As a teacher, over a student that suffers from severe anxiety, grief, and lack of self worth, i decided today was a writing day. i place three pieces of happy yellow colored paper and said we both are going to fill these pages front and back with words. you can write anything you want to. you just have to write. (i secretly want to be a therapist now.)
(just kidding. i'd go nuts.)
so i wrote and wrote and wrote…and 2 hours went by…
it was one of the best things i could have done while i was fasting.
one of the greatest realizations i wrote about was this:
The past couple of weeks I have really felt a healthy thing happen to me that God has done. He really, truly has been the one to do it. I imagine him taking a splinter out—"this may hurt a little bit, but it will allow you happiness and to heal properly." He has allowed me and made me detach from p. and from his addiction, in a mental and emotional way. A very healthy way. i dont feel numb, or disconnected or lost. i just feel like all the immense sorrow and grief and despair that accompanies p.'s lashing out and the addiction—are all diminished and manageable. like today i read a text from him disclosing another slip from this weekend. didn't even phase me. (honestly its the least of our troubles right now). but i wasn't a basket case, i wasnt out of control. my mind stayed focused, with the Spirit, on the eternal perspective. I didn't even realize it was happening to me, until now. Until it was. I'm so very grateful to God for it. I know I have been working hard at recovery, and I am blessed for it. I'm not affected by p. as much any more.
Just this past weekend, when he went through is isolation and depression and was mean, i was ok. i went about my days doing what i normally would. i had a blast with his family, i worked, i laughed at tv shows. i was seriously ok. now i wasn't without ANY negative feelings at all, but they were bearable, i could handle them. He doesn't have the power to hurt me any more. HOW FREEING! What a sweet relief! I have been in control more than in the past and I am relatively happy, even on my own. This is a great thing. I feel his Spirit with me more and my mind is clear. I have been spending HOURS every day on recovery. I counted the other day—i read 4 different materials (scriptures, a talk from conference, a church book, helpful blogs) and wrote and said prayers often and pondered recovery. I probably spent about 5 hours just on recovery stuff throughout the day. that constant devotion, and attention and work! THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES! real energy.
Just this past weekend, when he went through is isolation and depression and was mean, i was ok. i went about my days doing what i normally would. i had a blast with his family, i worked, i laughed at tv shows. i was seriously ok. now i wasn't without ANY negative feelings at all, but they were bearable, i could handle them. He doesn't have the power to hurt me any more. HOW FREEING! What a sweet relief! I have been in control more than in the past and I am relatively happy, even on my own. This is a great thing. I feel his Spirit with me more and my mind is clear. I have been spending HOURS every day on recovery. I counted the other day—i read 4 different materials (scriptures, a talk from conference, a church book, helpful blogs) and wrote and said prayers often and pondered recovery. I probably spent about 5 hours just on recovery stuff throughout the day. that constant devotion, and attention and work! THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES! real energy.
I know that this is God's organization and church on the Earth. I know that He is divine. I know that he is my father and he loves me and I AM HIS. I know that he has a plan that is perfect and includes our trials of this mortal life. I know that if I obey him, he will never lead me astray. He will always be there with open arms to embrace me and show me the way. I love my Savior. I love that he came to Earth to teach us how to live and bring the priesthood authority to this Earth. He is my brother and my best friend. He is the one that is ALWAYS there for me. I know that he is aware of me. I know i am never given challenges that I cannot overcome. I know that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IN JESUS CHRIST. i know that He has a special plan for me. I am NOT a nobody. I have a role here on earth to fulfill. I have babies to birth and teach. I have people to support and love! I have dreams to fulfill. I have mountains to climb! I have uncontrollable laughter to be had. I have people to lead. I have covenants to keep. I have family to comfort. I have meals to prepare! I have miles to run. I have a gospel to share! I have family members to perform ordinances for! I have a father in heaven who needs ME!! I am special and strong and valiant. I am needed and worthy and a daughter of God. NO ONE can diminish the light, which is Christ, that is within me.
p. and i talk tonight. i feel the Spirit with me strongly, but i don't know yet exactly what is to come. but i know i will be guided.
life is still good.
What a strong example you are in allowing the spirit to guide you! Praying for you tonight.
ReplyDelete~hopefulwife