my choice.

read today:

We are not victims of our circumstances. We are victims of our choices.

catch me in a rough mood like i was this morning and my pride would fight to the death on this inspired quote.  

i could easily fight that his addiction is NOT my choice.

and this would be true. 

but it is completely apparent and clear to me that i have the choice on how to respond to the stimulus.  his stimulus is x,y, and z that lead to viewing pornography.  my stimulus is his actions and treatment toward me.  and i can choose what that leads to!

sometimes i think there is a fine line drawn when someone says, 'its natural to feel that way d.! you're suppose to feel that way!'  and for a long time, i ran with that.  "this is what I DESERVE!" kind of attitude.  and that ended well right? it got me divorced.   

in the past couple of years i have been an advocate of 'feel what YOU FEEL' let yourself mourn, let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel.  then move forward.  dont force yourself to smile and be fine when you're not.

and i have to be honest.  i feel like that kind of mind frame, to a degree, is just a justification.  

does God get super angry and fume when we mess up, then come to us after he has cooled down and act calmly?

He chooses to be serene and divine and forgiving always.  right away too.

how perfect he is!

what a beautiful example to us!

i have come to find a happy medium between recognizing what i feel and IF I WANT TO FEEL that way, or whether it will only be destructive to me.  if i can answer that it will only make me continue in depression and moping around, if it will affect my attitude toward others, if it will diminish the Spirit from my life——then i must choose other forms of coping and control those feelings.

just because the world says its ok for me to be angry.

doesn't make it ok for me to be angry.

it is in no way healthy or productive for me or my man to be angry.

it is really really hard to control these feelings.  these reactions.

it is very hard to be in control when everything says to be out of control (except for God! which is why we must to choose to be Christlike in our thoughts, actions, and words).

it is very hard to love and be kind and forgive someone that unintentionally hurts you deeply every week.

and that is why we are here on earth.

i am blessed. 

i am thankful for good people in my path to help me.

for the gospel of Jesus Christ.

for others that are willing to share their recovery and give me hope.

for a man that is honest and apologizes and tells me he loves me.

for temples to seal us to one another.

for families to laugh with and enjoy life with.

for the Holy Ghost to fill us with love.

i pray that if you are reading this, you will feel the love of Jesus Christ hold you.

slump.

its only half way through my day.  and im surprised by the time.
it feels like i've been up for well over 20 hours.
i tried my tricks, my methods, like the ones i spelled out in this post
but they weren't working today.
i felt like sitting in my slump.
like darkness surrounded me and choked me just as much as my man feels choked by this addiction.

so when i realized that my prayers (probably the whiny 'i know i need to pray, but i dont feel like it' kind of prayers) weren't boosting my mood.
i decided i needed help.  it was 8 am.
and i texted a few people that i could.  people that already know about what i am dealing with.
i was reaching out for help. for someone to help me think how im suppose to be thinking.
for a quote or a scripture to give me an eternal perspective.
to feel  hope.

so i read a scripture, read the texts from people who selflessly serve me, prayed some more, read some recovery blogs, and WENT TO THE GYM!

i am a personal trainer, so i could go on for days about the benefits of exercise.
but the most important, for me, is the release.
the feeling of overcoming something today.

and i've felt much better after that.
p. sent me some comforting words, letting me know he is here for me too.
and i will be ok today.

i am learning patience. to not jump to terrible reactions.
to be in control of myself and my feelings.
it is so very hard.
but it is part of becoming like God.

lets go team d! gunna nail some job interviews tonight!

numb

My pillow case is soaked.
I woke up to texts from him.
Another slip.
And im trying with all my might to have the Spirit with me.
And to somehow submit cheerfully and patiently.
But i just hurt.
I feel like i just want to escape.
I dont want to get out of bed or go to work. I dont want to pretend im fine. I dont want to go to my job interviews today and fake confidence.
I just hurt.
And i wonder if i can really do this.
If maybe im not strong enough to be the woman he needs me to be.
Will he ever be temple worthy?
Will it be years until this is controlled?
My heart just aches and it takes all of my might to pray to not be disgusted and take offense.

Satan, im going to overcome you again today.

as sweet as the angel sings

today i heard, but again, this poem.  and although it is popular and ive heard it (and love it) many times.  today, it held a special meaning for me.

The Touch of the Master's Hand

'Twas battered and scarred, 

And the auctioneer thought it 

hardly worth his while 

To waste his time on the old violin, 

but he held it up with a smile.

"What am I bid, good people", he cried, 

"Who starts the bidding for me?" 

