bruises.

"If only minds and hearts healed as fast as cuts and bruises"  

— Nate

oh how i wish it was true.

my heart still isnt healed completely.  

and i get the feeling that may take a long time.

i shoved my pain under the rug for the weekend. and dismissed any thought of it, hoping it would just go away.

similar to addicts behavior? yes.

i went to group today. and what a great reminder— dear d.! you need to address how you feel.

im trying.

im not going to ignore those feeling any more.

im going to address them, and put them where they belong, and heal from them.

im going to seek God's help in what to do and say about our relationship.

and im going to try to develop real forgiveness toward p.

p. and i had a pretty good weekend. we were able to spend some great quality time together and reconnect.  there were two different times over the weekend where he lost his cool and his addict side came out.  first was when we were cooking together and he got all kinds of offended over i dont remember…maybe me asking him not to put our food on the counter..  he says, "im over it!" and storms out. i take a deep breath and go outside to get him. he left in his car.

i walk inside and start crying.

two seconds later he walks in and is happy. 

and we have a great rest of the day.

withdrawal mood swings much?

second episode,

we had dinner with his brother and sister.

that was great.

then after in the car, he gets all grumpy at me and speaks poorly to me.

he gets so angry about how long its taking us to drive to their house and blames it on me.

i get nervous that he will turn the car around, take me home, and act out.

so i try to keep cool.

we dont talk much at their house, just watch tv.  

then on the car ride home, he apologizes and holds my hand.

these sound silly. because they're over really silly things.

its true.

but for him, in his sometimes unstable mind—these are huge feats to turn his attitude around, to recognize it so quickly, to become humble, to stop his behavior before he gets out of control and grows angry enough to act out.  

it honestly really really meant a lot to me that he came back, and changed his attitude toward me.  he normally doesnt do that.  it shows me that he does love me and respect me. and that he REALLY is trying to become a better man. and that hes trying to not get himself to a point where he looses control.

and im proud of him.