updated boundaries

a couple months ago, i prayerfully and fasting fully, created some boundaries for myself particularly concerning the relationship i was in.

i believe that those boundaries need to be revised.  i had the impression the other day that i need to sit down and reconsider what my boundaries need to be as i date again.

i feel like things are very different this time around.  i've learned new things since being with p. and i have grown a lot.  i think i will have a much different approach to dating now and definitely a different mind frame.

i want to date again in the healthiest way possible.
i want to do it right.
i want to find an exceptional man that will push me to be better everyday, that will walk by my side always and will help me bring our family to the celestial kingdom.
i need to be dating the best of men
to marry the best one.

so heres a rough draft….

Boundaries:

I will:
-work full time until i have babies
-consistently budget to contribute to getting out of debt
-prayerfully seek to fulfill and magnify my calling
-try to express love to as many people as possible, as often as possible
-attend the temple weekly
-do something i love every day.
-pray when i feel sad.
-cook more at home, and eat out less than 3 x wk
-get 8 hrs of sleep every night
-try to improve my weaknesses
-read my patriarchal blessing at least once a month
-run 13.1 miles in august
-try to fulfill my mission statement (overcome the natural man. create synergy. inspire belief.)
-put my garments on asap after workouts
-give out a book of mormon to someone this summer
-try to make more friends
-read the scriptures and STUDY them daily
-be open about sharing my testimony and the gospel with others
-say yes to first dates
-call my grammie at least on sundays
-only pursue second dates with men that could possibly fall under my top 5 non negotiables (love for God and sharing the gospel, wants a family and children in the near future, strong communicator, no temper, respectful-to me, to other women, to the waiter, to everyone)
-bear testimony of and be open about the 12 step program of the church in hopes to help someone
-strive to be compassionate. forgiving. and non judgmental.
-stand up for myself, for the innocent, and for womanhood
-be better than OK

I will not:
-watch rated R movies
-spend the night with boys
-let myself sit in self pity
-stop running
-make excuses not to go to ward events, dates, dancing, etc
-date men that aren't living a lifestyle worthy to be in the temple
-let satan win
-allow others to manipulate me
-stop living the gospel and commandments ever
-speak poorly about p. to others
-stay in a relationship where i am cussed at, yelled at, or abused physically or emotionally.
-settle
-stop pursuing who i want to become
-try to finish peoples sentences
-marry someone that isnt spiritually at a similar or better spot than i am
-marry someone that doesnt understand the law of chastity
-stay in relationships with men that can't open the door or openly talk
-stop doing the things i love for a boy
-allow anyone to disrespect me by not honoring my boundaries
-give up. on myself. my dreams. on God.

faith

i kissed my man last night and it felt like the first time.
does that ever happen to you?
i loved it and wanted to memorize it.
maybe it was because that kiss held a deeper meaning than usual.
either way, it was the best.
we both smiled from ear to ear.

i felt incredibly peaceful yesterday, didn't cry at all.
before group, p. asked me to go shooting as our last hoorah in case we broke up.
i found this humorous but went along.  i kept my distance and used that time to pray again and confirm what i've been feeling.

p. and i realized, written on my boundaries that i printed out, i stated that they were to begin to be implemented the monday after we got back from vacation.  that would mean, he has until this upcoming monday to pull his part, as i pull mine.  i wrote it, i knew i needed to agree to that.  so he has until monday.  and the dates dont really matter.

i realized yesterday, my boundaries werent made for me to control him or punish him.  they werent made for me to keep track of everything he does when. they werent made for me to force him into recovery.  they were made to protect me and provide a healthy environment for me and our relationship. and i know my boundaries do just that.
i realized something huge! my natural tendency is to protect him, to micromanage, to LEAD (its my personality!) and my boundaries protect me from doing that.  they protect me from myself! by him doing particularly the 5 things i asked of him (meet with bishop, honest with me, have a sponsor, have a therapist, and go to group) im giving my control over to them.  i know, in their hands-through the Lord, p. will be guided correctly, and I DONT HAVE TO WORRY.  knowing that he is meeting with all those people every week takes a huge burden off me, and i know he can truly work recovery then.

we had a wonderful talk last night.
i let him talk first.  he was sweet as pie of course.
i loved hearing him share what he learned at group and what he learned about himself.
he is such a smart man.  and heavenly father really inspires him when he is humble.
i then asked him what he has been doing.  he shared that he has already started and done everything he could so far (his bishop hasnt called him back to meet or to make the counseling appt) to fulfill the boundaries.  he spoke to a missionary in group about sponsors and who could be one, he got names and is going to pray and ask one of them next wednesday night, he is going to group regularly, he has told the bishop he wants to meet biweekly and needs to have him call to set up his therapy, and he has apologized for his last bout of dishonesty and is committed to being honest now.
i can't really ask for more at this point.
so i asked  ok, what is your plan or goals?
he listed his goals for everyday:  daily planning, scriptures, doing one action step a day, writing, listening to a conference talk once a day, contact with sponsor
every week: going to the temple and just sitting outside for 30 minutes once a week, counselor, bishop, sponsor, group
by June 21 (first day of summer): have a temple recommend so he can go through with his brother when he comes home from his mission, have enough money saved so he can buy an engagement ring
future: attending the temple weekly, be sealed in the temple (to me!), be a facilitator at ARP meetings

i guess i can't say he isn't trying.
i shared testimony to him about how the Saviors Atonement has been carrying me through and that im OK.  i shared that i will walk away from this relationship if Heavenly Father tells me to, and I will walk away if we do not live within my boundaries.  He bore testimony of the boundaries, he said they are scripture, my personal revelation and they are true and powerful.  and i know its true.  he agreed and said he will always support them.  he said those boundaries kind of make him feel uncomfortable and restrictive but he knows they are for my and his benefit, and he believes in them and will do them.  good man.

by the end of the conversation, i was feeling the Spirit very peacefully.
i told him monday we will reassess where were at and move forward.
i thanked him for not giving up.
i know that i can leave him now if i had to. i know that God will guide me with just enough light to see only my next step. and i will keep walking by faith.

boundaries.

my vision when i set out to create boundaries:
1. i am doing this to protect myself and respect myself and to create a healthier life for myself
2. these boundaries are not forced upon anyone, but if people in my life (namely p.) do not wish to live within them—consequences do follow, which are spelled out
3. these boundaries are out of love and not anger or punishment
4. these boundaries are what i can handle and what i can not handle
5. this is who i am, and what i deserve and want, and i will have the courage to stand by my own boundaries
6. make sure i had the Spirit with me as I created and pondered the necessary boundaries in my life.  i know and felt that my boundaries are approved by the Lord, and are worthy perimeters
7. these boundaries were not formed to confine anyone, they are to ensure freedom, happiness, and growth

Boundaries:

 I will:

-replace my garments ASAP after workouts

-attend the temple once a week

-work on being healthy physically  (at least 8 hours of sleep every night, at least 5 workouts a week, eat healthy)