after all

I often ponder what the Lord means by becoming childlike. I think it is interesting doctrine.

'A child comes for help, not to prove his self reliance.'

that i would not forget

'Our task is to school our appetites, not suppress them, to make them work in concert with a will that disciplines the spirit as much as the flesh. For desire has both spiritual and bodily expression, and our life is a journey to purify both. Along the way, we discipline and honor the body, even as we aspire to perfect the soul, finding in the end that the body and spirit, fitly framed together, do indeed provide the deepest joy.' The God Who Weeps

ever grateful

wow wow wow
best night ever

seriously
such a special special night
i am SO blessed.
i have only a few experiences where i have felt this close to God.

last night i went to my group meeting.  had my boundaries all printed out so pretty.
scared of what p.'s reaction would be, but so ready to stand up for myself and move in a direction.
i really enjoyed group last night, as usual.
i also felt confirmed in the person that i have been wanting as a sponsor.

after the mtg i found p. sitting there waiting for me, talking with the other men.  he was sooo excited to see me.  and stopped me after we got outside to pick me up and kiss me.  he kept telling me how much he missed me and loved me.  i felt like a queen.

we decided we would have our talk, sitting in his truck.
i let him begin.

he hugged me and kissed me sweetly and was incredibly humble.
he apologized several times and explained how he was wrong.  he explained that he understood where i was coming from and what this was like for me.  he went on to share with me the inspiration that he has had the past couple of days.  he said that in the article i sent him (on rowboatsandmarbles titled  something like a letter to the silent wife…)  he realized that he is not really in recovery.  that he has been just trying so hard to just not act out and view pornography.  he said he also realized that "just not looking at pornography" is not recovery if you do not treat the root, lust addiction.  he also talked about getting a sponsor (the person he wanted was a missionary and couldnt be a sponsor, so now he is praying about a different person—this may take a little while..).  i was so happy that he brought both of these facts up on his own 1. i need a sponsor 2. i havent really been working recovery.  this made me sharing my boundaries so much easier.

boundaries.

my vision when i set out to create boundaries:
1. i am doing this to protect myself and respect myself and to create a healthier life for myself
2. these boundaries are not forced upon anyone, but if people in my life (namely p.) do not wish to live within them—consequences do follow, which are spelled out
3. these boundaries are out of love and not anger or punishment
4. these boundaries are what i can handle and what i can not handle
5. this is who i am, and what i deserve and want, and i will have the courage to stand by my own boundaries
6. make sure i had the Spirit with me as I created and pondered the necessary boundaries in my life.  i know and felt that my boundaries are approved by the Lord, and are worthy perimeters
7. these boundaries were not formed to confine anyone, they are to ensure freedom, happiness, and growth

Boundaries:

 I will:

-replace my garments ASAP after workouts

-attend the temple once a week

-work on being healthy physically  (at least 8 hours of sleep every night, at least 5 workouts a week, eat healthy)

The Death of Pious Jack

what an awesome story!
http://rowboatandmarbles.org/death-of-pious-jack-cautiounary-tale-for-mormons-with-porn-problem.html



i would send it to my man, but he would say:  "don't you worry about me!  I'll be fine! I'm doing great honey!  Carry on in your own recovery!"



Heaven help me.
Im going to the temple today and going to fast tomorrow.


How do you sit by the edge and watch your favorite person in the world drown?
this is what i do everyday.
this is why its hard.

it is really hard to have people that do not understand addiction tell me that p. is just an ass and i should leave him.  people that we are close to have told me to leave him.  people have told me that i can do better.

i get that it looks that way. i get that my last post demonstrates that.
but it is a veil of addiction that controls him.
it isnt the real him.


and i know that is hard for people to comprehend that have no experience with addiction.
it makes it really hard for me to confide in anyone and get sound advice.

i prayed last night.
fervently.
i know that God knows p.'s heart better than i do, and I know God knows what is best for both him and  I.  i know that God wants both of us to be happy.

i am ready to do whatever he prompts me to do.

story of my life.

