who am i to be

Sometimes, it is easy to focus on others. What they do to you, what they are and arent doing... What you wish others would do for you or say... How you wish the world would be.. All the things you have ZERO control over..

And you forget about You. 

Just worrying about yourself alone. 

Choosing who you want to be and how youre going to become that. 

My goal is to worry less about others. 

And work more on being the me that i love.

.journal entry some time ago.

iphone pictures

The truth is, the pain and anxiety doesn't all just disappear once the addict is out of your life.



so women out there thinking divorce will take away all the pain and sorrow, please recognize it is not so. BUT it does become healthier. and it is certainly less pain and anxiety.  but it does not magically all go away.

i was going though my pictures on my iphone the other day.  i found the saddest photos ever.
i have no idea why, but after january sometime, i started documenting pictures of myself when i was hysterical and hurt by p.   it reminded me of how raw and deep that pain was.
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss the great qualities p. possesses.  of course right?
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss our friendship, inside jokes, and activities we loved to do.
but those images of me crying (which i recognize is a totally weird thing for me to take pictures of…) remind me of the reality.

i never have deserved being treated poorly.
no one does.


remember the time i was so excited to make him his easter basket and fill it?  remember the time he got furious with me in the car and left it on my door step?
all the times hes been angry at me for no reason
for the never ending fights over petty things
for the mean things that have been said
for telling me not to cry
for leaving me places
making me feel rejected over and over
for having sex with her
for all the lies

i don't know how i did it for so long.
i was completely the poor lady in the abusive relationship that had blinders on. kept myself in the lions den purposely.
i had so much love and hope and belief in the ability to change.
i thought it could all be worked on and overcome.  i thought it might just be possible to progress from it.


i can honestly say, i have a healthier perspective now.
i thank God for the strength and courage be blessed me with to walk away from that relationship.
there has been nothing but amazing people and experiences since then that have confirmed in my heart and mind that i made the right choice.

i am currently dating a man that treasures me.  he knows how to control himself.
he is slow to anger.
he is calm and respectful.
and he makes me feel like the queen that i am to become.


and i feel sooo very blessed.

Truth.

"Genuine love always desires the highest good for the objects of its affection."

Tossed

"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock."  Matthew 7:25

fact:

im a whole lot more messed up/traumatized than i even thought or wanted to admit.

Bundy

watch this 4 minute clip on my friends blog.
Bra Badges: Chilling

my heart just aches.
as i watched the clip i was reminded:
the worth of every soul is great in the eyes of God


the reality of the destruction of lust and pornography needs to be exposed into our society that says its "normal" and OK.  or that a little bit is OK. or just as long as i have control over it, its OK.  or that its healthy.

there is ABSOLUTELY nothing healthy about it.
it is common, but it is not OK.
and thankfully there is a way out of it.
it does not have to be a part of your life or your loved ones life.
Heavenly Father loves you.  He has provided a Savior to help you and give you the chance to heal.  God wants happiness for you, and freedom from chains that bind you down.
Bundy
please email me to learn more or if you have questions on what to do.
 deziray2@yahoo.com

at one ment with God

Christs mission was to "bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;…to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."

the atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was not just him dying on a cross.
it included his sacrifices made in his life and ministry.
it included his will to obey Gods will. to come to this Earth.
it included the pain and suffering he experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.


i don't know how i hadn't learned it or realized it before…but the following scripture taught me something very important.

He "suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent."

Do we realize that we have been spared part of our suffering?  We dont suffer fully for our imperfections and sins and heartache?

Surely this may mean that when we are being judged after this life that we may be spared and not suffer eternal damnation for our wrongs done on Earth.  Yes, through repentance we will be spared our suffering in the next life.  BUT i would venture to say that we are most definitely spared while still on this Earth.  TODAY.
Jesus Christ provides the relief.
He provides us the means to NOT FULLY SUFFER.



and oh how many of us have felt that we are truly suffering deeply.
my heart aches for you.
i wish i could carry other peoples burdens.
my shoulders are strong enough right now.


i do love you.
i love my Savior for making my burdens light.
for relieving my suffering.
and i hope you may KNOW and FEEL of this in your life.

just like the movies

am i allowed to say that it is such a relief to not wonder about someone elses recovery?
am i allowed to say that i am soooooooo relieved that i dont have to hear or know of slips/relapses?
im not waiting for any of them,  they're not coming to find me. to choke me.
not trying to rub it in. but its really nice.  and i cry sooo much less.


but, honest truth, im still haunted.
watched a movie last night with the slightest of scenes and i lost it.  i couldnt choke back the tears. i talked myself out of it.
it just opens the flood gates of the deepest emotions.
it hurts.
still.


EVEN during the leadership broadcast, in the presence of the Apostles.  hearing about elders having more access to electronics…oooohhh noooo.
there was a clip in one of the movies of each of the family members, and it gets to the dad. he looks like he's on an ipad or something. and i got tears in my eyes hoping it wasnt pornography (of course it wasn't but my sad mind distorts).  then theres a scene of two little boys on a school bus.  where p. says he was first exposed.  i lost it. balled my eyes out.

i just hate it.
its so hurtful.
and it kills me that sooo many people, addicts and spouses alike, are hurting.
i want to help.
i want to do something to help.


and really i need help.
dating isnt easy.  trying to figure out how to trust men when they say pornography isn't a part of their life.  trying to believe them when you've been lied to exactly like that before.
will the sensitivity fade for me? will i be able to pass a victorias secret and not want to pull my hair out?
will it get easier?


advice anyone?

"The first instruction to Adam for his mortal responsibility is found in Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."" - Tom L. Perry

I would like to be married..

i love the temple.



"In this world we may receive many gifts—cars, money, beautiful homes, educational degrees, and fame in our professions. But none of these compares to the light and revelation that comes to us in the temple. Why is this so? Because there is a special spirit in the temple that can bring us direction and peace in our lives."

updated boundaries

a couple months ago, i prayerfully and fasting fully, created some boundaries for myself particularly concerning the relationship i was in.

i believe that those boundaries need to be revised.  i had the impression the other day that i need to sit down and reconsider what my boundaries need to be as i date again.

i feel like things are very different this time around.  i've learned new things since being with p. and i have grown a lot.  i think i will have a much different approach to dating now and definitely a different mind frame.

i want to date again in the healthiest way possible.
i want to do it right.
i want to find an exceptional man that will push me to be better everyday, that will walk by my side always and will help me bring our family to the celestial kingdom.
i need to be dating the best of men
to marry the best one.

so heres a rough draft….

