just like the movies

am i allowed to say that it is such a relief to not wonder about someone elses recovery?
am i allowed to say that i am soooooooo relieved that i dont have to hear or know of slips/relapses?
im not waiting for any of them,  they're not coming to find me. to choke me.
not trying to rub it in. but its really nice.  and i cry sooo much less.


but, honest truth, im still haunted.
watched a movie last night with the slightest of scenes and i lost it.  i couldnt choke back the tears. i talked myself out of it.
it just opens the flood gates of the deepest emotions.
it hurts.
still.


EVEN during the leadership broadcast, in the presence of the Apostles.  hearing about elders having more access to electronics…oooohhh noooo.
there was a clip in one of the movies of each of the family members, and it gets to the dad. he looks like he's on an ipad or something. and i got tears in my eyes hoping it wasnt pornography (of course it wasn't but my sad mind distorts).  then theres a scene of two little boys on a school bus.  where p. says he was first exposed.  i lost it. balled my eyes out.

i just hate it.
its so hurtful.
and it kills me that sooo many people, addicts and spouses alike, are hurting.
i want to help.
i want to do something to help.


and really i need help.
dating isnt easy.  trying to figure out how to trust men when they say pornography isn't a part of their life.  trying to believe them when you've been lied to exactly like that before.
will the sensitivity fade for me? will i be able to pass a victorias secret and not want to pull my hair out?
will it get easier?


advice anyone?

"The first instruction to Adam for his mortal responsibility is found in Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."" - Tom L. Perry

I would like to be married..

i love the temple.



"In this world we may receive many gifts—cars, money, beautiful homes, educational degrees, and fame in our professions. But none of these compares to the light and revelation that comes to us in the temple. Why is this so? Because there is a special spirit in the temple that can bring us direction and peace in our lives."

updated boundaries

a couple months ago, i prayerfully and fasting fully, created some boundaries for myself particularly concerning the relationship i was in.

i believe that those boundaries need to be revised.  i had the impression the other day that i need to sit down and reconsider what my boundaries need to be as i date again.

i feel like things are very different this time around.  i've learned new things since being with p. and i have grown a lot.  i think i will have a much different approach to dating now and definitely a different mind frame.

i want to date again in the healthiest way possible.
i want to do it right.
i want to find an exceptional man that will push me to be better everyday, that will walk by my side always and will help me bring our family to the celestial kingdom.
i need to be dating the best of men
to marry the best one.

so heres a rough draft….

Boundaries:

I will:
-work full time until i have babies
-consistently budget to contribute to getting out of debt
-prayerfully seek to fulfill and magnify my calling
-try to express love to as many people as possible, as often as possible
-attend the temple weekly
-do something i love every day.
-pray when i feel sad.
-cook more at home, and eat out less than 3 x wk
-get 8 hrs of sleep every night
-try to improve my weaknesses
-read my patriarchal blessing at least once a month
-run 13.1 miles in august
-try to fulfill my mission statement (overcome the natural man. create synergy. inspire belief.)
-put my garments on asap after workouts
-give out a book of mormon to someone this summer
-try to make more friends
-read the scriptures and STUDY them daily
-be open about sharing my testimony and the gospel with others
-say yes to first dates
-call my grammie at least on sundays
-only pursue second dates with men that could possibly fall under my top 5 non negotiables (love for God and sharing the gospel, wants a family and children in the near future, strong communicator, no temper, respectful-to me, to other women, to the waiter, to everyone)
-bear testimony of and be open about the 12 step program of the church in hopes to help someone
-strive to be compassionate. forgiving. and non judgmental.
-stand up for myself, for the innocent, and for womanhood
-be better than OK

I will not:
-watch rated R movies
-spend the night with boys
-let myself sit in self pity
-stop running
-make excuses not to go to ward events, dates, dancing, etc
-date men that aren't living a lifestyle worthy to be in the temple
-let satan win
-allow others to manipulate me
-stop living the gospel and commandments ever
-speak poorly about p. to others
-stay in a relationship where i am cussed at, yelled at, or abused physically or emotionally.
-settle
-stop pursuing who i want to become
-try to finish peoples sentences
-marry someone that isnt spiritually at a similar or better spot than i am
-marry someone that doesnt understand the law of chastity
-stay in relationships with men that can't open the door or openly talk
-stop doing the things i love for a boy
-allow anyone to disrespect me by not honoring my boundaries
-give up. on myself. my dreams. on God.

