drained.

had an amazing wonderful sabbath, bore testimony, was served and served. had wonderful leadership meetings. felt my testimony that this is indeed the Lord's church. 

came home smiling talking to my mom and grammie.

then, bout 5 minutes ago, i get a text reporting another slip

and today.

i just. cant. take. it.

i can't be superwoman today. 

i've been working my butt off with 3 jobs and my calling and making visits to the sisters. i've been trying to also keep up on my own life—prayers, scripture study, temple attendance, training for my half marathon, eating, sleeping, cleaning up my room, laundry, running errands, and trying to devote time to RECOVERY! and short dates with P.  

i just can't do it all today but i also don't have much of a choice.

p.

im so tired of slips.

im so tired of fighting the pain. trying to just be happy and normal and put on a smile.

most days i don't have to fake it. but this evening at work, im going to have to. i hate it.

i absolutely HATE that he has masturbated to videos/images of i dont even know what.

i am so hurt.

my heart is just broken. 

he did his dailies, he sat outside the temple. he had a great therapy session the day before.  

this is so hard.

we went on a date last night and the entire time, he was irritable with every other thing. i kept pretending not to hear the irritability and kept things light and happy. when i did ask what he was feeling, i tried to reassure him and help him to feel loved and work out of the mood—but i didn't help.

i knew that he may act out. he left my house pissed that night that because he bumped a key on my computer while we were watching a show, but he didn't think he did.

that was it.  just an example of what this is like.

today. im drained.

and in pain.

and wish that he and i were healthy enough on our own to comfort each other, but were not.

i feel like he is not only abusing himself but he is abusing me and this relationship.  he IS definitely working recovery and trying. he has made some big changes lately. 

but satan is still in full force.  still apart of our life.

what a wave this still is. 

well i have to be at work in 5 minutes to serve families food on this happy mothers day.