Boundaries:

I will:
-work full time until i have babies
-consistently budget to contribute to getting out of debt
-prayerfully seek to fulfill and magnify my calling
-try to express love to as many people as possible, as often as possible
-attend the temple weekly
-do something i love every day.
-pray when i feel sad.
-cook more at home, and eat out less than 3 x wk
-get 8 hrs of sleep every night
-try to improve my weaknesses
-read my patriarchal blessing at least once a month
-run 13.1 miles in august
-try to fulfill my mission statement (overcome the natural man. create synergy. inspire belief.)
-put my garments on asap after workouts
-give out a book of mormon to someone this summer
-try to make more friends
-read the scriptures and STUDY them daily
-be open about sharing my testimony and the gospel with others
-say yes to first dates
-call my grammie at least on sundays
-only pursue second dates with men that could possibly fall under my top 5 non negotiables (love for God and sharing the gospel, wants a family and children in the near future, strong communicator, no temper, respectful-to me, to other women, to the waiter, to everyone)
-bear testimony of and be open about the 12 step program of the church in hopes to help someone
-strive to be compassionate. forgiving. and non judgmental.
-stand up for myself, for the innocent, and for womanhood
-be better than OK

I will not:
-watch rated R movies
-spend the night with boys
-let myself sit in self pity
-stop running
-make excuses not to go to ward events, dates, dancing, etc
-date men that aren't living a lifestyle worthy to be in the temple
-let satan win
-allow others to manipulate me
-stop living the gospel and commandments ever
-speak poorly about p. to others
-stay in a relationship where i am cussed at, yelled at, or abused physically or emotionally.
-settle
-stop pursuing who i want to become
-try to finish peoples sentences
-marry someone that isnt spiritually at a similar or better spot than i am
-marry someone that doesnt understand the law of chastity
-stay in relationships with men that can't open the door or openly talk
-stop doing the things i love for a boy
-allow anyone to disrespect me by not honoring my boundaries
-give up. on myself. my dreams. on God.

His Princess

Few things more powerful than my mum sending me these words:

You are in my thoughts! And the most amazing person I know. And, to top it off, a daughter if God. And if that doesn't make you worthy of being treated like a princess, i dont know what does.

this past week has been so interesting.
i don't really know everything that i feel or what im thinking for the future.
but i do know that i feel relief.
i also feel like my relationship with p. has messed me up.
i also feel significantly less anxiety.


i hung out with a boy this week.  it was a great time.
but i found myself repeatedly saying sorry for things.  i guess i was use to having to apologize for everything.
i also found myself thinking multiple times if i was annoying or making the guy mad.
it was really quite ridiculous.
i began to recognize that i think i am going to struggle to trust other people a lot now.
i wonder if they're tricking me, manipulating me, or just trying to put on some "great guy" face.


remember the time p. said he was going to class and doing homework and such this spring?  he wasn't really in school.
seriously.
i had no idea.
how do i recover from that? from people in my life that i could have never predicted or even thought of lying about the most trivial things?  how do i believe other men when so many of them blatantly lie to my face?
why do they do it?


i went out to a movie friday night.
the google internship one.  really funny except the insanely long strip club scene (don't see this movie or let your kids or spouse…)
i triggered like crazy.  i started crying in the theatre.
the scene was terrible and the movie was rate pg-13.
i didnt want the boys i was there with to see it.
i didnt want to see it.
i wished i had gotten up and left the theatre.
i couln't handle the reminder of the pain i feel inside.
that my man (men…ugh) had preferred that over me, that that was better than us having a healthy relationship, that that was what he sought after
my broken heart.
the people i was with didn't think anything of it.

am i going to be messed up forever?

When we are honest in all things, big and small, we experience peace of mind and a clear conscience. Our relationships are enriched because they are based on trust. And the greatest blessing that comes from being honest is that we are able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

--sis Dibbs

Update:

My heart is going to be OK.

Eq pres texts me:

You'll like this quote.

"Woman was created from a rib out of the side of Adam; not from his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."

Has there ever been a sweeter modern day scripture?

My heart just melted. 

God loves me.

I feel so blessed.

be believing

i am clinging to my faith. i believe that Jesus Christ can do the things he promised he can in the scriptures and in my heart. i know that God is so very aware of my loneliness and heart ache. i am desperately and faithfully holding to the hope of better things to come. I have received counsel that i must remain faithful, true to my covenants, obey all of the commandments with exactness—and i will be blessed.
it is not easy for me to be positive right now.
but I can feel the strength the Savior is providing me with right now.

fears

i met with my absolutely wonderful and inspired stake presidency counselor.
he is a gift.
he is the kind of man that speaks scriptures fluently.
he teaches me things that i never knew possible.

he and i sifted through my feelings today.
it was so therapeutic.  so healthy. he's so  nonjudgmental.
he was so full of love and kindness to me.  he was so full of praise.

he is just what i imagine being with the Savior would be like.
thats amazing.



i talked to him about some of my fears.
i talked to him as honestly and openly as possible.
he made clear that i do not need to tell anyone including boyfriends/a husband about my past transgressions.  he said what good would that do? it just reopens wounds and discredits the atonement of Jesus Christ.  i wept.  i, for some reason, felt like i was lying or hiding something by not telling every boy about it.
that wound really has been reopened time and time again.
and through recovery, i feel like i can finally close that for good.

he also asked me to take away all my fears and THEN decide how i feel about p.