"Our loved ones are use to the way we have responded in the past and expect us to keep responding that way.  They may unconsciously like the fact that we do not have boundaries because it means we will usually give in to what they want.  If we attempt to take a stand, they know what to say to blame us, confuse us, manipulate us, or to get us so emotionally charged up that we will question our position.  They know how to take our words and twist them around to their benefit.  In short, they know how to talk us out of keeping our boundaries…our position may further agitate them or make them angry, but it is important for us to be consistent and firm with our boundaries."   Healing Through Christ

i deserve a healthy relationship.

i feel really great about the past two weeks or so.  I haven't cried!

not that crying is bad or wrong—but for me, that means i have been in control of my feelings and not let HIM control how i feel.

this is a big step for me.

and i feel empowered by it.

it feels healthy.

another great step:  he was able to take the sacrament this week!  thats the first time in many months that he has been able to! what a great victory!  i feel very proud of him.  

but also weary that he must keep his guard up on satan, and stay in action with recovery.

despite our successes lately,

we got in an argument over something petty yesterday.

even when talking about every day things, he replies with short, snide comments.  he is highly irritable. and easily angered.

some times i write it off and proceed with the conversation without making any comments about how hurtful the way he speaks to me is.  (because past experience shows me that it will just start a bigger fight).  

but yesterday (we were at a church function), he just got up and left me there.  i did have my car with me, thankfully.  but it was painful that he was ok with speaking to me that way, then just leaving me without saying a word.

one small victory at a time!

im  feeling really good about holding myself together the past 24 hours.
p. and i had a break through conversation tuesday.
HE CAME TO ME to talk about addiction!!!

!!!
!!!
!!!

whaaaaaaat???!!!!!
who is this awesome man?!

yay!
the conversation was a dream.
we were both calm and humble and expressed love and gratitude.
he recognized that he needs a sponsor (finally! yay!!) and expressed his hope (i so needed to hear!)
and i loved him like crazy.
it made me so happy.

then yesterday (wednesday nights we go to group—which he missed the past three weeks)  he said he will not be missing any more meetings.  i walked to the church building and didnt see his car.
my heart sank but i smiled some how and said told myself it was going to be ok.
my meeting was totally wonderful.  and heart wrenching. and the Spirit was so strong.

during the meeting i get a text from p.
he is mad at himself.
he fell asleep again.
i took a deep breath and kept my cool.
i told him i loved him. i told him to get to the meeting even if he missed half of it. and i encouraged him.

he didn't come.
i curled my hair and dressed cute to see him after the meeting.
i was sad.
i was sad that he said he would come and talked my ear off about how devoted he is just the day before.
but i decided— it wasnt going to ruin my day.
i decided to be thankful that he even told me, that he didnt lie, and that he recognized that he need to be there

so i let it go.
he struggled all night. didn't care to see me (curled my hair for nothing! hmmf!)
and was difficult to talk to.
so i let it go. and i prayed earnestly several times for him.
and gave it to God.

and it felt SOOO GOOD!!
i slept like an angel. and woke up happy.
i know he had a rough night. and i did my best by telling him that i love him.
but i can't take his consequences and pain away.
only the Savior can help him with that.
and I feel so much relief and burden lifted off me.

it's not my problem to fix.
and i am going to be healthy and happy.
no matter what he does or doesnt do.

challenge

accepted!


p. teases me about how much i read about addiction and recovery and the gospel of Jesus Christ.
i read this type of material for over 5 hours yesterday alone.
i have read 3 books so far from addicts and spouses in the past 2 months.  (for a not so fast reader, this is a lot!)
i while i was working out today i wished i had a book with me..so i opened my pdf on my phone of "Healing Through Christ" (you gotta get it if you don't have it.  print it from that link)
i wondered if maybe i am now addicted to reading about the addiction and recovery?!
im kidding.
…but seriously.

i think that educating myself on the topic has been awesome for me.
im learning a lot about myself, about his addiction, about Heavenly Father and his plan for us.
i need to read about it and study it everyday. its what keeps me in the right perspective and it doesn't let my mind wander and freak out. haha.   my coping mechanism?!
i read today on rowboat and marbles, that there is a list of things the Church recommends you read about sexual addiction!

