brick wall.

we broke up.
today.
2 hours ago.

im afraid it was impulsive. im also afraid its been a long time coming. im also afraid it was the wrong choice.

im confused.
and im heartbroken.
again.

we've never broken up or "taken a break" (whatever that means), we don't play that game.
and im proud of that.
all the terrible nights and situations and yelling—i never once called it quits.
i kept going
and going.

and im exhausted.


im confused because i felt so very right about everything lately.
he's made a lot of changes and been more transparent and has been working hard at recovery.
its been so nice.
and its been awesome to feel good about the direction we're headed.

and then last night we went camping.
he was irritable and short before we were even in the car.
we got him food and he cooled down.
once our campsite was pitched we went on a walk, on the walk he got upset that i wasn't using the proper terminology as he taught me about guns and claimed i was being proud and unteachable.  then he said, "no wonder you have problems with your boss."
i turned around without saying a word.
and he left me there.
i found my way back to the camp site and we brushed it off trying to have a good time.
i can't remember what was said over dinner but he cussed at me and dropped the f bomb and i cried and he got mad at me for crying and he got in the car and left me there.
i cried over macaroni and cheese.
he came back 25 min later and didn't speak to me the rest of the night except when he demanded that i bring the lantern to him.  i got up and said, "please?" and he said, "Now."
i left the lantern there.
he made breakfast in the morning but didn't speak to me.

he thinks its all my fault.
he manipulates every word i say to try to make me feel bad.
and i prayed a lot.
and i read my scriptures with that lantern.
and i asked myself if i could be happy doing this every now and then.



i feel like he thinks i am a big brick wall.
that he can just punch and throw things at (he doesnt literally) and it won't leave a mark.
he thinks its all ok.
when in reality, every time he emotionally punches me in the gut, pieces of that brick are crumbling.
and crumbling.
and i can't just keep taking it.
this brick wall just fell this morning.
the last punch.


i feel guilty because i know he has a problem in handling negativity and anger.
i know that he has acted out as the form of coping.
i know that he treats me poorly as his form of coping.
and neither are ok.

i told him, his biggest problem here is the fact that he doesn't know how to healthily deal with negative feelings.  its ok that he gets mad or frustrated with me, thats understandable.  i get mad and frustrated with him too.  but you have to deal with it properly.  he can just desert me wherever we are (he's left me in a store before, leaves my house all the time without saying anything, left me at the church once).  he can't abandon me and neglect me, and go into 3 day isolation every time he feels something negative.
i just cant do it.
its not ok, addiction or not.  its not ok.

i love this man with all my heart, and i would do anything for him.
and me staying with him and enduring this behavior would be me enabling him.
letting that behavior go on is not helping him or me or our relationship.

im so so soo sad and depressed. he has been my best friend for a year and a half. we've grown so much together. i thought he was going to be my last first kiss.

i don't want to live my life without him.
but i know that i can if i must.
i don't think reality has set in for me.  i have far to much to do to be a basket case and drop off the grid.
im going to go to the temple.
im going to pray for strength and help
because honestly, i know i cant do this on my own.