In the palms of my hands

i have been feeling really uncomfortable.

i have been numblike and miserable but also just zoning out so i can work.

i have had serious trouble focusing.

today i had to photograph a wedding at the manti temple.

this temple has something special about it.

i woke up early and got there with enough time to do some initiatories.

a flood of peace came over me as soon as i walked down the pink carpeted hall.  

this might be the most beautiful and ornate character and stunning temple i've ever been in.

i loved doing service there and felt the Spirit so strongly.  i prayed several times.

i wasn't exactly sure what i was praying for.

i just vented. and asked for a few things.

and expressed my love and gratitude.

i begged a worker to let me sit in the celestial room for a little bit after i was done.

i am in love with this celestial room.  the huge sparkling chandeliers, the hand painted ceilings.  i felt so much peace and warmth.  i prayed for a long time.

a couple of things came to mind.  

some i won't share.

but i was surprised that i found myself telling Heavenly Father that i feel empty and alone and I don't know what to do.   I found myself imagining being sealed in the blue sealing room to my left.  

i thought about being there with his family.

i thought about my ancestors whose work i have done in temples.

i thought about my future babies.

i thought about God's plan.

during the initiatories, i was carefully listening to the blessings.  i cried, i want all these blessings, always.  i need them.  i wanted the woman whose work i was doing, to accept them and have them too.  i thought of what my future is suppose to be like...i felt the Spirit say, it is not going to be easy.  And this current trial of p's addiction, will not be the last one (trial).  things will be hard.  but you will know me.  and you will be ok.  and in the end you will be blessed.     i thought about when i was investigating the church and they (missionaries) said, "ok so after you're baptized all you gotta do after that is endure to the end!"    Enduring is a word i often contemplate.  i thought of alicia saying, "don't give up!"   i think we should change enduring to the end to keep going, don't give up.

in the temple this morning-the Spirit whispered to me, "don't give up d.  don't give up on yourself or on me.  i am with you."

after a long time in the celestial room (i was so thankful she let me sit there and fill myself with the Spirit), i began to walk downstairs.

half way down the stairs i looked up.

it was the quietest place.

not a sound.

and i viewed this painting..

tears flooded my eyes. and i stopped on the stairs.

the Spirit told my heart, "d___ you are not alone.  i am with you.  do you not remember i have engraven thee upon my own hands?  keep going.  i will be by your side in all you do.  my arms are open to you.  you are mine.  you are never alone."

it was one of the sweetest moments.

i couldn't believe that giant painting was placed right there in the middle of the stairwell.  a peaceful, quiet place where i was totally alone to hear the Spirit and let it flow through me.  My heart was touched that God did hear my prayers and knew of my heartache. i thought more about the markings in the Saviors palms.  I feel like it is easy to think of the atonement as some far off sacrifice that is somehow suppose to cleanse us.   but i was impressed today that it is very living and real right now, not just long ago.  Christs POWER through his sacrifice is readily available to USE.  His hands were literally pierced and nails were drawn through his wrists to provide ME a way to be whole. that my heartache may be freed.  that i CAN be HIS forever.

this is the Lord's true church and plan.  His Son is the living Jesus Christ.  and He does have the power to change us.