so here are my honest fears…
I FEAR:
-waking up one day, 5 years down the road, married to him and going through a stint like our campout, and telling myself, "dear girl, you knew this when you were dating. when you could have gotten out. and now you are stuck."
-him loosing himself and being depressed with our break up
-him have sex with other girls after our break up
-every word i say might piss him off
-when he is mad
-how he would treat children
-children seeing a husband treat a wife that way
-children thinking its ok to deal with anger like he does
-that im too old and they're arent any good men left over the age of 25
-that other boys wont be worthy either
-that i wont be able to connect with someone else the way i do with p.
-that im going to be 30 and not married
-that i'll never have kids, have trouble having kids, that ill be that sad single woman that wants to be a mother so bad that she adopts her own
-that other people are pressuring my decision
-that p. is my security blanket
-that im too much of a saver/protector/nurturer, that im willing to sacrifice myself to save him
-that he'll be so hard hearted and stubborn that we won't ever speak to me again
-that he's acting out today
-that he's spending all his money on guns that was suppose to be my ring
-that he'll talk to his ex
-that if we did get back together that it would stay the same
-that years of objectifying women has completely destroyed any respect for them
-that im giving up
-that im calling it quits right when it was starting to get better
-that i wont be able to find anything better
-that ill be miserable for months
-that ill get depressed and fail more at work
-that ill have to go on my family vacations and face them alone
-that ill be totally alone here in provo without friends
-that ill never be able to have healthy trust in a relationship again
-that he isn't really going to school
-not being with his family any more
-feeling terribly alone
-dating again
-letting him pass me by
-that i love him so very much that i will take his abuse
-that i love him so very much that i am risking loosing my favorite person




i don't know what it is, but whenever i feel real deep pain—it triggers my pain for my brother.
one day ill share about him.
and how he led me to the gospel.
post traumatic stress? i need to research it.

Seek

Text from my sweet eqp:

All the fliers got passed out. Should get a decent turn out. Thanks for your testimony also. You're powerful. Your testimony reminded me of this quotes “A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” How true it is. 

Woke up with the natural first thought of him. Before my eyes even opened i thought of when id get to see him next, i imagined his face, i thought of how hes doing, where he is.  And then i realized what had happened yesterday. And my heart sunk. 

Whats left of my heart.

mary susan hall

Just walked out of the provo temple. I did the work for my great great grandmother.  I felt like i was gong to passout the whole time. I prayed to make it through because if there was an emergency there wouldnt really be anyone in provo to call but him.

I could barely get through at the veil. 

I love this gospel and my savior.

I love my family.

And i want for all of us to be sealed together. 

I wasnt happy or smiling in there though. 

A gentleman chased me down as i walked out the door. He said, ' youre really quite captivating.'  I thanked him. He introduced himself.  He asked if he could perhaps take me out on a date. 

He asked if i was seeing anyone. 

I cant fathom the thought of being alone with anyone else. 

I told him, 'im sorry, i am seeing someone.' 

His reply: ' you really are quite captivating. I hope he knows that and appreciates you.' 

And i lost it. 

Now i sit in my car weeping.

brick wall.

we broke up.
today.
2 hours ago.

im afraid it was impulsive. im also afraid its been a long time coming. im also afraid it was the wrong choice.

im confused.
and im heartbroken.
again.

we've never broken up or "taken a break" (whatever that means), we don't play that game.
and im proud of that.
all the terrible nights and situations and yelling—i never once called it quits.
i kept going
and going.

and im exhausted.


im confused because i felt so very right about everything lately.
he's made a lot of changes and been more transparent and has been working hard at recovery.
its been so nice.
and its been awesome to feel good about the direction we're headed.

and then last night we went camping.
he was irritable and short before we were even in the car.
we got him food and he cooled down.
once our campsite was pitched we went on a walk, on the walk he got upset that i wasn't using the proper terminology as he taught me about guns and claimed i was being proud and unteachable.  then he said, "no wonder you have problems with your boss."
i turned around without saying a word.
and he left me there.
i found my way back to the camp site and we brushed it off trying to have a good time.
i can't remember what was said over dinner but he cussed at me and dropped the f bomb and i cried and he got mad at me for crying and he got in the car and left me there.
i cried over macaroni and cheese.
he came back 25 min later and didn't speak to me the rest of the night except when he demanded that i bring the lantern to him.  i got up and said, "please?" and he said, "Now."
i left the lantern there.
he made breakfast in the morning but didn't speak to me.

he thinks its all my fault.
he manipulates every word i say to try to make me feel bad.
and i prayed a lot.
and i read my scriptures with that lantern.
and i asked myself if i could be happy doing this every now and then.



i feel like he thinks i am a big brick wall.
that he can just punch and throw things at (he doesnt literally) and it won't leave a mark.
he thinks its all ok.
when in reality, every time he emotionally punches me in the gut, pieces of that brick are crumbling.
and crumbling.
and i can't just keep taking it.
this brick wall just fell this morning.
the last punch.


i feel guilty because i know he has a problem in handling negativity and anger.
i know that he has acted out as the form of coping.
i know that he treats me poorly as his form of coping.
and neither are ok.

i told him, his biggest problem here is the fact that he doesn't know how to healthily deal with negative feelings.  its ok that he gets mad or frustrated with me, thats understandable.  i get mad and frustrated with him too.  but you have to deal with it properly.  he can just desert me wherever we are (he's left me in a store before, leaves my house all the time without saying anything, left me at the church once).  he can't abandon me and neglect me, and go into 3 day isolation every time he feels something negative.
i just cant do it.
its not ok, addiction or not.  its not ok.

i love this man with all my heart, and i would do anything for him.
and me staying with him and enduring this behavior would be me enabling him.
letting that behavior go on is not helping him or me or our relationship.

im so so soo sad and depressed. he has been my best friend for a year and a half. we've grown so much together. i thought he was going to be my last first kiss.

i don't want to live my life without him.
but i know that i can if i must.
i don't think reality has set in for me.  i have far to much to do to be a basket case and drop off the grid.
im going to go to the temple.
im going to pray for strength and help
because honestly, i know i cant do this on my own.

caught up.

"So often  we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial."     — Dieter F. Uchtdorf



do you have the latter-day words of wisdom app??
it just refreshes with random modern day scriptures each time you open it.
i love it.


this is what i read today.
does anyone else beg for the quote to go on???
yes to all of those things!
story of my life right now.

i've been caught up.
a lot of stress and anxiety going on.
and p. has been so good to me the past couple of weeks helping me through.

my 3 jobs are causing me stress.  i absolutely physically shake with stress and anger about 1 of my boss's.  i don't have time to really fulfill my calling the way i would like to. i have no money for p. and i to get married. i have debt to try to tackle for the next x amount of years. i don't have enough time to train as much as i should for my half marathon.  and most of all—i haven't devoted much time to my meditation, my recovery, REAL scripture study.  and its really hurting me.

i need to regroup.
make some changes.
maybe quit my job?
maybe outline my goals.
it's time to hit the refresh button for me.

for the first time in a long time, i sat in the temple today and struggled to feel inspiration.
i cried in prayer to be humbled.  my mind was bitter toward the boss.
anxiety ruled me.
and it made it really hard to feel the Spirit.
even in the temple.
finally by the end, i felt a prompting that i need a blessing.  today.
im grateful p. will be able to give me that blessing tonight.