and here is that list…
https://www.lds.org/topics/pornography/audiences/individuals/sexual-addiction-reading-list?lang=eng

wooohoo!!

my first marriage: the story

Very few people on earth know the truth.
This is not a happy story.
or a proud story.
or a hopeful story.

but it is a true story.

i believe that by telling this raw truth, it will aid in my recovery.
i am really combining step 1 + 4 + 5 (honesty, truth, and confession)
something i have been neglecting to confront.



it was 2008 that i got divorced.
the year that some serious learning happened for this young 21 year old.
i was a somewhat recent convert to the church when i went off to BYU Idaho.
i met a sweet man that was gentle, and quiet, and everyone adored him.
his name was s.
he was 26. i was 19.
and we were in love.
i can't remember a ton about our courtship, probably because it lasted all of 3 months before we were engaged to be married.  everything added up.  he was a great mormon boy from a great mormon family.  he served a mission in italy where my ancestors are from! and i loved going on walks with him and attempting to learn italian.  we made out in the back of my car, but never took things farther than that.  we couldn't keep our hands off each other—there was so much chemistry!  (or at least hormones.)

i remember meeting with my bishop while we were engaged.
he had met with s. individually prior, and he looked me in the eye and said, "d. do not marry this man. he does not have a testimony of Jesus Christ."
i was shocked and angry that my bishop could be so wrong!
what was he talking about?!
i honestly can not remember if i talked to s. about it or not.  but i now see that i truly was warned.

i can remember something about coming home crying one day with s. from church and saying that we couldn't get married when we wanted to for some reason.  i can't remember what the reason was….it might have been because his parents were leaving to China for the next year (so we had to get married a lot quicker…)  who knows..

needless to say, we were happy.
and so in love.
and so very young. haha
and i convinced my parents over the phone of what a great man he was and that i wanted to marry him.

my mother and grandmother came out to meet him.
like everyone, they immediately fell in love with him.
i was such a lucky girl.

bueller?

perhaps some days this blog is a cry for help.


read this bloggers "plan".

i need a plan like this.
i think it would be so healthy.
and such a relief.

my problem:  i don't think p. would sit down with me to talk about creating this plan.
and if i create it without him, i think he would just tell me it is controlling of me.
and get angry.

so what do i do?
bueller?
does any one read this?

how have you approached this subject?

one day at a time

a man wrote: 10 things i wish i knew…
http://familyprestige.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-i-wish-i-would-have-known.html



i think about p.'s addiction at least every hour. if not more.
i have enjoyed reading eat my scabs.  a fellow wife blogger.
i have been having a pretty good week.  i made it through one of his slips last week without a complete melt down. (mostly because i had spent all my possible energy wailing and curled in a ball the two days before). i was expecting it, prepared for it. and it rolled off me.
i read yesterday on eat my scabs a question about creating boundaries with smart phones.  thoughts i try to erase and ignore.  as i read through the responses, my heart raced.

my man is incredibly smart.
he is really really good with computers and electronics.
there is no way on earth that i could control his devices.
and i have not tried.
and i dont intend to try.

i read stories and blogs of other lds couples.  i read of their horror stories of him flying across the world to have sex with other women, his affairs, his strip clubs, him despising his children, him hiring prostitutes, him abusing their children.  and those wives, they didn't think it was their man. not the man they had married in the temple.
and i think, thats not my man.  he wont let it get that bad.
for those men, it began exactly the same way it has for p.
it is now clear how very crafty and powerful satan is.

who is to say this couldn't be my horror story?



my sweet, sweet man.
my poor sweet man.
im begging and pleading that God may change his heart and heal his brain.
that rock bottom is not somewhere in the future.
i want so badly to be able to trust him.
to make covenants with him in the House of our God.
to move forward from this hellish disease and never look back.

what is the right choice?  what do i do?

i just don't want pornography to replace me again.