His Princess

Few things more powerful than my mum sending me these words:

You are in my thoughts! And the most amazing person I know. And, to top it off, a daughter if God. And if that doesn't make you worthy of being treated like a princess, i dont know what does.

this past week has been so interesting.
i don't really know everything that i feel or what im thinking for the future.
but i do know that i feel relief.
i also feel like my relationship with p. has messed me up.
i also feel significantly less anxiety.


i hung out with a boy this week.  it was a great time.
but i found myself repeatedly saying sorry for things.  i guess i was use to having to apologize for everything.
i also found myself thinking multiple times if i was annoying or making the guy mad.
it was really quite ridiculous.
i began to recognize that i think i am going to struggle to trust other people a lot now.
i wonder if they're tricking me, manipulating me, or just trying to put on some "great guy" face.


remember the time p. said he was going to class and doing homework and such this spring?  he wasn't really in school.
seriously.
i had no idea.
how do i recover from that? from people in my life that i could have never predicted or even thought of lying about the most trivial things?  how do i believe other men when so many of them blatantly lie to my face?
why do they do it?


i went out to a movie friday night.
the google internship one.  really funny except the insanely long strip club scene (don't see this movie or let your kids or spouse…)
i triggered like crazy.  i started crying in the theatre.
the scene was terrible and the movie was rate pg-13.
i didnt want the boys i was there with to see it.
i didnt want to see it.
i wished i had gotten up and left the theatre.
i couln't handle the reminder of the pain i feel inside.
that my man (men…ugh) had preferred that over me, that that was better than us having a healthy relationship, that that was what he sought after
my broken heart.
the people i was with didn't think anything of it.

am i going to be messed up forever?

When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust. And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

--sis Dibbs

Update:

My heart is going to be OK.

Eq pres texts me:

You'll like this quote.

"Woman was created from a rib out of the side of Adam; not from his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."

Has there ever been a sweeter modern day scripture?

My heart just melted. 

God loves me.

I feel so blessed.

be believing

i am clinging to my faith. i believe that Jesus Christ can do the things he promised he can in the scriptures and in my heart. i know that God is so very aware of my loneliness and heart ache. i am desperately and faithfully holding to the hope of better things to come. I have received counsel that i must remain faithful, true to my covenants, obey all of the commandments with exactness—and i will be blessed.
it is not easy for me to be positive right now.
but I can feel the strength the Savior is providing me with right now.

fears

i met with my absolutely wonderful and inspired stake presidency counselor.
he is a gift.
he is the kind of man that speaks scriptures fluently.
he teaches me things that i never knew possible.

he and i sifted through my feelings today.
it was so therapeutic.  so healthy. he's so  nonjudgmental.
he was so full of love and kindness to me.  he was so full of praise.

he is just what i imagine being with the Savior would be like.
thats amazing.



i talked to him about some of my fears.
i talked to him as honestly and openly as possible.
he made clear that i do not need to tell anyone including boyfriends/a husband about my past transgressions.  he said what good would that do? it just reopens wounds and discredits the atonement of Jesus Christ.  i wept.  i, for some reason, felt like i was lying or hiding something by not telling every boy about it.
that wound really has been reopened time and time again.
and through recovery, i feel like i can finally close that for good.

he also asked me to take away all my fears and THEN decide how i feel about p.

so here are my honest fears…
I FEAR:
-waking up one day, 5 years down the road, married to him and going through a stint like our campout, and telling myself, "dear girl, you knew this when you were dating. when you could have gotten out. and now you are stuck."
-him loosing himself and being depressed with our break up
-him have sex with other girls after our break up
-every word i say might piss him off
-when he is mad
-how he would treat children
-children seeing a husband treat a wife that way
-children thinking its ok to deal with anger like he does
-that im too old and they're arent any good men left over the age of 25
-that other boys wont be worthy either
-that i wont be able to connect with someone else the way i do with p.
-that im going to be 30 and not married
-that i'll never have kids, have trouble having kids, that ill be that sad single woman that wants to be a mother so bad that she adopts her own
-that other people are pressuring my decision
-that p. is my security blanket
-that im too much of a saver/protector/nurturer, that im willing to sacrifice myself to save him
-that he'll be so hard hearted and stubborn that we won't ever speak to me again
-that he's acting out today
-that he's spending all his money on guns that was suppose to be my ring
-that he'll talk to his ex
-that if we did get back together that it would stay the same
-that years of objectifying women has completely destroyed any respect for them
-that im giving up
-that im calling it quits right when it was starting to get better
-that i wont be able to find anything better
-that ill be miserable for months
-that ill get depressed and fail more at work
-that ill have to go on my family vacations and face them alone
-that ill be totally alone here in provo without friends
-that ill never be able to have healthy trust in a relationship again
-that he isn't really going to school
-not being with his family any more
-feeling terribly alone
-dating again
-letting him pass me by
-that i love him so very much that i will take his abuse
-that i love him so very much that i am risking loosing my favorite person




i don't know what it is, but whenever i feel real deep pain—it triggers my pain for my brother.
one day ill share about him.
and how he led me to the gospel.
post traumatic stress? i need to research it.