life is good.
living the gospel is so worth it.
i love my Savior.
i love the chance i have to live on the earth with MY body and to grow and learn.
i pray for each of you that reads. that you may feel God's love.
that his Spirit may wrap you up, and fill you.

guilt. good guilt.

in the moment i felt guilty.
this most recent dday. p.'s confession.
(i still feel like i want to ignore it. not address it. puke really quick and run away.)
—i felt guilt.
i felt it because he gave me some power.
i told myself not to abuse it.
"how should i be acting?  what would the 12 steps have to say about what to do? he's had sex with another girl.  am i suppose to be ok? am i suppose to be sweet and forgiving? am i suppose to be with him? what do i do?"  my mind raced.
i have not admitted it out loud or to anyone yet, but when he came bearing gifts and loving me and speaking so gently and sweetly—i never wanted it to end. i loved it. i basked in it.
i want him to always treat me that way.
not because he's done something wrong but because he ENJOYS loving me. and showing me.

so i felt guilty that i was bowed to.
i didn't do anything.
except not hurt him for the ways he's hurt me.

i felt him give me that power.
that i was a saint.
and the next day i told myself that. "i am a freaking saint for being so awesome and putting up with such crap."
but i am so tired of feeling that way.

in many relationships i feel like the men dont live up to their potential, their callings, their priesthood (yes soo many men are awesome and do, but not many of the ones ive been able to date…and i DO date good men).  in the temple we learn about following our husbands as they follow the Lord. and i have always pondered this.  i have never really found a man that i TRUST will follow God, so I can follow him.  (im hoping that is changing as p. is changing).

i just want to feel like we ARE on the same level.
that im not spiritually dragging this husband around, carrying him on my back to the celestial kingdom.
i want us side by side. hand in hand.

Alicias recent post, prompted me to confess these feelings and not abuse this power he has given me.
i surrender it.
we just sin differently.
he is just as imperfect as any other human being, including myself.
he is not less than me.
i am not more.
we both fall short and need the Savior.
we both need the atonement to make it back to Heavenly Father.
i appreciated Alicias post prompting me to acknowledge what had unconsciously manifested in me that day, so i can overcome it.

don't you even know

i was 20 years old.

i filled my car up with what was left of my belongings and gave him nearly everything.

i drove through the sierras with this song playing.  it was fall. the trees were gorgeous.

i sang yelled the words to the song with the windows down.

i let the tears follow freely as my heart ached.

i remembered my high school sweetheart and cute teenage boys.  i use to steal their kisses.

we played like kids do.

those were stupid and fun times.

as i quietly mature, learn about the gospel, start making my own decisions—i take joy in hearing how dreamy and divine it is to live in a temple marriage.

so i find a good, happy, handsome man.

and we get sealed in the temple of our God.

and not much later.

i find myself alone next to him.

i find myself at my kitchen sink staring at my perfectly clean home, the fresh hot meal i slaved over.

and wonder if he even knows me.

does he know my heart is begging for his affection?

i drive that car straight to my broken home.

and curl in a ball.

the wife of the bishop calls me to come sit in her dining room.

she tells me i will never be allowed to be sealed in the temple again.   (if you're reading this, please know this is 100% false..but i didn't find that out until a year later.)

and i slip into the darkest, loneliest time of my life.

and i find myself for years, not bitter toward marriage or toward the gospel or toward others—but now with my eyes open, i want to tell girls :  RUN.

new workbook

there is a new and improved, and updated version of the 
"Healing Through Christ" workbook.

BUY IT ONLINE HERE
(you can "work" the steps on your own at home, through attending group meetings, or over the phone group meetings.  they are fantastic. please leave your email in the comments if you'd like me to email you with more information.)

this is the BEST workbook for family members of addicts.
it is exactly like the ARP Church 12 step workbook, but this one is written in the perspective of the spouse/family support person.

Please get this book if you suffer in any way shape or form.
If you read and apply and write through these steps,

you will change.
and you will become something better.


i love you.

All i really want

is some chicago deep dish pizza, a root beer, and a long nap in the shade of a tree today. 

bruises.

"If only minds and hearts healed as fast as cuts and bruises"  

— Nate

oh how i wish it was true.

my heart still isnt healed completely.  

and i get the feeling that may take a long time.

i shoved my pain under the rug for the weekend. and dismissed any thought of it, hoping it would just go away.

similar to addicts behavior? yes.

i went to group today. and what a great reminder— dear d.! you need to address how you feel.

im trying.

im not going to ignore those feeling any more.

im going to address them, and put them where they belong, and heal from them.

im going to seek God's help in what to do and say about our relationship.

and im going to try to develop real forgiveness toward p.

p. and i had a pretty good weekend. we were able to spend some great quality time together and reconnect.  there were two different times over the weekend where he lost his cool and his addict side came out.  first was when we were cooking together and he got all kinds of offended over i dont remember…maybe me asking him not to put our food on the counter..  he says, "im over it!" and storms out. i take a deep breath and go outside to get him. he left in his car.

i walk inside and start crying.

two seconds later he walks in and is happy. 

and we have a great rest of the day.

withdrawal mood swings much?

second episode,

we had dinner with his brother and sister.

that was great.

then after in the car, he gets all grumpy at me and speaks poorly to me.

he gets so angry about how long its taking us to drive to their house and blames it on me.

i get nervous that he will turn the car around, take me home, and act out.

so i try to keep cool.

we dont talk much at their house, just watch tv.  

then on the car ride home, he apologizes and holds my hand.

these sound silly. because they're over really silly things.

its true.

but for him, in his sometimes unstable mind—these are huge feats to turn his attitude around, to recognize it so quickly, to become humble, to stop his behavior before he gets out of control and grows angry enough to act out.  

it honestly really really meant a lot to me that he came back, and changed his attitude toward me.  he normally doesnt do that.  it shows me that he does love me and respect me. and that he REALLY is trying to become a better man. and that hes trying to not get himself to a point where he looses control.

and im proud of him.

"Freedom and light have never been easy to attain or maintain. Since the War in Heaven, the forces of evil have used every means possible to destroy agency and extinguish light." - Elder Quentin L. Cook

anxiety

Worrying about things

Does not prevent them from happening

I also read: 'prison of obsessive thoughts'.

Welcome to my mind. 