"One dollar, one dollar, Do I hear two?" 

"Two dollars, who makes it three?" 

"Three dollars once, three dollars twice, going for three,"

But, No, 

From the room far back a gray bearded man 

Came forward and picked up the bow, 

Then wiping the dust from the old violin 

And tightening up the strings, 

He played a melody, pure and sweet 

As sweet as the angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer 

With a voice that was quiet and low, 

Said "What now am I bid for this old violin?" 

As he held it aloft with its' bow.

"One thousand, one thousand, Do I hear two?" 

"Two thousand, Who makes it three?" 

"Three thousand once, three thousand twice, 

Going and gone", said he.

The audience cheered, 

But some of them cried, 

"We just don't understand." 

"What changed its' worth?" 

Swift came the reply. 

"The Touch of the Masters Hand."

And many a man with life out of tune 

All battered with bourbon and gin 

Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd 

Much like that old violin

A mess of pottage, a glass of wine, 

A game and he travels on. 

He is going once, he is going twice, 

He is going and almost gone.

But the Master comes, 

And the foolish crowd never can quite understand, 

The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought 

By the Touch of the Masters' Hand.

Myra Brooks Welch

And I thought of my man.  i thought of his slip, and another slip, and i worry if he is going, going, gone. my poor man bruised and battered, and his self worth shot to the ground.
and i thought of myself.  the mess i feel like.  how little and insignificant i am. how much i struggle.  i think of my past sins that have haunted me.  how boy after boy dump me for the mistake i made.  how i felt like no man of God could possibly love me.  and my self worth—shot to the ground.

and i am reminded, in this sweet poem, that God does indeed know ME.
and he loves me wholly and completely even if I am a mess.
and he has glory reserved for ME.
and that He is the Master that is molding me and refining me through these trials.

i have chosen to exercise, to actually use, the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I felt that i had to.  i couldnt see any clear option but that.  but the reality is there are many other options.  other worldly options i could have pursued to cope with my heartache.  but i choose God.
something unchanging.
something that is TRUE and good.
something that has the power to clean me.
something that has the power to literally change me and strengthen me beyond myself.

as i have reflected on this poem, i thought about how the atonement is changing both p. and i in very personal ways.  at the root of our very beings.
and i feel so much closer to p. for this experience.  i feel us growing together.

there have been very sacred and special experiences for me in the temple as i have begun my recovery.
there was a day that i performed sealings with some strangers.
i envisioned p. and i at the alter.
i wondered to God if that scene would ever come to life.
i wondered if i was meant to be his wife.
i imagined our hands clasped at that alter.

and a powerful feeling overcame my heart and mind.  my soul. my body and my spirit.
the question came, why do you hold his hand?

and tears flowed freely down my face.
and my heart burned.  and love covered me.
i knew that Jesus Christ would be binding two imperfect people to one another.
that he and i would be connected and perfected because of Jesus Christ.

never before have i been taught this.
i knew in that moment, that if p. and i chose to be sealed for eternity—we would need, we MUST, be bound together through Jesus Christ.  that we each must individually keep our relationship with God strong.  that we must repent quickly, and always be turned toward him.  that, THAT is how we could be successful and happy together even though we both have our flaws and problems.

and my heart just melted in the temple that day.
that room wasn't big enough to fill with the love that i felt.
p. does not even know about this experience.
i tried, over a fancy dinner, to tell him about it once.
but i choked on my words and i cried. and i found myself not saying it.
perhaps, it was not time.


this poem reminded me that p. is a man of amazing worth.
and he has the potential to be even more amazing as God molds him throughout his life.
i know that the men that are addicted to pornography are not disgusting.
they are not bad men.
they are not dirty.
they are not evil.
they are children of God.
they are desperately needed by God to be priesthood leaders in this world.
they are victim of a disease of the mind and body.
and they need to feel loved.  and they need to feel our testimonies of hope.
they need to feel of their worth again.

part of the 12 steps is to to admit that you, as a loved one of the addicted, can not do the recovery for them, nor force them to do it either.   but one of the greatest things i think we can do is help them to feel of their worth again.  they do not need to be yelled at or made to feel ashamed.  they do not need to be told its wrong.  they do not even need to be forced to understand that they are hurting us.  they need to be loved.  this is the best thing i think we could do.  and it is my goal.  and you think it would be easy.
but it painfully, is not.  but im going to keep on trying.

