I wish for a second he would just have compassion for me. For what it might be like to be in my shoes. To deal with a slip without an apology or concern outside himself.
What if i came to him every week or so and said, 'i cheated on you again, sorry i cant help it..yeah, ill keep working on it.. But no im not going to read any of those books or go to more meetings or even call my sponsor. Im good on that. You can have fun with that.' And expected him to stay? To be ok with that? To still be sane and have any confidence at all? To have a trusting relationship?
I get theres differences between sex with someone else and sex with himself and that girl on the computer. But by how much? Maybe my example is extreme or harsh. But thats exactly how it feels.
It feels like hes cheating on me every other week.
And i just dont know if i have the strength.
My head is pounding from crying so much. Heavenly father heard my prayers this afternoon. As soon as i got to work, a dear friend of mine asked the dreaded, ' are you ok?' after he saw my bloodshot eyes. And i lost it. I cried the uncontrollable shaking sob cry in this hug. He talked with me and let me wail. And told me a lot of inspired things. And i felt so much better and made it through. What a great and inspired friend.
My head feels like its going to explode. Im going to close my eyes. If youre reading this, i hope youre doing far better than i.
"I get there's differences between sex with someone else and sex with himself and that girl on the computer. But by how much? Maybe my example is extreme or harsh. But that's exactly how it feels.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like hes cheating on me every other week."
This is how it feels to pretty much all women who experience this.
I think there is a reason the Savior says that looking on a woman to lust = adultery in the heart. Perhaps some of that is because He knows what effect it has on that man -- and on the woman he has betrayed.
Jacob 2 validates the Savior's love for women whose hearts have been broken by sexual sin.
I hope you can find the strength and clarity you need to know what to do.
p.s. I in no way want my comment to be misunderstood as not having compassion for the men who struggle with addiction. They, too, are victims of the adversary's desire to destroy.
ReplyDeleteWithout a firm commitment to recovery, though, that is unfortunately what happens. The devil can, does, and will destroy those who don't do all that it takes to seek the Savior's freeing power. He gives the very clear standards for a reason. Because He knows that there is no other way to true freedom.
My heart goes out to you, d. My husband's struggles are with MB right now. He had a slip over the weekend. I talk about it over on my blog. I wish I could hug you right now. I'm so glad you had someone who could let you cry on their shoulder. You needed that cleansing, I'm glad you found it. Much love and hugs to you.
ReplyDelete