i deserve a healthy relationship.

i feel really great about the past two weeks or so.  I haven't cried!

not that crying is bad or wrong—but for me, that means i have been in control of my feelings and not let HIM control how i feel.

this is a big step for me.

and i feel empowered by it.

it feels healthy.

another great step:  he was able to take the sacrament this week!  thats the first time in many months that he has been able to! what a great victory!  i feel very proud of him.  

but also weary that he must keep his guard up on satan, and stay in action with recovery.

despite our successes lately,

we got in an argument over something petty yesterday.

even when talking about every day things, he replies with short, snide comments.  he is highly irritable. and easily angered.

some times i write it off and proceed with the conversation without making any comments about how hurtful the way he speaks to me is.  (because past experience shows me that it will just start a bigger fight).  

but yesterday (we were at a church function), he just got up and left me there.  i did have my car with me, thankfully.  but it was painful that he was ok with speaking to me that way, then just leaving me without saying a word.

hours later, i wrote an email to him (in hopes that he couldnt fight with me).  i decided i was enabling his behavior of talking poorly to me and leaving me at the church like he did.  i was enabling because i would bite my tongue and allow it.  cause i knew if i stood up for myself, that he would manipulate the situation and some how blame it on me.  so in my email, i stated that i did not deserve to be treated that way, that his actions and words hurt me, and that i didnt feel that they were healthy.  for ME to be healthy, i need to not be allowing his bad behavior to continue.

i recognize that his "bad behavior" is completely in alignment with what I read in "Healing Through Christ" about the addicts behavior during recovery and as withdrawal symptoms begin.  They are moody, irritable, blame others, irrational, impulsive.   All things that I am clearly seeing with p.

Even though it is good that he is going through recovery and withdrawal, it still is not ok for me to allow to be treated poorly.

this really pissed him off.

he is angry with me last night and today.

he has been fighting with me and saying he didn't do a single thing wrong and that REALLY i am the one that is treating him so badly.  he twists the whole story to make it sound like im throwing a fit and being crazy.  he takes zero responsibility.

it's really hard.

but i am standing my ground this time. 

and i know its over something stupid. but it happens like this often. 

and i just dont want it in my relationship.

if he doesn't see it or begin to change it, i need to leave him.

and much as i dont want to, i also deserve to be loved and cherished and treated properly.

i keep praying to Heavenly Father to help me see his will, and to guide me.  

I know that recovery for p. will be gradual and take time, but he can do so while learning to control his withdrawals too.  if he chooses to.

i deserve a healthy relationship.  we all do.

some how i am doing ok today.  im in a lil bit of a bum mood, but im ok.  

i know Heavenly Father is with me and fills me.  I have so much love for him.