another reality:
not all of the time, but some times, i have a lot of mental trouble being intimate with p.
obviously intimacy for an lds couple that is dating (one who honors her temple covenants) is not very in depth at all.
and even THAT is a struggle for me. just kissing!
i have thoughts about how he is using me as his vice.
i have thoughts that this isnt an action of love—because he has done similar things with pornography.
i have thoughts that he really is wishing i was someone else, did something else, looked like someone else.
i have thoughts that i will never live up to his expectations.
i have thoughts that i have to do things sexually to keep him from acting out, or to show him i am 'exciting enough'
i have serious fears that these things will immobilize me or lead me to hate sex, when (or if) we do get married.
and its seriously scary.
i know i can logically tell myself til im blue in the face, that he really does love me, and loves my body. and that i can satisfy him.
but in my heart. i dont always feel that.
what do i do?
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