one day at a time

a man wrote: 10 things i wish i knew…
http://familyprestige.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-i-wish-i-would-have-known.html



i think about p.'s addiction at least every hour. if not more.
i have enjoyed reading eat my scabs.  a fellow wife blogger.
i have been having a pretty good week.  i made it through one of his slips last week without a complete melt down. (mostly because i had spent all my possible energy wailing and curled in a ball the two days before). i was expecting it, prepared for it. and it rolled off me.
i read yesterday on eat my scabs a question about creating boundaries with smart phones.  thoughts i try to erase and ignore.  as i read through the responses, my heart raced.

my man is incredibly smart.
he is really really good with computers and electronics.
there is no way on earth that i could control his devices.
and i have not tried.
and i dont intend to try.




would i love it if he said, 'you know, i recognize my recovery is worth giving up my iphone.' and dumps it, YES!!  but i will not ask him to do so.
would i love it if he kept his computer only in the living room, let me have passwords, or threw the whole thing away?!  YES!  but that is not my choice to make.  i will not force recovery on him.
i do not believe in taking away his agency.
i want him to choose Jesus Christ.
i want him to choose recovery.
and I want to give him the freedom to do so.

it may take a very long time.
im realizing it is going to take much longer than i want.
and i believe this is where cultivating patience and trusting in the Lord comes into play for me.

i still battle with these thoughts of worry, fear, and despair.  i worried over christmas break, at his parents home, about him sleeping in the basement with a computer.  i worried when he takes too long in the bath tub.  i worry when he tilts his phone away from me.  i worry when i leave him at night to sleep.  i worry that i cant be with him every hour of the day to "protect" him.  i worry when i kiss him that i am not enough.  i worry that he is imagining something he has seen in a pornographic movie.  i worry when a victorias secret commercial comes on, any intimate scene in a movie, a bare shoulder.  i worry when i look in the mirror that i might not be enough for him.  i worry every time we argue that he is going to do it.  i worry when i hear rap/hiphop music on the radio.  i worry whenever he has even a small amount of down time.  i worry about the amount of 'gaming' he does has some kind of influence on his addiction.  i worry about him lying to me.  i worry if he is right, that something is wrong with me. i have nightmares.  i let my mind run.  i ache for things that have not even happened.

i am getting better at controlling these fears.
i bite my tongue. i let him have his agency.
i take a deep breath. i cast out those thoughts
and replace them with 'i trust you p., i can do this,
Heavenly Father please grant me thy Spirit."

i realize that i need to be careful to what i am reading on these blogs, websites and books.  i need to not house any extra anxiety.  thats apparent huh?  im trying desperately to let go.  to be healthy and to let God.

and i feel better.
its working.
one day at a time.