on slips.

last week at group, i was talking with two of the other women after.
one of them had just experienced her first slip since they began recovery (a couple months i think).
the other has not heard of a slip since they began, but is dreading it.
the first had the courage and inspiration to text me when it happened.  she got to vent.  she got to collect herself and put herself in the right position to speak to him when he got home.
she did awesome!

i've been thinking about these two sisters a lot lately.
they both expressed how fearful they are of the next slip.
the second sister said, "well be ready for my texts when he does slip!"
have we all felt this?  this fear of the dreaded slip up? the anxiety of anticipation? do we play out in our heads how horrific it will be and all the pain we will be filled with?

a couple of points:
1. A slip is not the end of the world.  Him stopping recovery would be pretty horrific. Him not making ANY progress would be horrific.  But a slip is NOT a relapse. A slip is not absolute failure.  It will happen and it is part of the process.

2. I thought about WHY are these women fearing it so much? why did i fear it so much?  We are fearful and have anxiety about slips when we deep down know it has the power to destroy and hurt us.
Don't give it that power! Do not let satan have that.  When we can say that we are truly disconnected from it—We will be healthy, happy, and strong despite someone elses actions.  That is when we are truly free.

3. it IS possible to be ALRIGHT even if he has a bad day.  it is possible because for a long time i suffered WITH HIM.  because of recovery, i now know how to be sane and healthy through slips.




I've also been tossing around another thought.  Like many women, i can tell by his moods, words, and actions when he is struggling, when perhaps a slip may occur.  I found myself thinking, "Slip. Do it, see if i care."   This kind of sounds cruel, like im wishing it upon him.  but thats not where im coming from.  Nor do i ever wish that he would slip again in his life haha.  But i feel like im trying to keep myself in reality—that Yes, he might slip. And YES i will be ok.  And i will be able to distance myself from the addiction.
Ive been trying to figure out if it is unhealthy that i say this every now and then (in my head of course..).  Ive been trying to figure out why i think it.
Some times i tell myself, "D. one day your grandma is going to die.  and it is going to hurt really bad. but you will be ok."  this is kind of morbid but i feel like it is me trying to prepare myself and not be caught naive or by surprise.
does this make any sense?



Moral of the story: theres no sense in fearing a slip.  it only makes us less than happy and gives power to satan.
We will all be OK.