'...be of good cheer, he will lead you along.'

this past week was not easy, and that helped me grow further.

last week i was beginning to get concerned that p. and i were shoving this addiction under the rug.  although nothing was really going wrong in our relationship, we were not talking about it at all.

i strongly feel, and especially after reading From Heartache to Healing and going through the steps, that part of satans tactics are 1. to have us forget who we are, our spiritual experiences, and our heavenly father 2. to lie to us 3. to encourage secrecy.  I have been working to overcome satan in the first two lines of defense, but im trying now to really understand and address the ways that he wants me to keep my feelings secret, the things i do, and the reality of this addiction in our lives secret.  

i am often afraid to bring up the addiction to p., he sometimes gets very irritable as soon as i bring it up.  the air changes. there is immediate tension.  and i start walking on eggshells, dancing around with carefully chosen words.   i never bring it up with the intention of attacking, being mean or angry, or to put blame on him.  i bring it up to keep it open.  to communicate about how we are both doing, how we are both feeling.  it has the potential to create a bond between us and a great sense of trust.  

last week i was concerned because we hadn't talked about the addiction at all in 2 weeks.  previously, i had requested that if he has a 'slip', that he come to me and tell me.  (heaven knows i do not want to have to ask everyday and constantly wonder.) so, knowing that he is not at a point yet where he can go 2 weeks without it, i began to wonder why our communication was stuck.   so i chose to simply talk about these feelings and that i want to have open communication.  i have learned that when you keep secrets, they become much scarier of a monster than if you call them out and address them regularly.  ive also learned that healing and growth can not happen if you still keep your addiction a secret.

the difference between a 'slip' into your addictive (or bad/sad/victim behavior —enter in what you wish)  behavior and a relapse is that a slip is performing the addictive action, then quickly repenting and recommitting to your recovery.  a relapse is performing the addictive action and keeping it secret, and staying in that addictive mind frame without repentance.  i have come to a realization that part of his and MY repentance is to confess to each other.  to have it be open.  to say sorry i hurt you again, but i am going to try again.  

well, my talk didn't go so well.  he grew angry at me for talking about it on our drive home from our valentines dinner.  i guess i was ruining the night by talking about it.  it became a pretty serious fight that lasted into the next two days.  although i was feeling a bit frustrated by his reaction and i was unhappy with the way he treated me, i chose to focus on the FACT that his addiction is the cause of his irrational behavior most of the time.  his addiction makes him feel angry from the guilt and defensive and sarcastic and selfish and irritable.  to be able to remind myself that it is not HIM.  it is not a true reflection of how he feels about me.  it isnt how he normally is.  its like a heavy magic spell that satan casts upon him.  and has for years.  it breaks my heart for him.  

so i actually felt peace with myself for standing up and requesting something that is righteous, that we need, and that i need to be happy and healthy.  i need that open communication.  i felt Heavenly Fathers love for me and his presence.  i knew that no matter what decision p. makes or what he does or doesnt do, that i was doing the right things for me.  and i as happy about that.  eventually, we overcame that argument and p. took my request to heart.  he told me of a slip he had that day and two weeks previous.  and i told him about how i was feeling about coping with it.  and it was good.  and we moved on to a really good week.

the beginning of this week was great for us.  we had a lot of fun together and were both reading and writing for our ARP (addictions recovery program).  then wednesday.  i was sitting on a bike in the gym reading ARP actually.  and a text came through.  he told me of a slip.  he told me of how upset he was.  he told me of how he has hope that he can overcome it. he told me he loved me.  he apologized.  and it was a very sweet and humble message.

and a flood of emotions overcame me.  

i am beginning to acknowledge and notice my feelings and thoughts more.  there is a cycle here.

