Reality

Group was tonight.
I came smiling.
I really love going to group. But got a text during it saying p. accidentally fell asleep through group and didnt come.
His 3rd week in a row.
My heart just sank. And i lost hope.

I have no idea whats been going on with him or how recovery has been going. Every time i ask or even mention anything about addiction, he grows angry and irritable and closes off.
I just dont know if i can handle it.

After group, i asked to talk. He said no, hes tired (after his nap). I said it would mean a lot to me because im struggling. Then a fight burst out.
He said that i showed complete lack of concern for him by asking how his recovery is doing.
My blood just boils.
I dont even comprehend his arguments. I could never rationalize them or predict them. I give up.

I had the urge to punch my steering wheel and all my muscles tensed up.




After a 15 minute prayer and talking with a dear friend. I am ok.

But im not the happy lady at group that seems like theres no emotional connection to the addiction. Im not the blogger that has a man that has been sober for a year and going strong.
Im deeply wounded.
Every day is a battle.
I take the brunt of his pain from the addiction with his quick harsh words.
I take it all.
And try with all my energy to still be happy and still be close to the Spirit and to not let my anger get the best of me.
And its really bad some times.

I have complete confidence and hope in the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that he can heal my heart and that he can heal p's too. I know that p. can be the worthy, valiant, clean leader that God intends for him to become. But my testimony of that doesnt change anything for p. He has to know it and want it too.

I have hope in the gospel and Christs true power, but i dont know if i still have hope in p. that he is ready to really give himself up to the Lord.
And its breaking my heart.