p. recently told me there was a lengthy bout of sobriety before he started dating me.
i was trying to better understand the timeline, putting pieces together that i didn't know.
he said in the beginning of our relationship he began acting out again, but really just once a month or so—then it built up more and more.
i am wondering WHY.
i know his addiction has been a part of him for a very long time.
i don't blame myself for him ever having the addiction.
but did i somehow make it "flare up"?
i know that he had a very lustful relationship some time before me. i know that he wasn't viewing pornography then, because he was acting out with her. i know that God would have him resolve this and face it head on now that he is in a relationship that could become an eternal one.
so it is not a bad thing that the addiction has surfaced and is now being addressed. its a wonderful thing! it is so very necessary. it is the only way for p. to find true peace and happiness and for him to have a marriage with trust in it. so im not mad that we are fighting this battle. and perhaps, the reasons why he became so much more active in relapses was just naturally necessary.
"gets worse before it gets better" right?
but a tiny part of me wonders, did i do something wrong to make it worse?
i suppose its a deadly question.
i suppose it really doesn't matter now.
and i suppose nothing good would come from me placing that burden on my shoulders.
i guess i just found it very interesting.
I remember feeling this way too. I figured it had to be something I was doing or had done that made my husband's addiction escalate the way it did. I even tried to compromise with him. What a mess that made! We've been in recovery for over two years and I know now that it isn't my fault. It never was. I can't control it. It's out of my hands and I turned it over to God.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. Nothing good can come with you placing that burden on your shoulders.
I wish you the best.