ever grateful

wow wow wow
best night ever

seriously
such a special special night
i am SO blessed.
i have only a few experiences where i have felt this close to God.

last night i went to my group meeting.  had my boundaries all printed out so pretty.
scared of what p.'s reaction would be, but so ready to stand up for myself and move in a direction.
i really enjoyed group last night, as usual.
i also felt confirmed in the person that i have been wanting as a sponsor.

after the mtg i found p. sitting there waiting for me, talking with the other men.  he was sooo excited to see me.  and stopped me after we got outside to pick me up and kiss me.  he kept telling me how much he missed me and loved me.  i felt like a queen.

we decided we would have our talk, sitting in his truck.
i let him begin.

he hugged me and kissed me sweetly and was incredibly humble.
he apologized several times and explained how he was wrong.  he explained that he understood where i was coming from and what this was like for me.  he went on to share with me the inspiration that he has had the past couple of days.  he said that in the article i sent him (on rowboatsandmarbles titled  something like a letter to the silent wife…)  he realized that he is not really in recovery.  that he has been just trying so hard to just not act out and view pornography.  he said he also realized that "just not looking at pornography" is not recovery if you do not treat the root, lust addiction.  he also talked about getting a sponsor (the person he wanted was a missionary and couldnt be a sponsor, so now he is praying about a different person—this may take a little while..).  i was so happy that he brought both of these facts up on his own 1. i need a sponsor 2. i havent really been working recovery.  this made me sharing my boundaries so much easier.



the whole conversation was a dream. the Spirit was so strong.  he was so sweet and humble.  he is the man i want to be sealed to forever.  he then told me about a conversation he was having on facebook with some of his brothers about this whole gay marriage bit.  he said he shared the thought that he was against gay marriage but was glad that gays/lesbians are now able to "come out" and be in the open and unashamed.  he said it has not reached that point yet for men in pornography.  and he declared that we need to come out! through tears he told me that he decided to "come out" to his brothers.  what a special moment.  what a marvelous step for him.  he is the oldest so naturally feels like he needs to lead his brothers and be an example.  this has always been hard on him.  he said he told them that he was addicted to pornography and was seeking recovery.  he said his brothers were very supportive and loving.  he said it was the best feeling ever.  he said he wanted to be more open about talking to his family about the addiction.
what an amazing man.
i felt so much love for him.  i know that that was hard for him and something he needed to do, and has probably feared for over 15 years.
he also said that he wanted me to understand that the reason why he has such a hard time talking and being open with me (or anyone) about it is because he has specifically trained himself to NOT talk about it.  the words he used were "i am PERFECT at NOT talking about pornography.  I've been perfect at that for over 15 years".
he was coming out to me about everything. and he said his day was just full of so many blessings.

i could hardly believe everything i was hearing. i was expecting him to be cold and angry! he was a totally different man.  such a great man!  eventually, it came my turn to talk.  i said everything i need and wanted to.  i told him of my experience in the temple months ago and read through my boundaries. he was very calm. i asked him what he thought. he replied that  he felt my boundaries were inspired by God.   wow.
i love this man.
I asked what he thought about a sponsor—he agreed and we spoke about the details, i asked what he thought about meeting with his bishop—he agreed that he needed to be in contact with him more and at least be checking in with him regularly (we both have found that his bishop really knows nothing about the 12 steps or about helping an addict. but he is a good man. just not helpful for p.s recovery), i asked about him seeing a counselor—he got a lil hesitant.  he said he wasnt sure. he asked where or how we could afford one.  i told him that the church has counselors or i would pay for him to see one at his college (i know of another man in recovery that suggested his counselor at that school). and he agreed.
he also agreed that he is going to be more open with me about talking about addiction.  he read in that rowboatsandmarbles blog post that --men in recovery TALK ABOUT recovery and addiction.  Men that are not in recovery will avoid talking about it, say 'yeah im good!', etc.    p. recognized that he needs to not allow any secrets. those secrets in the dark become scary monsters.  but when we "come out" we realize they are not so scary and we can manage them.

 his parents and i were fasting yesterday for him.  his name was on the prayer roll  more than once this week.  i was poured out in prayer near constantly the past couple of days. i kept praying for courage and understanding, guidance, and that his heart may be softened.

WOW.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real. They are so aware of P. and I! He knows my heart and mind and what is best for ME!  he led and guided us.  he blessed us so much. he is so close to us. what an amazing testimony builder this experience has been.  i feel soo good about where we are at.  i've never felt more peace and happiness ever. and p. felt the same way. we were just radiating! the sweetest spirit ever was with us.  i felt so blessed, so happy, and so thankful.

right after my arp meeting, the woman that i wish to be my sponsor came up to me and talked to me about my boundaries and my health.  after answering her questions and discussing, she hugged me and said "YOU ARE IN RECOVERY! YOU need to document this! YOU ARE A TEN! (such amazing and sweet words to hear!)  If p. doesn't choose recovery and you, then GO!  You are a ten and you are amazing! Remember your worth! You are a daughter of God and you deserve happiness."  What a great woman.  Its sooo nice to hear someone tell you that you are a ten!

what an amazing amazing night.
i told p. that i wished we had recorded this conversation.
i'd play it every day.
he smiled at me and said, well were just going to have to have conversations like this every day then.
=D

im on cloud 9, can you tell??
we're off to celebrate his birthday this weekend!
im so in love. and soo aware of God's hand making all of this happen.
lots of gratitude prayers today