faith

i kissed my man last night and it felt like the first time.
does that ever happen to you?
i loved it and wanted to memorize it.
maybe it was because that kiss held a deeper meaning than usual.
either way, it was the best.
we both smiled from ear to ear.

i felt incredibly peaceful yesterday, didn't cry at all.
before group, p. asked me to go shooting as our last hoorah in case we broke up.
i found this humorous but went along.  i kept my distance and used that time to pray again and confirm what i've been feeling.

p. and i realized, written on my boundaries that i printed out, i stated that they were to begin to be implemented the monday after we got back from vacation.  that would mean, he has until this upcoming monday to pull his part, as i pull mine.  i wrote it, i knew i needed to agree to that.  so he has until monday.  and the dates dont really matter.

i realized yesterday, my boundaries werent made for me to control him or punish him.  they werent made for me to keep track of everything he does when. they werent made for me to force him into recovery.  they were made to protect me and provide a healthy environment for me and our relationship. and i know my boundaries do just that.
i realized something huge! my natural tendency is to protect him, to micromanage, to LEAD (its my personality!) and my boundaries protect me from doing that.  they protect me from myself! by him doing particularly the 5 things i asked of him (meet with bishop, honest with me, have a sponsor, have a therapist, and go to group) im giving my control over to them.  i know, in their hands-through the Lord, p. will be guided correctly, and I DONT HAVE TO WORRY.  knowing that he is meeting with all those people every week takes a huge burden off me, and i know he can truly work recovery then.

we had a wonderful talk last night.
i let him talk first.  he was sweet as pie of course.
i loved hearing him share what he learned at group and what he learned about himself.
he is such a smart man.  and heavenly father really inspires him when he is humble.
i then asked him what he has been doing.  he shared that he has already started and done everything he could so far (his bishop hasnt called him back to meet or to make the counseling appt) to fulfill the boundaries.  he spoke to a missionary in group about sponsors and who could be one, he got names and is going to pray and ask one of them next wednesday night, he is going to group regularly, he has told the bishop he wants to meet biweekly and needs to have him call to set up his therapy, and he has apologized for his last bout of dishonesty and is committed to being honest now.
i can't really ask for more at this point.
so i asked  ok, what is your plan or goals?
he listed his goals for everyday:  daily planning, scriptures, doing one action step a day, writing, listening to a conference talk once a day, contact with sponsor
every week: going to the temple and just sitting outside for 30 minutes once a week, counselor, bishop, sponsor, group
by June 21 (first day of summer): have a temple recommend so he can go through with his brother when he comes home from his mission, have enough money saved so he can buy an engagement ring
future: attending the temple weekly, be sealed in the temple (to me!), be a facilitator at ARP meetings

i guess i can't say he isn't trying.
i shared testimony to him about how the Saviors Atonement has been carrying me through and that im OK.  i shared that i will walk away from this relationship if Heavenly Father tells me to, and I will walk away if we do not live within my boundaries.  He bore testimony of the boundaries, he said they are scripture, my personal revelation and they are true and powerful.  and i know its true.  he agreed and said he will always support them.  he said those boundaries kind of make him feel uncomfortable and restrictive but he knows they are for my and his benefit, and he believes in them and will do them.  good man.

by the end of the conversation, i was feeling the Spirit very peacefully.
i told him monday we will reassess where were at and move forward.
i thanked him for not giving up.
i know that i can leave him now if i had to. i know that God will guide me with just enough light to see only my next step. and i will keep walking by faith.