myself

-share my testimony of the atonement often, with everyone i feel prompted to

-partake of the sacrament every week, no matter where i am

-celebrate our victories

I will NOT:

-withhold love

-watch R rated movies or listen to music that has any cussing or degrades women

-continue in a relationship with a man that is NOT actively and enthusiastically working on recovery.  That includes: 

    1. having a sponsor to be held accountable to, to confide in, and seek help from-daily  

    2. Attending 12 Step Recovery Meetings at least once a week  

    3. Meeting with the bishop regularly and being completely honest at the very least, every other week.   

    4. Working with a counselor that specializes in sexual addiction recovery & is LDS, once a week  

All of these (1-4) boundaries are to begin to be implemented starting next week (first week of April).  If at any point, one or more of these boundaries are not being met, I will communicate that to you within the first week.  If changes and rededication is not made by the second week, I will have to excuse myself from the relationship.  

-be in a relationship where there is not 100% honesty—A conversation must be had where all of the secrets are out on the table for both parties (this conversation is to be within the next 7 days). From that point further, open communication is key and complete honesty is required. Trust must begin to be rebuilt little by little, no lies or hiding or having ANY secrets—  there MUST be open communication for both parties.  If a question is asked about addiction, a full and honest answer is expected.  I can not always be asking about recovery or about things that I have no idea about, in a relationship with complete honesty—it is expected that my partner comes forward on their own to disclose anything they need to be honest about.  Trust is what binds two people together.  

-be in a relationship where i do not feel valued and loved and like my feelings are valued.

-be in a relationship with a man that i am afraid of.  I need to be able to feel safe to tell you how I feel without receiving a negative, verbally abusive reaction.  

-allow others to "MAKE ME FEEL" anything—I choose

-allow arguments that offend the Spirit— this includes yelling, uncontrolled anger, blaming & name calling— I will excuse myself from the conversation if this happens

-defend myself or cut my partner off in arguments

-stay with a man who's acting out destroys my self esteem and sanity.

-i will never shame or punish P. for acting out, nor will i prevent natural consequences of his acting out

-try to save him or protect him 

-control his phone or computer

-read blogs or books or articles about addiction when I do not feel the Spirit while doing so

-assume anything about pauls addiction (that it is the same severity as someone i read about, that he must be doing this and that etc)

-get married any where but the temple—no matter what

I will reassess these boundaries once a month (the last sunday of every month) to see if any of them need to be altered.  I imagine, many of them will morph and change and be altered with time, and definitely once I get married.

i am talking to p about these boundaries tonight.  we have not spoken for the past 3 days.  i am finally at the point, where i need to be back in control of my life.  i am ready to walk away if he does not commit to FULL recovery.  100%.

prayers for me tonight.  i hope it goes well.  i feel so peaceful about it and I have the Spirit with me and so much love for him—so I know i've done everything that i have power over.  

whew.

i feel so good.