"Worry can make us terminally miserable, merely enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives." 

Im stuck in this right now. 

Last night p. invited me over for dinner. 

It was sweet. I still didnt know how to act or what i felt.

But i missed him. And i also had no desire to kiss him. So weird. 

Anyway,my mind was a hot mess. 

I could hear another girls voice in his roommates room (his roommate is super close with p's ex) and my heart raced. Was she there?? 

When he sat at his computer to turn on a tv show, i watched the screens looking for pornography. 

When he got up to go to the bathroom, i prayed he wouldnt shut the bedroom door to seclude himself. I held my breath until he returned. 

When he closed his eyes, dozing off a little i panicked about what he might be visualizing. 

When he held me a tried to kiss me i wondered if it was lust and visions of some busty broad. 

My mind was out of control. And soo exhausted.  

And today ive felt like im so far gone in recovery from where i felt i was just a week or two ago.  I was doing so well... I was the one in control... I was a recovery rockstar.. 

And now im back to being a mess. 

nonsense

tonight.
other blogs and books and stories about others' personal experiences with addictions and recovery are often triggers for me.  so many of them have been or particular posts have been.  and i would not be surprised if parts of my blog cause negative triggers for others.
i am really learning to identify them and stop reading when i need to.
and thats ok.
so please stop reading if you get negatively emotional over anything i say.
im not offended.  its personal to you, not me.


that being said.
i have a really hard time separating the stories and making assumptions that one day my life is going to be like their's or my husband will do just what their husband does etc.
thats a problem. a weakness of mine.  a part of my recovery i need to address.
i also logically, and hopefully this isnt a justification?, think that i need to have my eyes open and be aware of what life could REALLY be like.


so tonight,
i ask myself, do i really want to hurt forever? do i have to have pain like i have this past year forever?
will it really ever go away?  i want my future me to write me a letter and tell me it all works out. and i don't have a cheating husband and a lying husband and an inactive husband.  and even leaving p. wouldn't guarantee any of that.

another thought:  i can forgive p. for cheating on me.  its possible. i know it is.  Christ will help me do that with some help and time.  but i don't have to stay with him even if i forgive him.  and it doesn't mean that any of it is at all ok.

In the palms of my hands

i have been feeling really uncomfortable.

i have been numblike and miserable but also just zoning out so i can work.

i have had serious trouble focusing.

today i had to photograph a wedding at the manti temple.

this temple has something special about it.

i woke up early and got there with enough time to do some initiatories.

a flood of peace came over me as soon as i walked down the pink carpeted hall.  

this might be the most beautiful and ornate character and stunning temple i've ever been in.

i loved doing service there and felt the Spirit so strongly.  i prayed several times.

i wasn't exactly sure what i was praying for.

i just vented. and asked for a few things.

and expressed my love and gratitude.

i begged a worker to let me sit in the celestial room for a little bit after i was done.

i am in love with this celestial room.  the huge sparkling chandeliers, the hand painted ceilings.  i felt so much peace and warmth.  i prayed for a long time.

a couple of things came to mind.  

some i won't share.

but i was surprised that i found myself telling Heavenly Father that i feel empty and alone and I don't know what to do.   I found myself imagining being sealed in the blue sealing room to my left.  

i thought about being there with his family.

i thought about my ancestors whose work i have done in temples.

i thought about my future babies.

i thought about God's plan.

during the initiatories, i was carefully listening to the blessings.  i cried, i want all these blessings, always.  i need them.  i wanted the woman whose work i was doing, to accept them and have them too.  i thought of what my future is suppose to be like...i felt the Spirit say, it is not going to be easy.  And this current trial of p's addiction, will not be the last one (trial).  things will be hard.  but you will know me.  and you will be ok.  and in the end you will be blessed.     i thought about when i was investigating the church and they (missionaries) said, "ok so after you're baptized all you gotta do after that is endure to the end!"    Enduring is a word i often contemplate.  i thought of alicia saying, "don't give up!"   i think we should change enduring to the end to keep going, don't give up.

in the temple this morning-the Spirit whispered to me, "don't give up d.  don't give up on yourself or on me.  i am with you."

after a long time in the celestial room (i was so thankful she let me sit there and fill myself with the Spirit), i began to walk downstairs.

half way down the stairs i looked up.

it was the quietest place.

not a sound.

and i viewed this painting..

tears flooded my eyes. and i stopped on the stairs.

the Spirit told my heart, "d___ you are not alone.  i am with you.  do you not remember i have engraven thee upon my own hands?  keep going.  i will be by your side in all you do.  my arms are open to you.  you are mine.  you are never alone."

it was one of the sweetest moments.

i couldn't believe that giant painting was placed right there in the middle of the stairwell.  a peaceful, quiet place where i was totally alone to hear the Spirit and let it flow through me.  My heart was touched that God did hear my prayers and knew of my heartache. i thought more about the markings in the Saviors palms.  I feel like it is easy to think of the atonement as some far off sacrifice that is somehow suppose to cleanse us.   but i was impressed today that it is very living and real right now, not just long ago.  Christs POWER through his sacrifice is readily available to USE.  His hands were literally pierced and nails were drawn through his wrists to provide ME a way to be whole. that my heartache may be freed.  that i CAN be HIS forever.

this is the Lord's true church and plan.  His Son is the living Jesus Christ.  and He does have the power to change us.

He knows he's in deep.

Its fantastic hes finally being honest

Its fantastic that i helped him become a better man.

But what about me? 

d day no. who knows...

i first thought d day was dooms day.

i quickly found that it stands for disclosure day.

and i quickly found out it stands for both.

the shock has worn off a little by now.

i slept very little.

i knew that what i was going through the past two days with his slip was not a normal slip. or that i was feeling a heavier pain but i did not know what over.

in the middle of the day i had a prompting that there is something else he isn't telling me. 

so i called and just asked.

he said no, theres nothing else.

i thanked him for his honesty and hung up.  i tried to believe him.

i had a clear impression that something with his ex girlfriend was looming. and i had a clear prompting, that i quickly ignored, that he has cheated on me.

i cast those things aside.

and went for a run.

i cried on my run.

several times. and i didn't care if the cars that drove by saw the saddest wreck of a lady. haha.

during that run, the Spirit reminded me of a talk i heard a couple weeks ago… Skip in this video to elder bednars talk.  his talk relates COMPLETELY to sexual/lust addiction recovery and the healing of the spouses and family members.

