Train.

So im on the train ride back tonight.
P. calls and says he had dinner tonight with his brother and wife.
And the wifes girl friend.

I find this to be awkward.
Just him and some girl with a married couple for dinner and a movie?
Especially since im close with his sister in law..?
So i keep my cool and ask him a couple questions. Im really uncomfortable with what i know so far... And in the matter of two minutes, p. is defensive and angry.
He tells me im freaking out and being jealous. Im seriously keeping a cool tone and saying things carefully so not to offend him, but it doesnt matter. I lost. He blew up and hung up.

So i sat crying on the train for some time.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.
And i thought about my dreams of him cheating on me.
And im not stupid, it happens lil innocent occurrences at a time. And although i dont really feel like he would intentionally cheat on me, so much of my trust has been betrayed because of this addiction. I dont feel like i was being irrational in asking a couple questions to clarify the evening. I dont think its a big deal for him to answer me and reassure me, especially since my trust toward him is messed up because of his doings.

The fact that he gets so overly offended and shuts off, inhibits all healthy communication. It makes having a relationship, especially one with a pornography addiction, near impossible.

Its painful to be betrayed by your man with other women whether it is with a 2-d or 3-d woman. It hurts in the same way. And it destroys our love, our trust, my security, my confidence, my sanity and logic. It makes me feel lower than dirt. And worst of all it takes the spirit away from me when he does it. Satan tries to make me hate myself and blame myself and house anger.

This is so very hard to live with.