i wish this blog was more cheerful like the title implies.
i had nightmares and woke up curled in a ball crying.
we were on vacation and he was cheating on me with my sister.
and they were both smiling and happy.
i wanted to throw up and die.
haha.
then (i watched the office before i fell asleep) we were working together and pornographic sites kept printing off the printer when i asked him to print a work document.
everyone was crowding around me. giving me dirty looks.
i made some excuse for him.
my heart raced and i woke up crying again.
i said 3 prayers and fell back asleep.
i had a nightmare i found pornography on his phone—he has promised he has never used his phone..
when i asked him, he just smiled and shrugged.
my pillow was soaked and i desperately did not want to come to work.
but here i am.
i forced myself to smile at myself in the mirror.
and i prayed.
and i said, "Heavenly Father, let it pass from me."
"i will not go down with you, p. love ya, but i am going to choose the Savior.
i can do it.
i have done hard things.
and i will do something great with today."
Showing posts with label satans grasp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satans grasp. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
p. and me: our story + Dday
[grab a snack and kick your feet up if you're going to read through all of this…]
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.
i was drawn to him. i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on. i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way. it fills me with something good.
i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity. his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.
somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done. he was kind. he as sweet. and it seemed his affection didn't change at all. the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past. what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked. he said it use to be a problem. i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.
it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.
despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together. we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship. we grew deeply in love. i took him home to meet my family in April. he loved them. it was such a great weekend. and it seemed, he fit right in.
June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much. they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple. it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.
the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often. that i really was an annoying person. i was embarrassed. i felt like i was terribly flawed.
so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc. i applied them and improved myself. and no matter what technique i tried. no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words. no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.
it. is. exhausting.
about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:
we met the end of february 2012.
we began working at the same place.
i was drawn to him. i remember oogling to my mom over the phone about this boy i had a huge crush on. i felt like a lil girl.
he was awkwardly tall and was ridiculously handsome.
his smile made me melt. and it still does.
in the most uncontrollable way. it fills me with something good.
i was drawn, ironically, to his positivity. his kindness to others. his passion for our work.
i wanted to be around his happiness.
it didn't take long for us to begin dating.
somewhere in the beginning, i shared my story with courage—ready to be dumped, as many men have done. he was kind. he as sweet. and it seemed his affection didn't change at all. the same evening, he shared a little bit about his past. what he shared did not include anything about pornography.
so of course i asked. he said it use to be a problem. i asked how long ago it was "a problem" he said the last time was 2 years ago.
i had no reason to not believe him. so i happily went on.
it was 1 month later that we had our first big argument.
it included him yelling and uncontrolled anger (never has he been physically abusive, only verbal).
it was over something that we could have easily spoken about and cleared up.
but the conversation raged out of control.
i had no idea what was going on or what it was rooted in, but defensively i cried and responded to him.
despite our arguments over very silly things and my confusion over why our communication sucked, we enjoyed the rest of our time together. we laughed more than i ever have in a relationship. we grew deeply in love. i took him home to meet my family in April. he loved them. it was such a great weekend. and it seemed, he fit right in.
June, he took me to meet his family.
i loved them so very much. they were so welcoming, loving, and i felt connected to them.
driving away from their home, he turned to me in the car and said, "i want to take you to the temple. it may time me some time, but if you will be patient, i will take you there."
i was floored.
i was immensely happy.
i hung to those words for months.
i waited to see how he would prepare himself to be temple worthy and feel more of his testimony.
the months went by.
he went to church most of the time, but not all the time.
easy excuses like, i overslept, i don't feel well—seemed acceptable to him.
once or twice, he shared testimony with me.
and the fights continued and raged.
i cried myself to sleep often.
he would make me feel that our communication problems were somehow my fault.
for 10 months.
10 months! i believed something was wrong with me. that i was doing something terrible to make him so mad so often. that i really was an annoying person. i was embarrassed. i felt like i was terribly flawed.
so i started reading books, "the 5 love languages", stephen covey books, "sacred union", etc. i applied them and improved myself. and no matter what technique i tried. no matter how i approached him, or when, or with certain words. no matter how carefully i tried to be of my words and actions—
he blew up.
it. is. exhausting.
about 7 months in, not knowing about the addiction yet, i wrote:
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
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