thank you for all of those that have commented and supported me. it is so comforting to know there is someone out there that has experienced this and is hearing me and loves me.
i feel pretty empty right now.
i feel like i could reread my past posts and hear my own preaching advice. and i know i should follow it but i don't want to force myself to.
i want to just feel whatever it is that im feeling.   hoping it will pass.
i have sooo many things i am suppose to get done today but i havent done much but an eye appointment (with swollen eyes) and drove a sister to work after her car was totaled.
the rest has been in bed.
crying.
trying to read the scriptures and recovery blogs.
praying.
im suppose to post my car for sale. im suppose to do a billion things for my calling. im suppose to fold my laundry. im suppose to go running right now.
but instead i sit here feeling hallow.
and like my head is a balloon.
and i guess this is unhealthy. but im in pain. and im miserable.
and i just want the day to be over and skip to a better day.




last night i had the serious thought:   this wears on me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.  will i die younger because of this stress and heartache?

i mean that 100% serious.

Today sucks.

Reality. 

He cant go a month without feeding his addiction. 

How are we suppose to get sealed in the temple? How could i ever set a wedding date knowing he would be messing up the weeks up to it? How do i marry someone that will bring filth into our home? Who will offend the Spirit instead of invite it?

I grew up without the priesthood in my home.  I wont do it again. 

Does he think about any of this?

my shoes.

I wish for a second he would just have compassion for me. For what it might be like to be in my shoes. To deal with a slip without an apology or concern outside himself.

What if i came to him every week or so and said, 'i cheated on you again, sorry i cant help it..yeah, ill keep working on it.. But no im not going to read any of those books or go to more meetings or even call my sponsor. Im good on that. You can have fun with that.' And expected him to stay? To be ok with that? To still be sane and have any confidence at all? To have a trusting relationship?
I get theres differences between sex with someone else and sex with himself and that girl on the computer. But by how much? Maybe my example is extreme or harsh. But thats exactly how it feels.
It feels like hes cheating on me every other week.
And i just dont know if i have the strength.

My head is pounding from crying so much. Heavenly father heard my prayers this afternoon. As soon as i got to work, a dear friend of mine asked the dreaded, ' are you ok?' after he saw my bloodshot eyes. And i lost it. I cried the uncontrollable shaking sob cry in this hug. He talked with me and let me wail. And told me a lot of inspired things. And i felt so much better and made it through. What a great and inspired friend.

My head feels like its going to explode. Im going to close my eyes. If youre reading this, i hope youre doing far better than i.

drained.

had an amazing wonderful sabbath, bore testimony, was served and served. had wonderful leadership meetings. felt my testimony that this is indeed the Lord's church. 

came home smiling talking to my mom and grammie.

then, bout 5 minutes ago, i get a text reporting another slip

and today.

i just. cant. take. it.

i can't be superwoman today. 

i've been working my butt off with 3 jobs and my calling and making visits to the sisters. i've been trying to also keep up on my own life—prayers, scripture study, temple attendance, training for my half marathon, eating, sleeping, cleaning up my room, laundry, running errands, and trying to devote time to RECOVERY! and short dates with P.  

i just can't do it all today but i also don't have much of a choice.

p.

im so tired of slips.

im so tired of fighting the pain. trying to just be happy and normal and put on a smile.

most days i don't have to fake it. but this evening at work, im going to have to. i hate it.

i absolutely HATE that he has masturbated to videos/images of i dont even know what.

i am so hurt.

my heart is just broken. 

he did his dailies, he sat outside the temple. he had a great therapy session the day before.  

this is so hard.

we went on a date last night and the entire time, he was irritable with every other thing. i kept pretending not to hear the irritability and kept things light and happy. when i did ask what he was feeling, i tried to reassure him and help him to feel loved and work out of the mood—but i didn't help.

i knew that he may act out. he left my house pissed that night that because he bumped a key on my computer while we were watching a show, but he didn't think he did.

that was it.  just an example of what this is like.

today. im drained.

and in pain.

and wish that he and i were healthy enough on our own to comfort each other, but were not.

i feel like he is not only abusing himself but he is abusing me and this relationship.  he IS definitely working recovery and trying. he has made some big changes lately. 

but satan is still in full force.  still apart of our life.

what a wave this still is. 

well i have to be at work in 5 minutes to serve families food on this happy mothers day.    

And thus it is

When i was investigating the church, i was 17 and going through a really hard time. Perhaps one day ill write about that experience more detailed. In short, i had a normal, healthy older brother of 24 yrs get strep throat severely enough that he stopped breathing and suffered massive brain damage. He has been in a vegetated state for 9 years.
During those beginning months of learning of the gospel and addressing my grief and pain, i came across this scripture... It became my rock. My hope. It fueled my faith and kept me going.
I believe it can do so for aiding in my recovery now as well.

6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 9)

I love my God. I do love him so much.

i also would like to note:
my recent post titled: sex.
has more "reads" than any other post.


i find this terribly interesting and i wonder the real reason why.

on slips.

last week at group, i was talking with two of the other women after.
one of them had just experienced her first slip since they began recovery (a couple months i think).
the other has not heard of a slip since they began, but is dreading it.
the first had the courage and inspiration to text me when it happened.  she got to vent.  she got to collect herself and put herself in the right position to speak to him when he got home.
she did awesome!

i've been thinking about these two sisters a lot lately.
they both expressed how fearful they are of the next slip.
the second sister said, "well be ready for my texts when he does slip!"
have we all felt this?  this fear of the dreaded slip up? the anxiety of anticipation? do we play out in our heads how horrific it will be and all the pain we will be filled with?

a couple of points:
1. A slip is not the end of the world.  Him stopping recovery would be pretty horrific. Him not making ANY progress would be horrific.  But a slip is NOT a relapse. A slip is not absolute failure.  It will happen and it is part of the process.

2. I thought about WHY are these women fearing it so much? why did i fear it so much?  We are fearful and have anxiety about slips when we deep down know it has the power to destroy and hurt us.
Don't give it that power! Do not let satan have that.  When we can say that we are truly disconnected from it—We will be healthy, happy, and strong despite someone elses actions.  That is when we are truly free.

3. it IS possible to be ALRIGHT even if he has a bad day.  it is possible because for a long time i suffered WITH HIM.  because of recovery, i now know how to be sane and healthy through slips.




