tonight.
other blogs and books and stories about others' personal experiences with addictions and recovery are often triggers for me. so many of them have been or particular posts have been. and i would not be surprised if parts of my blog cause negative triggers for others.
i am really learning to identify them and stop reading when i need to.
and thats ok.
so please stop reading if you get negatively emotional over anything i say.
im not offended. its personal to you, not me.
that being said.
i have a really hard time separating the stories and making assumptions that one day my life is going to be like their's or my husband will do just what their husband does etc.
thats a problem. a weakness of mine. a part of my recovery i need to address.
i also logically, and hopefully this isnt a justification?, think that i need to have my eyes open and be aware of what life could REALLY be like.
so tonight,
i ask myself, do i really want to hurt forever? do i have to have pain like i have this past year forever?
will it really ever go away? i want my future me to write me a letter and tell me it all works out. and i don't have a cheating husband and a lying husband and an inactive husband. and even leaving p. wouldn't guarantee any of that.
another thought: i can forgive p. for cheating on me. its possible. i know it is. Christ will help me do that with some help and time. but i don't have to stay with him even if i forgive him. and it doesn't mean that any of it is at all ok.
d i have felt the same way with reading blogs too. I often think "wow, i'm never EVER getting married....it's a horrible mess...wife always crying and hurting...why bother?" I struggle with that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure its reverse for you, thinking that p. wont change, etc, etc. That is a tough thought. It is hard to detach from the comparisons. It is. Ah bless your dear soul.
so true! its necessary to take a step back and realize we are different, and we have a different story. and that we have power in our lives to make choices that will create a different outcome. i constantly have to tell myself, "wait no..p. is not telling me this after 20 years of marriage.. and NO he has not gotten that far.." etc.
Deleteyou are doing great things warrior. keep up the fight!
thanks for reading and commenting =]
Those are definitely some valid questions that we all need to consider for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI have been asked a couple of times if I could go back and chose another man knowing what I know now. The truth is, NO! Does this hurt more than anything I have ever had to deal with? For sure! But I also believe that there will come a day that the pain won't be so raw, that I won't be walking around in a fog of pain, fear, and doubt. That I can be confident in the love my husband has for me and that he will be able to SEE and want me and only me. I know this because we have the Savior on our side. He is the ultimate healer, the Redeemer. We know that in the end, He will be victorious. As long as my husband and I are diligently striving daily to turn to the Lord I have faith that we can both be changed. That we CAN be happy. This belief is what gets me through the terribly difficult times.
*hugs*
oh i love this. thank you thank you for sharing it.
Deletei wrote (a long explanation) why i am still with P. even after all the heartache in a "just dating" relationship in the comments section of my "my first marriage" post.
i would still choose him. because he is fantastic and amazing outside the addiction. because i love my time with him. and soo many reasons more (listed in the comments of that post). i love that you still would choose your man!