well good gravy

my last post was just from earlier in the day.
and already i was forced to test the knowledge i gained.

p. reported a slip.
20 minutes before my presidency meeting.
at my home. that i was conducting and trying to receive inspiration about some great callings in my ward.
it just wasnt an option to throw a fit or be angry or sit in pity.

so i cried really quick in the shower.
i felt disgust knowing that within a couple of hours my man was sitting at a computer and what he was looking at.  it just makes me hurt.  i felt sick. i wasnt hopeless. i wasnt mad or angry.
i was just disgusted about lust and hurt that he looks at other women and intentionally seeks it out.
hacks his own firewalls, and chases after it.
that just makes me sick.
and sad.

BUT i remembered the quote in my last post! i wouldn't be able to receive the revelation that i needed for my sisters if i was upset or angry.  so i prayed a couple times.
and had a wonderful meeting. and i've been totally ok.
i feel disconnected from it.
and maybe a little bit numb from it happening so often.

but he established a new record: 23 days.
back to day one tomorrow, BUT NOT SQUARE ONE.
for that, i am thankful.