i feel like how it looks outside.

rainy/gloomy/quiet.

have a migraine for the second time in my life.
i am physically and mentally and emotionally annoyed.
i prayed 4 times within an hour of waking up this morning.
i woke up from an anxiety dream that a man broke into my house and some how i was with my dad, and he fought the intruder off. i have a knife. ready to stab the intruder. it was scary.

i woke up sad about p.
i woke up to texts saying
'im sorry, i love you, have a great day!'
after his 4 days of isolation and unkindness.
he isolated his family that was visiting and really hurt their feelings too.
it was hard.
its hard to see how satan has so much power over him still.
the roller coaster of addiction.

so now he is playing happy, and pretending like nothing happened.
and that annoys me.
i don't know what to say to him.
for some reason i took down some photos of him last night.
it was painful to look at.
yesterday and today i am wondering…
he can't just check out for 4 days if we had children… i don't want to be a single parent…
how would his mood swings effect children?  what if he grew impatient and sarcastic and said mean things to them like he does to me?
the innate mama bear inside me says to protect my future offspring and not to run that risk.

im also wondering—i was reminded that God has a very particular and special plan for me.  i recognize that i have certain skills and abilities and experiences to serve in his kingdom as a missionary.  i am a convert and i am ridiculously passionate about the gospel.  i NEED a husband that supports this mission of my life, and also encourages it.  i can't imagine being married to someone that doesn't have the natural personality to be an example and share the gospel with everyone.  i also cant imagine being married to someone that isnt in the temple regularly.  its such a huge part of my life.

i am recognizing that things must change. and i just dont know that they really are…
i worry im not being patient enough or Christ like enough.
then i also worry, i've seen it all—and it may be healthier for me to walk away.
i also wonder, is it better for him to work recovery and do this without me or with me?

i read about clinical depression last night and supplements/medications. it was like reading a biography of p.  i'm not sure if he would ever be open to it. but it sounds like it would be a great idea to look into.

i felt a lot of peace and love from heavenly father from conference this weekend.
but i still have questions.
and i assume i will always have some kind of questions.

but although i feel bummed and a bit confused, i am healthy.
i am detached from p. and im not a big mess.
and i'll be ok no matter what happens.
God is always with me.