'...be of good cheer, he will lead you along.'

this past week was not easy, and that helped me grow further.

last week i was beginning to get concerned that p. and i were shoving this addiction under the rug.  although nothing was really going wrong in our relationship, we were not talking about it at all.

i strongly feel, and especially after reading From Heartache to Healing and going through the steps, that part of satans tactics are 1. to have us forget who we are, our spiritual experiences, and our heavenly father 2. to lie to us 3. to encourage secrecy.  I have been working to overcome satan in the first two lines of defense, but im trying now to really understand and address the ways that he wants me to keep my feelings secret, the things i do, and the reality of this addiction in our lives secret.  

i am often afraid to bring up the addiction to p., he sometimes gets very irritable as soon as i bring it up.  the air changes. there is immediate tension.  and i start walking on eggshells, dancing around with carefully chosen words.   i never bring it up with the intention of attacking, being mean or angry, or to put blame on him.  i bring it up to keep it open.  to communicate about how we are both doing, how we are both feeling.  it has the potential to create a bond between us and a great sense of trust.  

last week i was concerned because we hadn't talked about the addiction at all in 2 weeks.  previously, i had requested that if he has a 'slip', that he come to me and tell me.  (heaven knows i do not want to have to ask everyday and constantly wonder.) so, knowing that he is not at a point yet where he can go 2 weeks without it, i began to wonder why our communication was stuck.   so i chose to simply talk about these feelings and that i want to have open communication.  i have learned that when you keep secrets, they become much scarier of a monster than if you call them out and address them regularly.  ive also learned that healing and growth can not happen if you still keep your addiction a secret.

the difference between a 'slip' into your addictive (or bad/sad/victim behavior —enter in what you wish)  behavior and a relapse is that a slip is performing the addictive action, then quickly repenting and recommitting to your recovery.  a relapse is performing the addictive action and keeping it secret, and staying in that addictive mind frame without repentance.  i have come to a realization that part of his and MY repentance is to confess to each other.  to have it be open.  to say sorry i hurt you again, but i am going to try again.  

well, my talk didn't go so well.  he grew angry at me for talking about it on our drive home from our valentines dinner.  i guess i was ruining the night by talking about it.  it became a pretty serious fight that lasted into the next two days.  although i was feeling a bit frustrated by his reaction and i was unhappy with the way he treated me, i chose to focus on the FACT that his addiction is the cause of his irrational behavior most of the time.  his addiction makes him feel angry from the guilt and defensive and sarcastic and selfish and irritable.  to be able to remind myself that it is not HIM.  it is not a true reflection of how he feels about me.  it isnt how he normally is.  its like a heavy magic spell that satan casts upon him.  and has for years.  it breaks my heart for him.  

so i actually felt peace with myself for standing up and requesting something that is righteous, that we need, and that i need to be happy and healthy.  i need that open communication.  i felt Heavenly Fathers love for me and his presence.  i knew that no matter what decision p. makes or what he does or doesnt do, that i was doing the right things for me.  and i as happy about that.  eventually, we overcame that argument and p. took my request to heart.  he told me of a slip he had that day and two weeks previous.  and i told him about how i was feeling about coping with it.  and it was good.  and we moved on to a really good week.

the beginning of this week was great for us.  we had a lot of fun together and were both reading and writing for our ARP (addictions recovery program).  then wednesday.  i was sitting on a bike in the gym reading ARP actually.  and a text came through.  he told me of a slip.  he told me of how upset he was.  he told me of how he has hope that he can overcome it. he told me he loved me.  he apologized.  and it was a very sweet and humble message.

and a flood of emotions overcame me.  

i am beginning to acknowledge and notice my feelings and thoughts more.  there is a cycle here.

immediately, i feel heartache and despair. like "will he ever over come it? how did he let satan win ?! how long should i wait?  i don't have the strength to do this." i sometimes think an angry thought, not toward him, but toward the addiction.  like how mad i am that pornography even exists or that satan exists or towards the people in the videos.  this phase use to last much longer than it does now.  on wednesday it lasted maybe 5 seconds.  this is 100% satan. and recognizing those thoughts as him, help me to get rid of them quickly.  this is all negativity that satan wants me to feel.  in the past these feelings and thoughts have destroyed me.  they use to be much worse thoughts and much more destructive.  they destroyed my first marriage.  they destroyed my self esteem.  

my next feeling is to tell myself my mantra "its ok.  be Christ-like".  

i remind myself i love this man and he is suffering.  i remind myself that he is working really hard. that he is a son of God, a priesthood holder, and a victim to a very physical and spiritual disease.  i remind myself that he did not do this to hurt me or because of anything i did or didn't do.  i remind myself of how Christ would handle this situation, he would love-he would be patient-he would not anger-he would be compassionate-he would not take personal offense- he would carry that person. i literally tell myself that i am powerful.

next i pray.  i immediately pray for satan to be cast out of my thoughts and feelings.  i pray for Heavenly Father to heal my ache, to have the Spirit with me, to inspire me in how to react, what to say and what to do.  i pray for strength because i know i can not healthily bare it on my own.  i pray for p. that he may not slip into despair and depression. i pray that i may have an eternal perspective and that i may find happiness in this. 

