fantasy land.

"Fantasy is practice, rehearsal for the actual act. Thinking and visualizing aobut performing an activity increases our skill even without ever physically performing the activity. Any fantasy of lust, therefore, is keeping the practice alive and well, in preparation for the final acts. Spark becomes fantasy, fantasy becomes planning, planning becomes actions, until the cycle takes on a life of its own."

read this today.
some times.. a lot of times…i worry that p. is fantasizing about someone else. 
this triggers panic for me. pain. worry about him cheating, viewing pornography, never being satisfied with me.  

i am recognizing that me worrying about it doesnt do anything
except drive me crazy and make me upset.

i had the courage this weekend to talk to p. about it.
he was the sweetest thing. not defensive at all.
he loved me and reassured me, and it was incredibly comforting.

i am going to try with all my might to not allow that specific worry any more.

i caught myself multiple times a day, asking him what he was thinking.  i never really noticed that i do this because i fear idle thinking time with him.  i fear he is in fantasy land. so i try to "save him" from it by asking questions to bring him to reality. (as if he would actually tell me 'yeah, i was just thinking about x,y,z.. he usually says nothing.)
co-dependant behavior??
yes.

so what if he is fantasizing? theres nothing i can do to control that any how. he needs to make that choice with his power.  and what if he is not?? i am getting all worked up and hurt over nothing.
the reality is: me worrying over him fantasizing doesn't change anything except hurt me, so i need to stop.

i am glad i have become aware of it. so i can change it.
it is very hard and unnatural to do.
but i will do it.