epiphany no. 78

here it is!
recovery began (REALLY began) when i stopped have EXPECTATIONS for him and his recovery.

i couldn't be hurt if i had no expectations for the outcome or actions of him
i have somehow learned (Christ aided me) in being able to disconnect myself.
i am no longer the ball chained to his ankle.
i sometimes catch myself telling myself "He might slip tonight. I have a feeling he might. and if he does, thats ok. I will be ok. And he might hurt for some time, and thats his choice. But he will be ok too. its not the end of the world. You are a strong woman."
and whether he does or doesn't slip—im good.

remember the anxiety i was fighting the past two days?
he didn't slip at all.
He put on his armor.  he protect himself. he fought satan.
and won.
i have tears in my eyes.
i love this warrior.
he is fighting for his God, for his Savior, for himself, for his future, for happiness, for righteousness, for a future marriage and family, maybe for me, maybe for our babies, for truth, for his brothers, for his self image.
i'm (very slowly) watching this man MORPH
he is changing.
i can watch part of him turning to God.  he didn't hand himself over 100%, jump in head first, full commitment—but he is doing it little by little.  his testimony is growing little by little.  his confidence is growing little by little.

He had his closing disciplinary council last night.
i had zero expectations (i honestly tried not to think about it, about what i wanted, about how i wished it would go)—i disconnected.
he came over after.
HE LITERALLY looked different.
He carried the Spirit into my home.  it was the sweetest feeling.
he proceeded to tell me he has the full blessings of membership restored to him.
!! he was so excited and happy and full of love and inspiration.
he glowed.
he couldn't stop smiling the biggest most genuine smile.
he had an energy and light around him.
The Holy Ghost as his companion.

It made me so very happy.
epiphany: WORKING RECOVERY WORKS.


im trying to not have expectations (outside my boundaries—those aren't changing!) about time frames with his recovery, with what i think he should be doing or not doing..
i'm trusting God will guide that.
and it is AMAZING to SEE God guiding us both.




another epiphany:
PRAY ABOUT IT.
my buddy came up to me last week and said " D, i need some advice…"
my quick reply, "John, pray about it."
i get that this is an annoying answer for someone that doesn't trust in God at that time.
i get that its not a bandaid quick fix.
i get that that doesn't give immediate relief.
BUT IT IS WHAT BRINGS REAL, LASTING relief.
it IS what has the ability to "FIX" to heal, to guide, to inspire
IT IS the BEST thing we could do if we want to live a life of happiness.