this past week has been so interesting.
i don't really know everything that i feel or what im thinking for the future.
but i do know that i feel relief.
i also feel like my relationship with p. has messed me up.
i also feel significantly less anxiety.
i hung out with a boy this week. it was a great time.
but i found myself repeatedly saying sorry for things. i guess i was use to having to apologize for everything.
i also found myself thinking multiple times if i was annoying or making the guy mad.
it was really quite ridiculous.
i began to recognize that i think i am going to struggle to trust other people a lot now.
i wonder if they're tricking me, manipulating me, or just trying to put on some "great guy" face.
remember the time p. said he was going to class and doing homework and such this spring? he wasn't really in school.
seriously.
i had no idea.
how do i recover from that? from people in my life that i could have never predicted or even thought of lying about the most trivial things? how do i believe other men when so many of them blatantly lie to my face?
why do they do it?
i went out to a movie friday night.
the google internship one. really funny except the insanely long strip club scene (don't see this movie or let your kids or spouse…)
i triggered like crazy. i started crying in the theatre.
the scene was terrible and the movie was rate pg-13.
i didnt want the boys i was there with to see it.
i didnt want to see it.
i wished i had gotten up and left the theatre.
i couln't handle the reminder of the pain i feel inside.
that my man (men…ugh) had preferred that over me, that that was better than us having a healthy relationship, that that was what he sought after
my broken heart.
the people i was with didn't think anything of it.
am i going to be messed up forever?
i really am in school... don't know who told you i wasn't
ReplyDeleteAt no point did i nor will i ever prefer "it" over being with you...
in fact theres almost nothing i would prefer more than to be with you
never at any point has it been what i've wanted
its whats been holding me back from achieving what i've always wanted: to be a worthy priesthood holder and to have a temple marriage and to better show you the true love i feel for you
its whats held me captive under the veil of pride and left me blind to the hurt ive caused you along the way
i am sorry
so very sorry
dont forget how much your spirituality has grown and how much your personal relationship with the savior has increased.
you're not messed up d.
youre so beautiful
you're so amazing
God loves you perfectly and he's aware of what you're going through
i don't know if its wrong/taboo for me to be the one saying this... but i know its true and pray that you will come to know it too.
- p.
dearest p.
ReplyDeletei you do not need to spend your worries on me, hoping that i will come to know those things.
I DO know that I am a choice daughter of God. I do know that he loves me, is aware of me and lifts me up with his very own hands. I know it. I feel it. everyday. i know of my worth. i know Jesus Christ suffered that i might not fully suffer here.
having knowledge of this truth has led me to my choices with you.
i made the mistake of opening your journal a week and a half ago. i had never done it before. i never looked at your phone or computer or things. i was always too afraid of what i would find. i was happier for so very long blinding myself.
i opened to an entry that said you have not gone to english for the first 3 weeks of class. you told me you were. you told me you were doing homework. …..? you did that in the spring as well. do you remember? you told me just a couple of weeks before finals that you really havent been going to classes and you dropped some.
it is ok.
it is ok that this is a hard time. it is ok to take time off school to focus. it is ok that its difficult. but it is NEVER OK to lie to me about it.
on your blog, you wrote "how does she not trust me? i go to group, i see my counselor, etc." do you know its not about that at all?
trust isnt you coming to me and telling me a year later that you cheated on me. trust is built when you decide not to do those things in the first place. it is choosing not to hide. choosing not to lie even about small things. it is being transparent. it is NOT just putting a filter on your computer to fake trust.
time and time and lie and lie again, that trust has been utterly stomped on and destroyed.
i kept trying. i really did.
heaven knows i did with all my heart.
i gave you everything i possibly have.
even to the point of loosing myself.
and i just can't sacrifice my own happiness and future any more.
and im so happy in your post that you had an enlightening moment where you realized the worth of women.
thats lovely. but a year and a half too late.
you can't burn me week after week and expect the ashes to stand.
what i wrote about on this post was not about my lack of trust in God, but my lack of trust in MAN.
i love you. you are a good man.
you are working hard and finding success. i know you are helping other men in group. and God must be surely pleased with your continued repentance. i will always be thankful for the journey and heartache and ways that you've taught me to love like God does.
always
-d.
on trust:"When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust. And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost." —Ann M. Dibb
ReplyDelete