I've also been tossing around another thought.  Like many women, i can tell by his moods, words, and actions when he is struggling, when perhaps a slip may occur.  I found myself thinking, "Slip. Do it, see if i care."   This kind of sounds cruel, like im wishing it upon him.  but thats not where im coming from.  Nor do i ever wish that he would slip again in his life haha.  But i feel like im trying to keep myself in reality—that Yes, he might slip. And YES i will be ok.  And i will be able to distance myself from the addiction.
Ive been trying to figure out if it is unhealthy that i say this every now and then (in my head of course..).  Ive been trying to figure out why i think it.
Some times i tell myself, "D. one day your grandma is going to die.  and it is going to hurt really bad. but you will be ok."  this is kind of morbid but i feel like it is me trying to prepare myself and not be caught naive or by surprise.
does this make any sense?



Moral of the story: theres no sense in fearing a slip.  it only makes us less than happy and gives power to satan.
We will all be OK.

well good gravy

my last post was just from earlier in the day.
and already i was forced to test the knowledge i gained.

p. reported a slip.
20 minutes before my presidency meeting.
at my home. that i was conducting and trying to receive inspiration about some great callings in my ward.
it just wasnt an option to throw a fit or be angry or sit in pity.

so i cried really quick in the shower.
i felt disgust knowing that within a couple of hours my man was sitting at a computer and what he was looking at.  it just makes me hurt.  i felt sick. i wasnt hopeless. i wasnt mad or angry.
i was just disgusted about lust and hurt that he looks at other women and intentionally seeks it out.
hacks his own firewalls, and chases after it.
that just makes me sick.
and sad.

BUT i remembered the quote in my last post! i wouldn't be able to receive the revelation that i needed for my sisters if i was upset or angry.  so i prayed a couple times.
and had a wonderful meeting. and i've been totally ok.
i feel disconnected from it.
and maybe a little bit numb from it happening so often.

but he established a new record: 23 days.
back to day one tomorrow, BUT NOT SQUARE ONE.
for that, i am thankful.

one thought and a powerful quote.

"History provides us a vivid example of the importance of the Lord's servants being in tune with the Spirit.  The young Prophet Joseph Smith could not translate when he was angry or upset."
—Dallin H. Oaks

this is pretty profound really.
in my calling, i have been thinking about how to prepare myself spiritually.
and i think in recovery this is oh so important.  to recognize we CAN NOT receive revelation when we are angry.
don't we feel angry so often?
i will continue to fight with all i have, to not be easily angered. to have the Spirit with me!
it is the only way to get through this! to rely on His direction, love, peace, and hope.






while making a trek to st. george this weekend, i looked out the car window and had a thought.
i recently read a quote that said, "it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that."  i thought about how do i act and respond to the things that are bad? to people who treat me wrong? i am great at being GOOD when things are going good, but is it ok for me to do bad when things are going bad?  is that a good enough excuse?  is that excusable to God?   Did Christ not forgive those who cursed and murdered him?
I thought about p.
he does great when things are great.
but when the stress comes, the temptation comes does he still do just as great?

im great in recovery until a bad day, a poor combination of moods and sleep and patience and Spirit—and im not doing so great.

so how do i keep myself in a position where i am proud of myself, my words and deeds EVEN WHEN things aren't going well?
this is my quest.

sex.

Read this on www.joshweed.com, a man with SSA, is lds, and is happily married to a woman (sounds like an amazing human being):

"Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection."

i read more today about the chemical processes that occur with sex and sexual behavior.  a bonding chemical is released, connecting the person with whomever or whatever is stimulating them.
it is just another layer that makes it so very difficult for lust addicts to break this emotional bond they have with their source of pleasure.



and thats hard to hear as the lady that would like to be the only source wanted and needed.

on commands

Do we have commandments and counsel from prophets that we disregard as not applicable to us?

I grew up in a non-lds home.
I grew up on ice tea. It was my water. Man i miss it! But when i was 17 and i sat across from 19 yr old missionaries that asked me to obey the Lord, i did. And i have for 9 years. I do it completely out of faith in the Lord, not because i think anything is wrong with my ice tea. Who knows what blessings are or may come to me for obeying this word of wisdom.

Conversely, we have been counseled not to view rated r movies. I grew up watching rated r movies at a young age. And i turned out just fine! Right??? So i neglected this command. I felt it wasnt applicable to me. Now, i am triggered by bloody commercials! I struggle with movie trailers. I trigger with some pg 13 films. I can feel the Spirit dissipate from me when i watch tv. I NOW recognize what wonderful and inspired counsel the prophets give us. IT IS FOR OUR HAPPINESS.
You dont have to understand the reasons for the commandments. I need to have faith in every word that proceeds from their mouths that i may have the greatest joy. A righteous life is a happy and free life.

"History provides us a vivid example of the importance of the Lord's servants being in tune with the Spirit. The young Prophet Joseph Smith could not translate when he was angry or upset." - Dallin H. Oaks

I find this to be profound.

hi

my name is d.
and i just want a healthy sex life.

"This is where neurochemistry comes in, too. Sexual climax involves incredibly powerful chemical events that can even be analogized to the effect of powerful drugs. Both make the brain perceive incredible pleasure. Because of neuroplasticity (the brain’s tendency to rewire itself so that a stimulus and its response are closely associated with each other), sexual stimulus will be associated with its incredible neurochemical reward. Some of the chemicals that are released during sex are the same as those released after a woman gives birth. And just as these chemicals help a mother to bond with a newborn child, they also help sexual partners to feel bonded to one another.

   But when sexual stimulus comes in the form of masturbation, completely devoid of the sharing and vulnerability and complementarity of marriage, then the brain can become wired so that it is primarily masturbation that produces the reward, and an individual can become increasingly unable to sexually respond to a spouse. Masturbation and intercourse are simply different. One who masturbates frequently has a very direct knowledge of what actions bring pleasure most effectively. It can be difficult or impossible for a spouse to reproduce the pleasure that a masturbator has learned how to produce on his or her own. Thus, sexuality, if not expressed in the context of a loving and devoted relationship, turns inward and becomes a focus on self. It is spiritually dangerous to use 
sexuality for self when God intends for it to be used to help us overcome our love of self."
Read this on Janes awesome blog post today..


i am afraid of a sex life like my first marriage.
i am afraid of not meeting his standard or what he desires of me.
i am afraid that i'll be the one saying i love you and he'll just roll over, objectifying me.
i am afraid of sex addiction being a gap between us in the bedroom instead of sex part of what binds us together.
i am afraid im not enough and i'll feel empty.

actions.

