faith

i kissed my man last night and it felt like the first time.
does that ever happen to you?
i loved it and wanted to memorize it.
maybe it was because that kiss held a deeper meaning than usual.
either way, it was the best.
we both smiled from ear to ear.

i felt incredibly peaceful yesterday, didn't cry at all.
before group, p. asked me to go shooting as our last hoorah in case we broke up.
i found this humorous but went along.  i kept my distance and used that time to pray again and confirm what i've been feeling.

p. and i realized, written on my boundaries that i printed out, i stated that they were to begin to be implemented the monday after we got back from vacation.  that would mean, he has until this upcoming monday to pull his part, as i pull mine.  i wrote it, i knew i needed to agree to that.  so he has until monday.  and the dates dont really matter.

i realized yesterday, my boundaries werent made for me to control him or punish him.  they werent made for me to keep track of everything he does when. they werent made for me to force him into recovery.  they were made to protect me and provide a healthy environment for me and our relationship. and i know my boundaries do just that.
i realized something huge! my natural tendency is to protect him, to micromanage, to LEAD (its my personality!) and my boundaries protect me from doing that.  they protect me from myself! by him doing particularly the 5 things i asked of him (meet with bishop, honest with me, have a sponsor, have a therapist, and go to group) im giving my control over to them.  i know, in their hands-through the Lord, p. will be guided correctly, and I DONT HAVE TO WORRY.  knowing that he is meeting with all those people every week takes a huge burden off me, and i know he can truly work recovery then.

we had a wonderful talk last night.
i let him talk first.  he was sweet as pie of course.
i loved hearing him share what he learned at group and what he learned about himself.
he is such a smart man.  and heavenly father really inspires him when he is humble.
i then asked him what he has been doing.  he shared that he has already started and done everything he could so far (his bishop hasnt called him back to meet or to make the counseling appt) to fulfill the boundaries.  he spoke to a missionary in group about sponsors and who could be one, he got names and is going to pray and ask one of them next wednesday night, he is going to group regularly, he has told the bishop he wants to meet biweekly and needs to have him call to set up his therapy, and he has apologized for his last bout of dishonesty and is committed to being honest now.
i can't really ask for more at this point.
so i asked  ok, what is your plan or goals?
he listed his goals for everyday:  daily planning, scriptures, doing one action step a day, writing, listening to a conference talk once a day, contact with sponsor
every week: going to the temple and just sitting outside for 30 minutes once a week, counselor, bishop, sponsor, group
by June 21 (first day of summer): have a temple recommend so he can go through with his brother when he comes home from his mission, have enough money saved so he can buy an engagement ring
future: attending the temple weekly, be sealed in the temple (to me!), be a facilitator at ARP meetings

i guess i can't say he isn't trying.
i shared testimony to him about how the Saviors Atonement has been carrying me through and that im OK.  i shared that i will walk away from this relationship if Heavenly Father tells me to, and I will walk away if we do not live within my boundaries.  He bore testimony of the boundaries, he said they are scripture, my personal revelation and they are true and powerful.  and i know its true.  he agreed and said he will always support them.  he said those boundaries kind of make him feel uncomfortable and restrictive but he knows they are for my and his benefit, and he believes in them and will do them.  good man.

by the end of the conversation, i was feeling the Spirit very peacefully.
i told him monday we will reassess where were at and move forward.
i thanked him for not giving up.
i know that i can leave him now if i had to. i know that God will guide me with just enough light to see only my next step. and i will keep walking by faith.

nightmares.

i wish this blog was more cheerful like the title implies.
i had nightmares and woke up curled in a ball crying.
we were on vacation and he was cheating on me with my sister.
and they were both smiling and happy.
i wanted to throw up and die.
haha.

then (i watched the office before i fell asleep) we were working together and pornographic sites kept printing off the printer when i asked him to print a work document.
everyone was crowding around me.  giving me dirty looks.
i made some excuse for him.
my heart raced and i woke up crying again.

i said 3 prayers and fell back asleep.
i had a nightmare i found pornography on his phone—he has promised he has never used his phone..
when i asked him, he just smiled and shrugged.



my pillow was soaked and i desperately did not want to come to work.
but here i am.
i forced myself to smile at myself in the mirror.
and i prayed.
and i said, "Heavenly Father, let it pass from me."






"i will not go down with you, p.  love ya, but i am going to choose the Savior.
i can do it.
i have done hard things.
and i will do something great with today."

amen

checking in.

i feel that i have always been a pretty introspective person.  very aware of myself.
but i find myself "checking in", thinking about how i am doing, more often.
several times throughout the day.  evaluating my feelings and thoughts.
i think this is a good thing for me.

once, after i had first joined the church, i asked my bishop, "during my investigation of the church, i felt such a 'high', and then there are these lows of spiritual dullness.. how you prevent the roller coaster and just keep it pretty high medium level of spirituality?"

he left me with one of those kinds of answers that really just mean, you need to learn and find this life lesson out on your own.

so YEARS later.  i sat in a sacrament meeting, and heard the Spirit say:  repent quickly and continuously.

the quicker we repent, and acknowledge bad behavior/bad thoughts and quickly grab back on the iron rod, the less chance we have to fall deeply.  it is like never letting yourself go out of grasp of the iron rod. even though satan will do all he can to prevent us from grabbing right back on to that rod, we must—no matter how difficult it is, no matter how menial the sin may seem.
this is why we are commanded to pray daily, to repent in prayer daily.
this is why we NEED the sacrament every week.

i have committed to myself that i will work on this.  repenting quickly and as often (even hour by hour) if i must.




i have been doing really really good lately.
i feel a huge change in the past two weeks or so.
i have not been freaking out or crying at all.
i have not let p.'s irritability or anger affect me.
and this is HUGE for me.

i really have had an epiphany.  so much so that i couldn't sleep last night, i kept thinking about it—not wanting to forget it.
I can not let my self worth be determined by anything that changes.  for a very very long time i have unconsciously been finding my self worth in: the attention or love of the people around me, the boyfriends i have had, how great/terrible my abs look, whether there are pimples on my face or not, the type of shoes i wore to school, whether i was tan or not, whether i had a good haircut or not, how well i played soccer that day, how many things i could check off my to do list, how clean my house was, the fanciness (or lack of) of my car, what people thought of me, what i thought people would/were saying of me, how much i worked out that day, how good/bad my diet was that day, my past mistakes, etc.