guilt. good guilt.

in the moment i felt guilty.
this most recent dday. p.'s confession.
(i still feel like i want to ignore it. not address it. puke really quick and run away.)
—i felt guilt.
i felt it because he gave me some power.
i told myself not to abuse it.
"how should i be acting?  what would the 12 steps have to say about what to do? he's had sex with another girl.  am i suppose to be ok? am i suppose to be sweet and forgiving? am i suppose to be with him? what do i do?"  my mind raced.
i have not admitted it out loud or to anyone yet, but when he came bearing gifts and loving me and speaking so gently and sweetly—i never wanted it to end. i loved it. i basked in it.
i want him to always treat me that way.
not because he's done something wrong but because he ENJOYS loving me. and showing me.

so i felt guilty that i was bowed to.
i didn't do anything.
except not hurt him for the ways he's hurt me.

i felt him give me that power.
that i was a saint.
and the next day i told myself that. "i am a freaking saint for being so awesome and putting up with such crap."
but i am so tired of feeling that way.

in many relationships i feel like the men dont live up to their potential, their callings, their priesthood (yes soo many men are awesome and do, but not many of the ones ive been able to date…and i DO date good men).  in the temple we learn about following our husbands as they follow the Lord. and i have always pondered this.  i have never really found a man that i TRUST will follow God, so I can follow him.  (im hoping that is changing as p. is changing).

i just want to feel like we ARE on the same level.
that im not spiritually dragging this husband around, carrying him on my back to the celestial kingdom.
i want us side by side. hand in hand.

Alicias recent post, prompted me to confess these feelings and not abuse this power he has given me.
i surrender it.
we just sin differently.
he is just as imperfect as any other human being, including myself.
he is not less than me.
i am not more.
we both fall short and need the Savior.
we both need the atonement to make it back to Heavenly Father.
i appreciated Alicias post prompting me to acknowledge what had unconsciously manifested in me that day, so i can overcome it.