Fourth, i respond to the text (or him in person!).  my responses vary, of course.  wednesday i chose a different route.  i was really conscious of myself that day.  i have been working really hard on my own recovery, on how to respond and handle him, and how to control myself.  so i really wanted to break some bad habits.  wednesday, when formulating my response, i had the thought of simply just writing, "i love you. its ok." but then i thought, "no way! im sitting on a bike in public with tears in my eyes. i want to scream and roll on the floor and yell at him.  and somehow show him how much i hurt! he deserves to see how much he is hurting other people.  he needs to know that what he is doing messes me up!"  again, thoughts of the natural man! thoughts satan is encouraging.  satan is cheering in the background at this point.  'yes, d!  start a fight! make him feel worse about himself!  you deserve that! its the only way he'll get better is if you control him!'  so i took a deep breath and said yet another prayer and went with what i felt that I needed to say for me and what I felt like i needed to say for him and what i felt Heavenly Father wanted me to say, " Thank you for trying.  And thank you for telling me.  I love you p. i'm sorry this is hard.  You're a great man.  and you're strong.  I love the scripture (d&c78:17-19) bro bott shared with us about how we dont know all things or have the ability to do all things, but in Him we can.  And we should do so cheerfully.  I am trying to be cheerful.  and i know as you submit yourself to him, really truly and fully, he will give you the power beyond your own.  I dont have to tell you what steps you need to take, i know you know what things you must do.  and i trust you.   you really are improving and growing.  relapses arent what gauges your recovery solely.  where your heart is at does.  and so long as your heart is in alignment with God and seeking to improve, thats all we can ask for right now."  

whew.

and i left it at that.  i went on with my workout and finished work for the day.  i never broke down and wailed.  i never felt like the world was going to end.  i never felt like i wanted to leave him.  i had a great rest of the day.  (in the past this has been drawn out into a day spent in bed crying and mulling over the details.  a day satan proudly won.)  but not this week! i was glad to express love.  to bear testimony. and to feel hope.  heaven help me to respond this way every time!   

p. expressed later that evening through tears that my response made a HUGE impact on changing his perspective, motivating him to keep going, and bringing the Spirit to him.  he expressed a lot of love and appreciation for me that night.  

and i think, this is what its all about.

its not about how many times we fall down.

its about how we respond and how quickly we can get ourselves back up.

Heavenly Father has blessed me sooo very much beyond my own wisdom, strength, and power.  

i am who i am because of my God.

i am so so so blessed and so very grateful for this life, even for my trials.
and i really, truly felt testimony this week that God has divine blessings in store for me and for us. there is a kingdom prepared for ME.  that this life is only but a small moment in the span of eternity.  and i do not know much here (even when i think i do!), and i am sorely imperfect and weak.  but it will not be so after this mortal life.  and THAT is what i live for.  

"…and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you."

typical.

i wish to create this blog so i can have a place to document my journey.

i wish to unload. and give my pain away. and be able to look back one day on my progress.

i wish to do this mostly for myself, but i am not shy about others reading about this life of mine.

i share in hopes of helping at least one other person be enlightened.

i dont have the energy today to write my whole story. maybe another day.

as i was just building this blog, one of the gadgets (the lil tabs on the right hand side of this blog) was some ads. within the top 30 "gadgets" available, a gadget for pornography was listed.

amazing.

right there.

so popular.

so easy.

tears well up and my heart burns.

and my heart is heavy.

today has been a rough day.

but i am glad to begin this blog so i can keep track of my inspirations on this road to recovery.

i wish to remain anonymous, not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of this trial in my life, but because i wish to not disclose my ex-husbands or boyfriend's identity.  

this blog is not a place for me to bash on my man or demean him.

i wish to be real and not hold back.  

i wish to disclose my good days and bad days.

i have been at this recovery for only 2 months now, and i have already learned so much.

this is a place for healing and growth.

a place where i can get my story out.


d.