Oh the ups and downs

P. finally opened up after my heartache and hysterics of last night.
What a mess i was. Such unnecessary shame and anger he throws on me before he gets to the humble part, the part that makes me love him more.
P. said that he has had his longest sobriety yet! 13 days. And im really proud of him. During the last week though, he had been really irritable in general toward me, quick to be short with me. For no reason. ESPECIALLY if i brought up addiction... So simply, last night he told me that he got through 13 days by ignoring pornography with all his might. Not thinking about addiction, not reading about recovery. Sheer might.
I commend him on the strict human strength that takes for an addict, but he knowledged it wasnt the right way to get sobriety.
I didnt say a word. (There are so many words i dont say to him, im afraid to.. So i write them here..).
Ignoring it is like putting a bandaid on addiction. That will not last forever. Satan is more crafty than that. We are human, we can not expect or ask of ourselves to do superhuman things.
He needs the atonement. The savior. It really is the only way. But he needs to realize and find that.
So i sit here, and take the anger.
And have hope for the day when he realizes and find this Savior of ours.
I am grateful for the gospel. Especially for Gods plan of happiness.

a truth

another reality:
not all of the time, but some times, i have a lot of mental trouble being intimate with p.
obviously intimacy for an lds couple that is dating (one who honors her temple covenants) is not very in depth at all.
and even THAT is a struggle for me.  just kissing!
i have thoughts about how he is using me as his vice.
i have thoughts that this isnt an action of love—because he has done similar things with pornography.
i have thoughts that he really is wishing i was someone else, did something else, looked like someone else.
i have thoughts that i will never live up to his expectations.
i have thoughts that i have to do things sexually to keep him from acting out, or to show him i am 'exciting enough'
i have serious fears that these things will immobilize me or lead me to hate sex, when (or if) we do get married.

and its seriously scary.

i know i can logically tell myself til im blue in the face, that he really does love me, and loves my body. and that i can satisfy him.

but in my heart. i dont always feel that.

what do i do?

honesty

being honest with yourself comes before being honest with others.  

this is a huge step.

it is a great step.

it is an empowering step!

at work today we had guest speaker come to talk to us about psychology, how to improve ourselves, and understand our personal ways of thinking.  it was right up my alley.  i loved it.  i really, really love the following worksheet he gave us to do some self evaluation with.  

i believe this is an AWESOME assessment, not the easiest, but very vital to healthy recovery.  please do it if you feel impressed! please share it with others!  

this self honesty eval can be related to any aspects of your life, at work they were related to personal training sales and our clients and our career goals.  naturally, i related it immediately to recovery, my photography business, and my spiritual goals.  

little journal writing for the day???  =)

Self-Honesty Questions

How do you assess yourself and your performances?

How would you honestly rate your current level of performance on a scale of 1-10?

What defense mechanisms do you use to protect yourself?

What is the hardest thing about admitting your weaknesses?

What is the hardest thing about admitting you made a mistake?

Are there people on your team (or in your family/your spouse/church leaders/friends/support group) that you are not comfortable being completely honest with?  Why do you feel you cannot be honest with them?  If you could tell them what was on your mind, what would you tell them?

What would it feel like to have all your defenses down?

What are you most ashamed of? What thoughts are shaming to you relating to your performance?

Do you resent things others expect of you?  How do you deal with that?

If you could do anything with your time what would be most important for you to do and why?

today, i am strong.

and i am healthy.

and i am overcoming huge things with the right perspective.

i can do it.

Reality

Group was tonight.
I came smiling.
I really love going to group. But got a text during it saying p. accidentally fell asleep through group and didnt come.
His 3rd week in a row.
My heart just sank. And i lost hope.

I have no idea whats been going on with him or how recovery has been going. Every time i ask or even mention anything about addiction, he grows angry and irritable and closes off.
I just dont know if i can handle it.

After group, i asked to talk. He said no, hes tired (after his nap). I said it would mean a lot to me because im struggling. Then a fight burst out.
He said that i showed complete lack of concern for him by asking how his recovery is doing.
My blood just boils.
I dont even comprehend his arguments. I could never rationalize them or predict them. I give up.

I had the urge to punch my steering wheel and all my muscles tensed up.

Go. And do.