Seek

Text from my sweet eqp:

All the fliers got passed out. Should get a decent turn out. Thanks for your testimony also. You're powerful. Your testimony reminded me of this quotes “A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” How true it is. 

Woke up with the natural first thought of him. Before my eyes even opened i thought of when id get to see him next, i imagined his face, i thought of how hes doing, where he is.  And then i realized what had happened yesterday. And my heart sunk. 

Whats left of my heart.

mary susan hall

Just walked out of the provo temple. I did the work for my great great grandmother.  I felt like i was gong to passout the whole time. I prayed to make it through because if there was an emergency there wouldnt really be anyone in provo to call but him.

I could barely get through at the veil. 

I love this gospel and my savior.

I love my family.

And i want for all of us to be sealed together. 

I wasnt happy or smiling in there though. 

A gentleman chased me down as i walked out the door. He said, ' youre really quite captivating.'  I thanked him. He introduced himself.  He asked if he could perhaps take me out on a date. 

He asked if i was seeing anyone. 

I cant fathom the thought of being alone with anyone else. 

I told him, 'im sorry, i am seeing someone.' 

His reply: ' you really are quite captivating. I hope he knows that and appreciates you.' 

And i lost it. 

Now i sit in my car weeping.

brick wall.

we broke up.
today.
2 hours ago.

im afraid it was impulsive. im also afraid its been a long time coming. im also afraid it was the wrong choice.

im confused.
and im heartbroken.
again.

we've never broken up or "taken a break" (whatever that means), we don't play that game.
and im proud of that.
all the terrible nights and situations and yelling—i never once called it quits.
i kept going
and going.

and im exhausted.


im confused because i felt so very right about everything lately.
he's made a lot of changes and been more transparent and has been working hard at recovery.
its been so nice.
and its been awesome to feel good about the direction we're headed.

and then last night we went camping.
he was irritable and short before we were even in the car.
we got him food and he cooled down.
once our campsite was pitched we went on a walk, on the walk he got upset that i wasn't using the proper terminology as he taught me about guns and claimed i was being proud and unteachable.  then he said, "no wonder you have problems with your boss."
i turned around without saying a word.
and he left me there.
i found my way back to the camp site and we brushed it off trying to have a good time.
i can't remember what was said over dinner but he cussed at me and dropped the f bomb and i cried and he got mad at me for crying and he got in the car and left me there.
i cried over macaroni and cheese.
he came back 25 min later and didn't speak to me the rest of the night except when he demanded that i bring the lantern to him.  i got up and said, "please?" and he said, "Now."
i left the lantern there.
he made breakfast in the morning but didn't speak to me.

he thinks its all my fault.
he manipulates every word i say to try to make me feel bad.
and i prayed a lot.
and i read my scriptures with that lantern.
and i asked myself if i could be happy doing this every now and then.



i feel like he thinks i am a big brick wall.
that he can just punch and throw things at (he doesnt literally) and it won't leave a mark.
he thinks its all ok.
when in reality, every time he emotionally punches me in the gut, pieces of that brick are crumbling.
and crumbling.
and i can't just keep taking it.
this brick wall just fell this morning.
the last punch.


i feel guilty because i know he has a problem in handling negativity and anger.
i know that he has acted out as the form of coping.
i know that he treats me poorly as his form of coping.
and neither are ok.

i told him, his biggest problem here is the fact that he doesn't know how to healthily deal with negative feelings.  its ok that he gets mad or frustrated with me, thats understandable.  i get mad and frustrated with him too.  but you have to deal with it properly.  he can just desert me wherever we are (he's left me in a store before, leaves my house all the time without saying anything, left me at the church once).  he can't abandon me and neglect me, and go into 3 day isolation every time he feels something negative.
i just cant do it.
its not ok, addiction or not.  its not ok.

i love this man with all my heart, and i would do anything for him.
and me staying with him and enduring this behavior would be me enabling him.
letting that behavior go on is not helping him or me or our relationship.

im so so soo sad and depressed. he has been my best friend for a year and a half. we've grown so much together. i thought he was going to be my last first kiss.

i don't want to live my life without him.
but i know that i can if i must.
i don't think reality has set in for me.  i have far to much to do to be a basket case and drop off the grid.
im going to go to the temple.
im going to pray for strength and help
because honestly, i know i cant do this on my own.