"You are never far from the sight of your loving Heavenly Father."

oh how i wish i could take on his burden and turmoil.
i wish i could help on the other side of that yoke.
i wish i could transfer the Spirit directly into his heart.
i wish i could have him see the strong, valiant man that i see.
i wish i could carry him through.
i wish i could take the temptations upon myself.


but this is not my burden to bear.
i know i have to sit and watch.
my noah and ali moments.
and he has a Savior that is a whole lot more powerful and perfect than my small human efforts.



update.
he is working really hard lately.
he's doing good.

wednesday night i got a text while sitting in ARP.
i didnt see his car when i walked into the meeting. i prayed he showed up late.
right before my time to share.  the text said, "slipped."
all i could say was, i love you, get to the meeting even if its half over.
and my heart just melted to a big exhausted puddle on the floor.
i wasn't mad.  i was just sad.
i bore testimony about the things i do know to be true about myself and about recovery and about the atonement.
i left the meeting with lots of hugs and tried to decide what to do.

i wanted to wail hysterically.
i also wanted to tell him all my fears and thoughts and pain.
i also wanted to hold him and take away everything he is feeling.
i also wanted to just let him sit in whatever misery he was in to feel the extent of his consequences.
oh the internal battle.

i found myself driving to his house. i said a prayer. i told myself i wont let myself go inside if i am feeling angry. so i stopped and assessed how i was feeling and if i trusted myself enough to not be hurt or angry toward him.  i felt the Spirit.  i knew i could do it.  i also felt prompted to not say anything at all (lest anger came out).   So i went in.  he said something defensive.  i wanted to cry seeing the brick wall he puts up.  i hadn't said a word.  he was protecting himself from the wrath or hurt he was expecting from me.   it broke my heart.
dear satan,
please leave my man alone.

so i just hugged him.
i held him in my arms.
until he sobbed.
and he shook. and i cried with him.
for a long time.
he was writing in his journal when i walked in and he read to me what he wrote.
he is a good man.
he told me he thinks this was rock bottom.
he told me how much he hates this. and wants to get rid of it.
he made a list of ways for him to combat satan when a temptation arises.
it was such a good evening together.

so we battle on.