'Pray always lest that wicked one have power in you, and remove you out of your place.' D&C 93: 49
Have power IN you? Interesting. I feel like we normally say satan may have power OVER us... But really he doesnt have power over us without our consent. Correct? How about: if we stop praying (are not praying always, or have the Spirit with us always, or have our hearts turned to Jesus Christ always), he will most definitely take advantage of that opportunity and will be WITHIN ME, within my thoughts, in my feelings even. So often, when we are in our carnal or worldly state, we disregard thoughts not as satan but as our own. We try to give them that validation. This too, is the workings of satan..
And what does it mean to 'remove you out of your place'? I thought of how often we hear 'stand ye in holy places'. I think this means more than just where you physically stand. Could it not include your attitude? Your state of mind? Where your words and actions stand?
Perhaps to be removed from your place may mean that you will be taken away from the Spirit, away from 'holy places', away from the temple, away from good healthy thoughts, away from joy.

I have really been pondering the past two weeks or so what it means to pray always, lest satan has power over us. And ive really been trying to make my lil human effort to apply it.

And i do feel blessed for it.
It is really kind of scary when we realize how well satan knows us, how hard he works, how closely and quickly he rushes to destroy us, and how truly sly he is.
May we always remember this.
May we prayerfully understand how to protect ourselves from this.

God, in the Garden of Eden, granted Adam and Eve (and you and i) power over Satan. That he may be able to tempt us and bruise us, but we have ultimate power over him to crush him.
Remember, remember this power!!
You are powerful!

Go and do.

His awful chains.

'The less we believe in Satan...the more power he can exert over us....We should be on guard always to resist Satan's advances.'

Train.

So im on the train ride back tonight.
P. calls and says he had dinner tonight with his brother and wife.
And the wifes girl friend.

I find this to be awkward.
Just him and some girl with a married couple for dinner and a movie?
Especially since im close with his sister in law..?
So i keep my cool and ask him a couple questions. Im really uncomfortable with what i know so far... And in the matter of two minutes, p. is defensive and angry.
He tells me im freaking out and being jealous. Im seriously keeping a cool tone and saying things carefully so not to offend him, but it doesnt matter. I lost. He blew up and hung up.

So i sat crying on the train for some time.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.
And i thought about my dreams of him cheating on me.
And im not stupid, it happens lil innocent occurrences at a time. And although i dont really feel like he would intentionally cheat on me, so much of my trust has been betrayed because of this addiction. I dont feel like i was being irrational in asking a couple questions to clarify the evening. I dont think its a big deal for him to answer me and reassure me, especially since my trust toward him is messed up because of his doings.

The fact that he gets so overly offended and shuts off, inhibits all healthy communication. It makes having a relationship, especially one with a pornography addiction, near impossible.

Its painful to be betrayed by your man with other women whether it is with a 2-d or 3-d woman. It hurts in the same way. And it destroys our love, our trust, my security, my confidence, my sanity and logic. It makes me feel lower than dirt. And worst of all it takes the spirit away from me when he does it. Satan tries to make me hate myself and blame myself and house anger.

This is so very hard to live with.

To do good continually

Ive been out of town this past weekend without p.
and i felt like i did really well in trusting him and keeping only healthy thoughts.

I am currently reading, the worth of a soul by cramer.
And there is an internal battle within me that is trying to not be blind like my first marriage, to not have those rose tinted glasses on and be realistic about marrying into this addiction (again), while the other side loves p. truly madly deeply from an endless and unconditional place within me.

I wonder, will this addiction leave me worn out and unhappy and looking forty years older than i should? Will it be as exhausting later as it is now?

I have absolutely no way of knowing whether p. overcomes this in the next year or two and doesnt let it be out of his control again and we have a happy and healthy life together. But i also have no way of knowing if he will ever cheat on me or take this addiction further or if he will one day give up on recovery or on being active in the church.
All i really have is faith.
And im praying fervently that God will lead me through darkness like he has promised.

I got a pretty strong feeling this weekend while i was visiting with my mom and grandma that no matter what, i will be happy in this life, and everything will be ok. I feel peace.