"None of us is perfect.  I know of no one who would profess to be so.  And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others.  We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions."   President Monson



i thought about this with p. and i.
i thought about this with friends that i've lost.
i thought about this with the sisters in my ward.

as i came into this calling (rs pres if you missed that post), it was strongly impressed upon my mind that there was a lot of labeling and stereotyping and negative feelings amongst the sisters toward one another. competition.  luckily, i know almost none of them.  and because i don't know any of them, i have zero assumptions about each of them.
i sat in group last week and thought about how each of the sisters there have a serious, deep hurt. some big issues that they face every day.  and most people on the outside have no idea.  each of us have our own imperfections and weaknesses.  we shouldn't strive to be like another girl, for she is imperfect in some ways too!  we should just try to be our best selves.  i thought about how much judging goes on in the world (and in relief society) and how really each of us are just equally imperfect and broken, and in need of our Savior, Jesus Christ.   are we not all beggars?
i learned more about this as i have begun Step 4: Personal Inventory.  I decided last week how i will organize my inventory (ill share that in another post..well not the inventory! but how i set mine up ;] ).  I was planning on picking one of you anonymous readers to be the person i call and read my inventory to. then after group, i felt impressed to tell p. the hardest thing for me to say out loud on my list.  it was something i have never before said out loud, told anyone, or let be in my mind for long throughout my life.  i wanted it erased.  as i told him about it.  i realized how very much, I AM NO higher or lower than him, or anyone else on earth.  We are all equally imperfect.  we both have mistakes and pain.  we both need the atonement of Jesus Christ.  and we both will be healed and happy through His great atonement and POWER.  it was freeing to tell p. my shame and let it go.  it was freeing to share with him that i can partially understand him too.
God is amazing how he molds our lives.

one of my greatest goals is to work on this tendency to judge others, myself.  i know i have to work on it.  to judge less. to just love. to look beyond the pretty face we all put on for the world. to get real. to get to the root.  the real being. to help sisters find their Savior and their self worth.
my goal is to love as many people as possible.

shout out.

p. started his own recovery blog: spiritual survivalist 


WHUUUUAAATTT????!!
yeah he's pretty awesome.
go give him some love.

epiphany no. 78

here it is!
recovery began (REALLY began) when i stopped have EXPECTATIONS for him and his recovery.

i couldn't be hurt if i had no expectations for the outcome or actions of him
i have somehow learned (Christ aided me) in being able to disconnect myself.
i am no longer the ball chained to his ankle.
i sometimes catch myself telling myself "He might slip tonight. I have a feeling he might. and if he does, thats ok. I will be ok. And he might hurt for some time, and thats his choice. But he will be ok too. its not the end of the world. You are a strong woman."
and whether he does or doesn't slip—im good.

remember the anxiety i was fighting the past two days?
he didn't slip at all.
He put on his armor.  he protect himself. he fought satan.
and won.
i have tears in my eyes.
i love this warrior.
he is fighting for his God, for his Savior, for himself, for his future, for happiness, for righteousness, for a future marriage and family, maybe for me, maybe for our babies, for truth, for his brothers, for his self image.
i'm (very slowly) watching this man MORPH
he is changing.
i can watch part of him turning to God.  he didn't hand himself over 100%, jump in head first, full commitment—but he is doing it little by little.  his testimony is growing little by little.  his confidence is growing little by little.

He had his closing disciplinary council last night.
i had zero expectations (i honestly tried not to think about it, about what i wanted, about how i wished it would go)—i disconnected.
he came over after.
HE LITERALLY looked different.
He carried the Spirit into my home.  it was the sweetest feeling.
he proceeded to tell me he has the full blessings of membership restored to him.
!! he was so excited and happy and full of love and inspiration.
he glowed.
he couldn't stop smiling the biggest most genuine smile.
he had an energy and light around him.
The Holy Ghost as his companion.

It made me so very happy.
epiphany: WORKING RECOVERY WORKS.


im trying to not have expectations (outside my boundaries—those aren't changing!) about time frames with his recovery, with what i think he should be doing or not doing..
i'm trusting God will guide that.
and it is AMAZING to SEE God guiding us both.




another epiphany:
PRAY ABOUT IT.
my buddy came up to me last week and said " D, i need some advice…"
my quick reply, "John, pray about it."
i get that this is an annoying answer for someone that doesn't trust in God at that time.
i get that its not a bandaid quick fix.
i get that that doesn't give immediate relief.
BUT IT IS WHAT BRINGS REAL, LASTING relief.
it IS what has the ability to "FIX" to heal, to guide, to inspire
IT IS the BEST thing we could do if we want to live a life of happiness.

two bits of advice

i got from a fireside on sunday:

1. marry a man that will work.
in every aspect and form of the word.

2. be independently happy and healthy on your own before you commit to a serious relationship

also, triggers...

i had a sense yesterday that things were a little off.
that "noah and ali" moment carried over through the day.
do you spouses feel it?
the spirit of discernment?
i could sense satan tempting him.
i hate that feeling.

its a helpless feeling cause all i can do is pray for him (and for me) and try to show love and testimony.
(what do you ladies do???  other things that work for you to help him when he's tempted???)

we met up around dinner time.
we had a great time together. just mellow.
watched River Monsters and he made me egg sandwiches (yes multiple).
but it was trigger central.  my anxiety from my feeling that he was being tempted.
i couldn't help but have anxiety as he scanned the channels. i watched the name of every show in the guide, fearful that just reading the name would catch him.  (never saw any, haha)
when he got up to get something from his room, and didn't come back for a while,  i went to check on him.  i did.  i checked on him.  co-dependent behavior.
he was watching a gun video.  haha.
when he readjusted his "stuff"  i tense up and think, "man just dont touch it!!"  ahahaa.
when i plugged my phone into his room, i had thoughts of checking his phone or computer
i had thoughts of throwing away all of the lotion i could find in the room
i had thoughts about him moving into a new ward (he might be moving soon) and worrying of him lusting after new eye candy


most of these are just unconscious thoughts that i am trying to be conscious of and change.  i wasn't miserable or anything, handling this anxiety has just become part of life.
im getting better.
and im getting good at not listening to them and changing them quickly with prayer, positivity, and trust.
but it sure is hard.
i hope one day, i will worry less and less.