peeling back the layers.

p. recently told me there was a lengthy bout of sobriety before he started dating me.
i was trying to better understand the timeline, putting pieces together that i didn't know.
he said in the beginning of our relationship he began acting out again, but really just once a month or so—then it built up more and more.

i am wondering WHY.



i know his addiction has been a part of him for a very long time.
i don't blame myself for him ever having the addiction.
but did i somehow make it "flare up"?

i know that he had a very lustful relationship some time before me.  i know that he wasn't viewing pornography then, because he was acting out with her.  i know that God would have him resolve this and face it head on now that he is in a relationship that could become an eternal one.
so it is not a bad thing that the addiction has surfaced and is now being addressed.  its a wonderful thing! it is so very necessary.  it is the only way for p. to find true peace and happiness and for him to have a marriage with trust in it.  so im not mad that we are fighting this battle.  and perhaps, the reasons why he became so much more active in relapses was just naturally necessary.
"gets worse before it gets better" right?

but a tiny part of me wonders,  did i do something wrong to make it worse?


i suppose its a deadly question.
i suppose it really doesn't matter now.
and i suppose nothing good would come from me placing that burden on my shoulders.
i guess i just found it very interesting.

trust

"When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust.  And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost."   —Ann M. Dibb

"You are never far from the sight of your loving Heavenly Father."

oh how i wish i could take on his burden and turmoil.
i wish i could help on the other side of that yoke.
i wish i could transfer the Spirit directly into his heart.
i wish i could have him see the strong, valiant man that i see.
i wish i could carry him through.
i wish i could take the temptations upon myself.


but this is not my burden to bear.
i know i have to sit and watch.
my noah and ali moments.
and he has a Savior that is a whole lot more powerful and perfect than my small human efforts.



update.
he is working really hard lately.
he's doing good.

wednesday night i got a text while sitting in ARP.
i didnt see his car when i walked into the meeting. i prayed he showed up late.
right before my time to share.  the text said, "slipped."
all i could say was, i love you, get to the meeting even if its half over.
and my heart just melted to a big exhausted puddle on the floor.
i wasn't mad.  i was just sad.
i bore testimony about the things i do know to be true about myself and about recovery and about the atonement.
i left the meeting with lots of hugs and tried to decide what to do.

i wanted to wail hysterically.
i also wanted to tell him all my fears and thoughts and pain.
i also wanted to hold him and take away everything he is feeling.
i also wanted to just let him sit in whatever misery he was in to feel the extent of his consequences.
oh the internal battle.

i found myself driving to his house. i said a prayer. i told myself i wont let myself go inside if i am feeling angry. so i stopped and assessed how i was feeling and if i trusted myself enough to not be hurt or angry toward him.  i felt the Spirit.  i knew i could do it.  i also felt prompted to not say anything at all (lest anger came out).   So i went in.  he said something defensive.  i wanted to cry seeing the brick wall he puts up.  i hadn't said a word.  he was protecting himself from the wrath or hurt he was expecting from me.   it broke my heart.
dear satan,
please leave my man alone.

so i just hugged him.
i held him in my arms.
until he sobbed.
and he shook. and i cried with him.
for a long time.
he was writing in his journal when i walked in and he read to me what he wrote.
he is a good man.
he told me he thinks this was rock bottom.
he told me how much he hates this. and wants to get rid of it.
he made a list of ways for him to combat satan when a temptation arises.
it was such a good evening together.

so we battle on.

Marriott hotels owned by a mormon right? Marriott hotels have a book of mormon in the drawer right? Marriott hotels also make a huge profit off pornography right?

walkers

last night, p. compared his addiction to zombies.
i knew this day would come.

i just had a weird thought..
am i scared of what life would be like without his addiction?  i don't think i mean life in sobriety. i mean a life where it just wasn't existing.
maybe i am fearing being over confident spiritually or becoming naive again (i guess thats not possible)…
im not even sure what im trying to say.
i guess maybe i just have some sort of comfort knowing what the problem is that p. and i face.
its kind of nice to not always be wondering what the problem is.
and if i wasn't with him, i think i may live in fear of it, knowing its really out there-- running around lying to pretty girls like me.

that didn't make sense right?
perhaps i should delete this.

john 14:27

" Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. "

write it on my forehead. paint it on my walls.