my choice.

read today:

We are not victims of our circumstances. We are victims of our choices.

catch me in a rough mood like i was this morning and my pride would fight to the death on this inspired quote.  

i could easily fight that his addiction is NOT my choice.

and this would be true. 

but it is completely apparent and clear to me that i have the choice on how to respond to the stimulus.  his stimulus is x,y, and z that lead to viewing pornography.  my stimulus is his actions and treatment toward me.  and i can choose what that leads to!

sometimes i think there is a fine line drawn when someone says, 'its natural to feel that way d.! you're suppose to feel that way!'  and for a long time, i ran with that.  "this is what I DESERVE!" kind of attitude.  and that ended well right? it got me divorced.   

in the past couple of years i have been an advocate of 'feel what YOU FEEL' let yourself mourn, let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel.  then move forward.  dont force yourself to smile and be fine when you're not.

and i have to be honest.  i feel like that kind of mind frame, to a degree, is just a justification.  

does God get super angry and fume when we mess up, then come to us after he has cooled down and act calmly?

He chooses to be serene and divine and forgiving always.  right away too.

how perfect he is!

what a beautiful example to us!

i have come to find a happy medium between recognizing what i feel and IF I WANT TO FEEL that way, or whether it will only be destructive to me.  if i can answer that it will only make me continue in depression and moping around, if it will affect my attitude toward others, if it will diminish the Spirit from my life——then i must choose other forms of coping and control those feelings.

just because the world says its ok for me to be angry.

doesn't make it ok for me to be angry.

it is in no way healthy or productive for me or my man to be angry.

it is really really hard to control these feelings.  these reactions.

it is very hard to be in control when everything says to be out of control (except for God! which is why we must to choose to be Christlike in our thoughts, actions, and words).

it is very hard to love and be kind and forgive someone that unintentionally hurts you deeply every week.

and that is why we are here on earth.

i am blessed. 

i am thankful for good people in my path to help me.

for the gospel of Jesus Christ.

for others that are willing to share their recovery and give me hope.

for a man that is honest and apologizes and tells me he loves me.

for temples to seal us to one another.

for families to laugh with and enjoy life with.

for the Holy Ghost to fill us with love.

i pray that if you are reading this, you will feel the love of Jesus Christ hold you.