amen

checking in.

i feel that i have always been a pretty introspective person.  very aware of myself.
but i find myself "checking in", thinking about how i am doing, more often.
several times throughout the day.  evaluating my feelings and thoughts.
i think this is a good thing for me.

once, after i had first joined the church, i asked my bishop, "during my investigation of the church, i felt such a 'high', and then there are these lows of spiritual dullness.. how you prevent the roller coaster and just keep it pretty high medium level of spirituality?"

he left me with one of those kinds of answers that really just mean, you need to learn and find this life lesson out on your own.

so YEARS later.  i sat in a sacrament meeting, and heard the Spirit say:  repent quickly and continuously.

the quicker we repent, and acknowledge bad behavior/bad thoughts and quickly grab back on the iron rod, the less chance we have to fall deeply.  it is like never letting yourself go out of grasp of the iron rod. even though satan will do all he can to prevent us from grabbing right back on to that rod, we must—no matter how difficult it is, no matter how menial the sin may seem.
this is why we are commanded to pray daily, to repent in prayer daily.
this is why we NEED the sacrament every week.

i have committed to myself that i will work on this.  repenting quickly and as often (even hour by hour) if i must.




i have been doing really really good lately.
i feel a huge change in the past two weeks or so.
i have not been freaking out or crying at all.
i have not let p.'s irritability or anger affect me.
and this is HUGE for me.

i really have had an epiphany.  so much so that i couldn't sleep last night, i kept thinking about it—not wanting to forget it.
I can not let my self worth be determined by anything that changes.  for a very very long time i have unconsciously been finding my self worth in: the attention or love of the people around me, the boyfriends i have had, how great/terrible my abs look, whether there are pimples on my face or not, the type of shoes i wore to school, whether i was tan or not, whether i had a good haircut or not, how well i played soccer that day, how many things i could check off my to do list, how clean my house was, the fanciness (or lack of) of my car, what people thought of me, what i thought people would/were saying of me, how much i worked out that day, how good/bad my diet was that day, my past mistakes, etc.


good gravy!
mostly, i am seeing lately in my life that i CAN NOT base my self worth and happiness on how P. is doing.  nor on how he treats me.
my latest motto is
If you're going down, I am not coming with you.

when i see his attitude change, when he has a slip, when he is closed off and irritable—im NOT going down with him!
i have been for a year.
A YEAR!!
it took me to realize this. and build up to this. and to learn from heavenly father.

for that year, every time he relapsed (even when i didn't know about his addiction, but got the brunt of his anger/irritability) or was unkind, i was in pain.  he made me to feel like every fight was my fault.  that i wasnt kind enough or mellow enough or loving or something enough. i felt like it was really my fault!
i read a billion books, i tried to improve, i worked my butt off to fix myself and this relationship.
and all the while——nothing changed in our relationship.  i do feel like i learned a lot about myself and worked on some of my weaknesses (which was great for me). but it wasnt changing that we were unhappy with our communication in our relationship.  we were still fighting.

all along, it was his addiction.
this black mask that destroyed parts of him and me and us that you would never think a sex addiction could effect.
but it did.
and it does for so many people.

i like in elder hollands talk i posted yesterday where it says "we've been cutting at the branches instead of attacking the root" of our problems!  FINALLY, p. and i are attacking the root of our problems: sex addiction.

and FINALLY i am realizing that if he has a bad day, a bad week, a bad year—im not going with him. this doesn't mean that i dont love him or support him or encourage him.
but i am DETACHING.
i am not hooked onto that yoke with him, and have to be drug around like a rag doll with no agency.

i WILL NOT.
for the sake of my sanity and health, i CAN NOT.




its been empowering.  so now that i am detaching myself from his addiction and behaviors—and other things that i have placed my self worth and happiness in, i am beginning to really, truly discover what i SHOULD put my self worth in…
Heavenly Father.  and his view of me and what he has prepared for me.
I am learning to make myself happy.
whaaaaat????!
YES! its true

i'm not going to let HIM ruin my day or make me cry or prevent me from the happiness and joy that is destined for me and my life.  i will have it.  with or without him, no matter what he chooses or how great/bad he is doing in his own recovery.

woooooohoooo!!!!
at first i thought maybe this mentality was just a great phase or momentary, but i have really been living it the past two weeks and it feels awesome.
i feel like im in control of me.
and that is the best.

i know that God can heal us.
and i know that he expects us to do all that we can.
a conscious effort to turn ourselves to him.
and he will bless us.
i am blessed to know that He lives and that Jesus Christ suffered for my pains and heartache and that he is mending me and lifting me up.  I feel stronger.  I feel a strength within me that i didn't have on my own before.  and this is the gospel of Jesus Christ.