immediately, i feel heartache and despair. like "will he ever over come it? how did he let satan win ?! how long should i wait?  i don't have the strength to do this." i sometimes think an angry thought, not toward him, but toward the addiction.  like how mad i am that pornography even exists or that satan exists or towards the people in the videos.  this phase use to last much longer than it does now.  on wednesday it lasted maybe 5 seconds.  this is 100% satan. and recognizing those thoughts as him, help me to get rid of them quickly.  this is all negativity that satan wants me to feel.  in the past these feelings and thoughts have destroyed me.  they use to be much worse thoughts and much more destructive.  they destroyed my first marriage.  they destroyed my self esteem.  

my next feeling is to tell myself my mantra "its ok.  be Christ-like".  

i remind myself i love this man and he is suffering.  i remind myself that he is working really hard. that he is a son of God, a priesthood holder, and a victim to a very physical and spiritual disease.  i remind myself that he did not do this to hurt me or because of anything i did or didn't do.  i remind myself of how Christ would handle this situation, he would love-he would be patient-he would not anger-he would be compassionate-he would not take personal offense- he would carry that person. i literally tell myself that i am powerful.

next i pray.  i immediately pray for satan to be cast out of my thoughts and feelings.  i pray for Heavenly Father to heal my ache, to have the Spirit with me, to inspire me in how to react, what to say and what to do.  i pray for strength because i know i can not healthily bare it on my own.  i pray for p. that he may not slip into despair and depression. i pray that i may have an eternal perspective and that i may find happiness in this. 

Fourth, i respond to the text (or him in person!).  my responses vary, of course.  wednesday i chose a different route.  i was really conscious of myself that day.  i have been working really hard on my own recovery, on how to respond and handle him, and how to control myself.  so i really wanted to break some bad habits.  wednesday, when formulating my response, i had the thought of simply just writing, "i love you. its ok." but then i thought, "no way! im sitting on a bike in public with tears in my eyes. i want to scream and roll on the floor and yell at him.  and somehow show him how much i hurt! he deserves to see how much he is hurting other people.  he needs to know that what he is doing messes me up!"  again, thoughts of the natural man! thoughts satan is encouraging.  satan is cheering in the background at this point.  'yes, d!  start a fight! make him feel worse about himself!  you deserve that! its the only way he'll get better is if you control him!'  so i took a deep breath and said yet another prayer and went with what i felt that I needed to say for me and what I felt like i needed to say for him and what i felt Heavenly Father wanted me to say, " Thank you for trying.  And thank you for telling me.  I love you p. i'm sorry this is hard.  You're a great man.  and you're strong.  I love the scripture (d&c78:17-19) bro bott shared with us about how we dont know all things or have the ability to do all things, but in Him we can.  And we should do so cheerfully.  I am trying to be cheerful.  and i know as you submit yourself to him, really truly and fully, he will give you the power beyond your own.  I dont have to tell you what steps you need to take, i know you know what things you must do.  and i trust you.   you really are improving and growing.  relapses arent what gauges your recovery solely.  where your heart is at does.  and so long as your heart is in alignment with God and seeking to improve, thats all we can ask for right now."  

whew.

and i left it at that.  i went on with my workout and finished work for the day.  i never broke down and wailed.  i never felt like the world was going to end.  i never felt like i wanted to leave him.  i had a great rest of the day.  (in the past this has been drawn out into a day spent in bed crying and mulling over the details.  a day satan proudly won.)  but not this week! i was glad to express love.  to bear testimony. and to feel hope.  heaven help me to respond this way every time!   

p. expressed later that evening through tears that my response made a HUGE impact on changing his perspective, motivating him to keep going, and bringing the Spirit to him.  he expressed a lot of love and appreciation for me that night.  

and i think, this is what its all about.

its not about how many times we fall down.

its about how we respond and how quickly we can get ourselves back up.

Heavenly Father has blessed me sooo very much beyond my own wisdom, strength, and power.  

i am who i am because of my God.

i am so so so blessed and so very grateful for this life, even for my trials.
and i really, truly felt testimony this week that God has divine blessings in store for me and for us. there is a kingdom prepared for ME.  that this life is only but a small moment in the span of eternity.  and i do not know much here (even when i think i do!), and i am sorely imperfect and weak.  but it will not be so after this mortal life.  and THAT is what i live for.  

"…and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you."