all things are possible

God has done something very divine to me.

As a teacher, over a student that suffers from severe anxiety, grief, and lack of self worth, i decided today was a writing day.  i place three pieces of happy yellow colored paper and said we both are going to fill these pages front and back with words.  you can write anything you want to. you just have to write. (i secretly want to be a therapist now.)

(just kidding. i'd go nuts.) 

so i wrote and wrote and wrote…and 2 hours went by…

it was one of the best things i could have done while i was fasting.

one of the greatest realizations i wrote about was this:

The past couple of weeks I have really felt a healthy thing happen to me that God has done.  He really, truly has been the one to do it.  I imagine him taking a splinter out—"this may hurt a little bit, but it will allow you happiness and to heal properly."  He has allowed me and made me detach from p. and from his addiction, in a mental and emotional way.  A very healthy way.  i dont feel numb, or disconnected or lost.  i just feel like all the immense sorrow and grief and despair that accompanies p.'s lashing out and the addiction—are all diminished and manageable.  like today i read a text from him disclosing another slip from this weekend.  didn't even phase me. (honestly its the least of our troubles right now).  but i wasn't a basket case, i wasnt out of control. my mind stayed focused, with the Spirit, on the eternal perspective.  I didn't even realize it was happening to me, until now.  Until it was.  I'm so very grateful to God for it.  I know I have been working hard at recovery, and I am blessed for it.  I'm not affected by p. as much any more.

p. and me: our story + Dday

[grab a snack and kick your feet up if you're going to read through all of this…]
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.

i was drawn to him.  i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on.  i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way.  it fills me with something good.

i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity.  his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.

somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done.  he was kind.  he as sweet.  and it seemed his affection didn't change at all.  the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past.  what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked.  he said it use to be a problem.  i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.

it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.


despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together.  we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship.  we grew deeply in love.  i took him home to meet my family in April.  he loved them.  it was such a great weekend.  and it seemed, he fit right in.

June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much.  they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple.  it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.

the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often.  that i really was an annoying person.  i was embarrassed.  i felt like i was terribly flawed.

so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc.  i applied them and improved myself.  and no matter what technique i tried.  no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words.   no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.

it. is. exhausting.

about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:

im so ready for conference this weekend.